The power of spending more time daydreaming

Photo by Edurne Tx on Unsplash

I’ve spent more time lounging around in bed this week than I have done in months. And honestly, it’s been pretty great.

This experience has been in stark contrast to my recent months. My summer was meant to be a period of downtime. Yet I found it really challenging to really relax. It was as if there was an angst to go out and spend time with the world. Which then meant I was getting tired again.

The issue was my discomfort with being alone. It wasn’t quite an existential self-loathing, but I felt bored quickly. And after a while of feeling bored, I found myself searching for stimulation, which was usually outside the house. And so the cycle continued. I felt conflicted. I wanted to rest, but would find myself feeling worse when I gave myself time to rest. Whilst in the past this was because I might have been blocking out emotions that were rising to the surfaces, this time it was more about not actually enjoying the time alone.

I tried certain things like meditation. And they were beneficial for sure, particularly when I got into a state of unease. But what I found was that after I did the meditation, the boredom would return. Then the other unpleasant feelings would follow.

Last weekend I was ill. Even by my own standards, I was not letting my body rest. I got to the point where taking a walk to the shops felt like a physically exhausting endeavour. By Sunday I ended up having three naps. I took a day off sick on Monday too.

I took this as an opportunity to return to creature comforts. Nostalgic trips of playing old video games help – I re-completed the OG Pokemon and have been replaying Metal Gear Solid. Playing these games brought back a wave of positive feelings and emotional connection. It felt nice.I think I lost sight of the benefits of having comfort and safety.

Our so-called ‘comfort zones’ are often used in the sense of things that we have to break out of to grow. There is certainly an element of truth in that – if we are too comfortable we can stagnate. But I forgot that there is a reason why having a comfort zone is good too. It’s nice to feel calm and safe somewhere. This psychological safety is what brings us back to a place of homeostasis.

This weekend I’ve been spending more time daydreaming. The only plans I had this weekend got cancelled, so I can instead just relax and let my mind wander and think about nice things. I forgot how nice and relaxing it can be. It’s something I used to do a lot when I was younger, so it feels very familiar and comforting.

I think I lost this art because as the responsibilities grow, I would get caught up in a negative thought, which would then spiral. For example, It can be easy to let a thought about work turn into a stressful creation of planning what I need to do for the week ahead. I then started equating day dreaming to unhappy thoughts, so I stopped doing it.

But I’ve learnt to notice these thought patterns. Rather than trying to ‘outthink’ negative thinking (which does not work!), I just instead return to a nicer thought. Reliving a nice memory. An event, or the company of someone I enjoyed. It doesn’t take long until I’ve completely forgot about the negative thought.It’s a little funny to think about it, because I know a few years ago I would spend hours in the evening trying to think my way out of my negative thinking. But this just made the problem worse, which would lead to worse sleep and an even more negative cycle. If only I had known then what I know now!

When I returned to the positive train of thought, this then kicked off a creative process of what I wanted to do. When I thought of someone I hadn’t spoken to, I wandered how they were. It reminded me that I hadn’t spoke to them in a while so I could drop them a message saying I was thinking of them.

It feels nice for me to reconnect with them, and I also know that there’s few things more pleasant than receiving a message from someone you haven’t heard from in a while simply because they were thinking of you.

I also found myself thinking about what I might want to do. My brain started engaging in some travel plans for next year. I started looking up some initial ideas and asking for some advice. It was nice to think about what possibilities I could have. The planning felt fun and exciting, which was so starkly different compared to the recent travel I had done where it felt more like a chore.

Not only am I now enjoying my time alone, it also doesn’t need to feel like a serious thing I have to do. This isn’t a ‘need’ to go meditate or do yoga to feel better. I can just come to a relaxed space when I want. It no longer feels like another item on the ‘to-do’ list.

It also means that having a free weekend isn’t a daunting a prospect as it has been recently. If I have nothing to do this weekend, then I’ll just enjoy time with myself. I also know that this will mean I’m far more present when I am actually with people because I’ve properly rested too. I also have more space for spontaneous chats or just hanging out without a plan.

It may sound a little silly, but taking time out to day dream about nice things could be the missing piece to your mental wellbeing.

Finding the joie de vivre in our life’s work

Photo by Praswin Prakashan on Unsplash

I’m writing this on a lazy Sunday, where I’ve been feeling anything but with the essence of joie de vivre.

I had an injury on my abdomen return on Friday. My Saturday was watching England get hammered by South Africa in the Cricket World Cup (and also lose to the same opponent in the Rugby World Cup, but I follow that less). Meanwhile, Chelsea managed to throw away a 2-0 lead against Arsenal in the last 15 minutes to draw 2-2.

But this week was around connecting with my joie de vivre about what I do.

A few weeks ago I realised how I had become a little disillusioned with the world of policymaking. Everything felt quite slow, and I questioned whether what I was doing was really worth it. Unsurprisingly, I’ve been putting less intentional energy in the work I do.

This wasn’t a conscious decision, rather a slow descent into apathy. There is a marked difference between how I showed up as a fresh intern ten or so years ago compared to how I’m showing up now. Now this isn’t an exercise in self-judgement. I’ve worked in rather complex and large policy areas. As much as it’s important to be professional, working on Brexit was a tiring and rather scarring experience. Even now, EU policy is riddled with words of ‘crisis’ (or my personal pet peeve, ‘polycrisis’). It’s easy to fall into despair, which seems to be the currency of choice going in the media right now.

But this mentality isn’t particularly helping me. I am robbing myself of my own ability to change things for the better if I carry around this apathy with me.It’s easy to fall into doom and gloom, and the solution seems to be to share this with others until we’re all in the same boat. I think secretly, we’re a world that is looking for inspiration and hope. But we can only find these things if we are open to them.

I went to an event with an accomplished, learned former politician speaking. He spoke with humility and grace. He answered questions genuinely, thanked people sincerely and set out a vision of what he thought would be helpful. Here was someone that I felt was doing what he thought was right to help without a sense of ego

When I looked up the history of this person, I could see a man who had been looking to do what was right for a consistently long period of time – I’m talking decades. I’m sure if I delved deep enough I would have found things I disagreed with. But that would detract from a genuine admiration I felt for this person.

In the past, I would have robbed myself from feeling inspired from such a speech. Firstly, because I wouldn’t have been in the room to listen in the first place. But secondly, because I probably wouldn’t have really been listening deeply. If I don’t acknowledge my genuine feelings of being lost or feeling apathetic, it is impossible for anyone to really talk to that fully. I would be too busy deflecting and questioning to receive the hope being transmitted. Even if that’s what I really wanted deep down.

Since I mentioned the painful side of sport earlier, I’ll also mention the inspiring side too. I’ve been absolutely captivated by Jude Bellingham, a 20 year old footballer. He grew up in Birmingham and is visibly an ethnic minority. Rather than take the easy route and stay in England, he went to Borussia Dortmund to really hone his craft. This summer, he was bought by Spanish giants Real Madrid. For me, there’s something really compelling about his story personally as a fellow ethnic minority that decided to move to the continent to ply my trade.

Logic would say that being a big money signing at such a young age should be a recipe for disaster. Madrid fans can be fickle, and if you don’t play well they can turn on you quickly. This was the history of the most recent British export, Gareth Bale.

Yet somehow this young man has made the price tag of 100 million euros paid for him look like a bargain. He has become a leading figure, averaging around a goal a game despite being a midfielder. I watched highlights of him dribbling and scoring against Napoli in the Champions League a month or two ago – he makes it look like he is playing against children. And on Wednesday he played for England where he played an incredible game, first winning a penalty then running half the pitch to set up a goal.

What this guy is doing should not really be possible. He is too young with too much pressure on him. Yet the way he conducts himself is with a deeper knowing that he can take control of a whole game, despite being surrounded with far more experienced people than him.

It might seem weird to spend so much time talking about a footballer. This isn’t a sports blog after all. But I am a multidimensional human beings, with all sorts of different influences. Perhaps the British side of me is coming out with this statement – It’s okay to be inspired. In fact, it’s good. My tendency is to play it down, or find ways to negate that feeling. But why not enjoy it? It’s one of the sweetest feelings we get, because it helps us dream about what is possible.

When we dream, we can re-kindle the joy that we may have lost along the way.

The importance of being in the room where it happens

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This week’s theme for me was about getting myself out there. Over the last few months,

I noticed that I haven’t been going out to meet the world as much as I could – particularly around and about in Brussels. Perhaps it was a hangover from the pandemic, but the convenience of online meetings has led me to become a little overreliant on online communication.

Don’t get me wrong – I think that the way we can now connect so seamlessly is a massive gift. But there is still a big place for seeing people in person, particularly for the first time.

So this week I attended a few networking evenings plus work events. I feel a bit silly now, but it became starkly evident that I had been missing out on great connections due to my passivity. From a policy perspective, there’s so much to be gained by attending events for new ideas, whilst at a networking discussion a short conversation can build a far deeper connection than an ongoing email exchange ever could.

I attended the launch of the InclusivEU initiative on Tuesday morning to increase diversity in Brussels. It was the first time I had been to a diversity-related event here. To be honest, I didn’t know whether anyone would show up – I didn’t think that there were networks of people who cared about it here.

So it was a really nice surprise to meet a group of people that genuinely cared about the subject. After the event ended I somewhat sheepishly mentioned to people that I had written a book about the subject (I kept a spare copy in my bag). It was really nice to see how supportive people were. Someone even asked for a picture of me posing with my book!

For the last 12 months I thought I wrote a book that was only a passing interest to people in this town. Honestly, It’s a bit embarrassing that I didn’t realise there was a whole network of people looking at this stuff!

The final ‘room’ I was in this weekend was in Utrecht. I attended a two-day body-house movement event. In fact, I’m writing this on the train back home right now. The weekend was around personal development, but far more around body and presence than other events I’ve been to.

In the heady world of policymaking, I never realised that we have access to a deeper level of presence. I’m not just talking about actually listening, I mean deep, deep presence. As a rough illustration, let’s say that the first level is being present whilst having distractions. This is when we have background noise or our phones. The second level is being present without external distraction such as speaking to someone without notifications on in the background. The third level is being present without external or internal distraction. This is where we are present to someone without being distracted by our own internal monologue.

What I learnt is that there is an even deeper level of presence. I only accessed it for short bursts (I found it extremely tiring to be in!) but what I experienced was being in a realm-bending level of presence. When I am in this state, it’s like the concept of time (and basic reality) no longer exists. Everything is slowed. Actions are exaggerated and heightened – almost explosive. I feel like matter is a blending movement of sensory energy and wave of movements. Suddenly small movements and gestures suddenly conveyed to me an incredible amount of information.

I’m not sure what I experienced really has words. It’s a bit frightening and exciting to know that it’s something I can access. Aside from sounding cool, the reason I find this a valuable thing to access is that I find my ability to understand and connect with people deepen the further I play with these sorts of experiences. So it’s one I’ve committed to playing with now I return to ‘normal life’.

Most of the remarkable things that happened to me this week were in spaces that were not ones I was obliged to attend. The easy thing would have been to not do any of them. Nobody would have complained or blamed me for doing so. After all, they came at some cost – I gave up another weekend away, and the amount of free time I’ve had for myself this week has felt quite minimal.

But I also know that if I want to make deeper connections, and more critically, heightened impact, I need to be in the rooms where it happens. The same goes for you.

If you want something new, go out and explore. It could be the most effective route to getting what you want.

Why our views on building people’s skills are outdated

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2023 is the European Year of Skills. This is an initiative from the European Commission to address skill shortages within the EU.

Considering that it’s October and you probably never heard of this, I’m going to suggest that this initiative hasn’t been a roaring success.

The rationale is there – according to the Commission three quarters of companies in the EU say they have difficulties finding workers with the necessary skills.

This week, I attended the EU Industry Days – all things industrial policy. One of the topics that came up frequently was around skills, including a set-piece panel on it.

The message was clear – we need more people in these jobs.I must admit this conversation was the one that left me the most disillusioned. Whilst there were some interesting points, a key answer seemed to be about ‘improving the image’ of traditional industry to attract young people.

I was very struck at how there was little to no self-reflection on why people might not want to work at these places. Calling it an image problem is far easier than actually looking at why people may not be actually getting through the door.

Let’s start with the practicalities of the job market. It is insane.We have the most educated workforce we have ever had. In Europe, having at least a bachelor and speaking several languages is becoming increasingly the norm. It’s increasingly common for me to meet people with Master degrees, often with two.

At the same time, applying for jobs has become one mad system to gamify. Job ads expecting years of experience for entry level positions have become the norm. We need to overcome bizarre AI technology scanning our CVs – fear the wrath of not having enough of the right buzzwords and see your application dumped straight into the bin. This happens even for admin jobs such as receptionists!

Organisations themselves expect far more from people in a far shorter amount of time. Even in my relatively short time in the workforce, I’ve seen the expectations of new recruits absolutely spiral – now it’s about getting them to hit the ground running in as little time as possible. Meanwhile, the real term pay offering is far less – many jobs might only just cover rent in shared accommodation in cities.

What I found disheartening was also a lack of any real discussion about widening access to the talent pool. There was no mention of initiatives such as return to work schemes for women post-maternity, let alone tackling diversity issues.

Coming from a South Asian background, I am neither particularly attracted nor would I recommend a career in traditional manufacturing sectors. Whether this is the reality or just my perception, I’d expect to experience issues of exclusion and racism. Meanwhile, I have many queer friends who would not ‘conform’ to the workplace expectations, and despite being highly emotionally intelligent, competent people, they would be frozen out.

Young people are less willing to put up with the bullsh*t of organisational culture. I’m rather in awe of Gen Z workers being able to see so clearly through the pointlessness of office practices, 9-5 routines and sliming through office politics for 50 years. This is not an image problem. This is a case of outdated mindsets for the modern world.

When businesses cry for more adept, skilled workers, the policy response is usually to increase the pipeline by encouraging more people to pursue these routes through education.Whilst this is a positive step, it doesn’t tackle some of the underlying issues. The whole system is based upon getting people with years and years of education into roles as quickly as possible A generation ago such requirements for most jobs would not have existed.

Most jobs don’t need people to have deep technical skills, and yet we are wanting people with over five years of university level education in areas such as computer science and engineering to fulfill them. Yes, there are roles that require the deep technical expertise, but in my experience these are far less than is actually made out.

I’m not always the biggest fan of relying on supply/demand to fix problems, but I think it can help here. People who are unemployed are willing to make the effort to reskill if it means they can feed their kids or have a fulfilling career. But currently, the barriers are way too high due to the amount of time investment needed.

It makes really little sense to go back to university for several years without even knowing if this will get you a job in the end. From a systems perspective, it’s expecting people to spend years of their lives studying just to have a technical qualification that they will probably not actually use for 80% of their job.Whilst I cannot speak for more technical subjects, my Master in European Studies, whilst helpful, would not have actually been needed for my job – most things I could have learnt within a couple of months of working. And this is despite me being one of the rare examples of people who actually works in the field that I studied in.

Most IT skills which are now basic requirements (web calling, project management – even self learning how to use PowerBI via LinkedIn) was learnt from learning whilst on the job, rather than a formal educational programme.

What we need is a shift in mindset. One that believes in people, rather than one obsessing over qualifications. We’ve sleepwalked into a situation where getting a job requires far more years of education than is actually needed. Now, when faced with skill shortages, we want to increase the supply of overqualified people, rather than shift the system.

When given the right conditions, people can learn an incredible amount in a very short amount of time. I’ve seen that for myself, and through working as a coach.

So let’s build a streamlined system. Both the economy and people will appreciate it.

Everything everywhere all at once is not a recipe for success

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I spoke to someone recently who remarked that I sounded quite relieved when I told her I felt like I could just concentrate on just living for the next few months.

Last week, I wrote about how we can better integrate the different areas of our lives. The natural consequence of that we receive an economy of scale. It also means we reduce the sense of feeling guilty for not doing enough.

For me, I would feel like I could not ‘complete’ all of my goals within the timeframe I had put on myself, nor within the hours of the day. The mixture of career, leisure, fitness, coaching and writing felt like a constant juggling act.

I’ve worked a lot to make myself more effective. The work around shifting mindset has done wonders – I’m far more effective in many areas and I have a far more fulfilling life than I did before. Yesterday was the first weekend day where I had nothing planned in four weeks, whilst Friday was the first ‘evening off’ with nothing scheduled in the last 10 days, which included a trip to London.

On the one hand, it is great how I can do so many more things within my 24 hour cycle. The work I’ve done on myself has definitely transformed my life, and I am seizing far more of what life has to offer.On the other hand, having such a packed schedule does not bring the best out of me. If I feel like I am constantly doing things it can start to feel exhausting. I’ve also felt quite disheartened when I look at how hard I’ve been trying with my different goals, only to find relatively modest returns.

My recent rut has been to feel a little stuck, and I’ve felt quite demotivated. Everything I’ve been doing has felt like the answer is just patience, and a lot of the fun has fallen away. I’ve noticed myself being a little passive with my job. My health goals has felt like a game of patience and grinding. Whilst my writing and coaching has also been less active as I’ve questioned which way to take it.Life has felt a little stagnant.

But the relief came when I realised that I didn’t need to make this so complicated. The moment of clarity came last weekend when attending the LAMRON intensive (a 3 personal development workshop in London). I can really simplify what I’m doing so that it doesn’t need to feel like I am having to project manage each area of my life.

Right now, my goal is to focus upon going out in the world and connecting with people.From a career perspective, I’ve worked in policy for over 8 years. I think I’ve become a little tired of it recently, and it would do me good to reignite my enthusiasm for what I do. I’ve already noticed how going out, attending events and meeting people is give some stimulation after a lethargic-feeling summer.

For my health goals, I’ve been going to a new studio where I enjoy the ambiance more. I’ve been doing new dance classes which have injected some novelty and fun. I’ve booked to attend the same class on a regular basis so I can feel a better sense of continuity and connection. Previously my attendance of classes at my last yoga studio were sporadic, and the nature of the place meant there was less chance to connect with others there.

With the coaching and writing, everything has felt quite slow. Whilst I’ve really worked on improving my skill, I feel like the impact is still relatively limited. This is not to take away the fact that I know what I do really impacts people (every so often I get messages from people telling me as much), but I know that there are a lot more people that could benefit from hearing what I have to say.

A bloody-minded focus upon building genuine connections keeps this a clear and easy focus for me. I’ve built a solid base for myself here in Brussels to do this. I’ve also done the work on myself to know I don’t really need to ‘try’ so hard to impress others. It’s instead simply a case of showing up consistently and being myself.

If there’s any message you take from this article, let it be this – keep it simple. No matter what your current goals and ambitions are, the simpler the action the greater clarity you have.

And it’s in clarity that we produce our greatest results.

The journey of integrating our different selves into one

If you’ve been following my writing for a while, you might not be surprised to learn that I’m currently on the Eurostar. I shift across from London and Brussels regularly, in fact this is the second time I’m in the UK this month.

I’m attending another three-day intensive around personal development. Each time I attend, I find new ways in which I can deepen my understanding about myself and the world. This time, I want to go with nothing to prove, nothing to take and no one to impress.

Instead, I want to really live into being fully present and receiving the learning opportunities. The fact I’m doing this is illustrative of how much I enjoy different things. And why not? After all, there are many rich experiences to enjoy in life. Nonetheless, what has become apparent has been the way in which this makes it hard to keep track of my priorities, with the risk of spreading myself thin.

On the one hand, I write here about personal development and attend many seminars. On the other hand, I am a policy professional living and working within the EU bubble focussing on the decarbonisation of industry. Last year, I dedicated myself to finish my first non-fiction book, whilst last week I did my first pole dancing class.

I know I’m not the only one who enjoys many different things. But what I’m also seeing is that I am reaching a good level in many different paths, rather than excellence in one. One answer that people told me was that I needed to focus. Rather than doing so much, I should just put all that energy into a single place.

Honestly, I think this works for some people, but for me the model doesn’t really fit. One of my great skills is being able to pick up things quickly, and my natural curiosity is a gift to the world. I’m also seeing that there are examples of people who do multiple things and are highly successful – so why can’t I do this? I’ve spent enough time being told that I have to choose, but often these are from people whose natural tendency is to be more single minded. Whilst I have no judgement on this way of living, their style doesn’t really satisfy what I want from life.

I had an extremely powerful insight this week. Rather than narrowing down my options, I can instead see the different paths I’m following and allow them to converge. I’m a bit embarrassed to say this. I cannot believe it has taken me this long to realise this thing which seems very obvious. For the last few years, I’ve seen my personal development journey and coaching as a side hustle. I’ve treated it as something completely separate to the work I do as a policy professional.

The massive insight has been realising that these two paths do not need to be separate, but can be one and the same. In fact, if I keep treating them as separate, I’m more than likely doomed to mediocrity in both. I want to make a massive positive impact in the world. That’s what drew me into the world of policymaking and public service in the first place. But when I found the limits to the change I could make, I found a different path – how I could support people through their own personal development journey.

What’s become really apparent to me is that these can be much closer aligned than what I am doing right now. The more I can help people bringing the spiritual side in the way we create our policies, the more we can have more humane and effective governance. Living and working in Brussels, I know how sorely this is needed. I also know that with all the work I’ve done on myself tied in with my experience of policymaking, I am uniquely placed to do this work.

We can forget that we are one single being. The same person who goes to work is the same person who comes home. The person who plays sports on the weekend is the same one watching TV. The more we can bring the different elements of ourselves together, the more we can see our life path clearly. And I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want more clarity in their life.

As someone who has recently struggled to see the path, this is a real gamechanger.

A spiritual perspective on increasing our impact

Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash

A month ago, I wrote about attending a talk by John Patrick Morgan. Yesterday he switched up the formula and chose to have conversations with people. I get a lot out of listening to him, so I fancied the chance to talk with him directly too.

By the time the call swung by, it was quite late Brussels time (starting at 9pm), so I was at quite a wary state. When JP asked me the question of what I would love to create, I wasn’t feeling particularly inspired. In fact, I have been feeling a sense of being lost. So to flip that, I said that I was looking a better sense of direction.

I’ve been changing a lot. And the speed of the transformation has only seemingly sped up too. In the talk, I shared the mental imagery of a Rubik’s Cube where all the sides were being changed at the same time. In such a cacophony of change, it makes sense for me to feel a loss of ‘what is’.

We spoke about the importance of leaning into the discomfort and pain that arises from self-realisation. Whilst this was a valuable reminder for me, it’s something I intuitively knew. My nature hasn’t generally been to shy away from discomforts, particularly in this realm of personal development.

I’m accepting that my life path is to do great things that will massively impact the world in a positive way. I don’t write this as some attempt to brag or manifest this. Instead, my spiritual journey has reinforced this message in subtle, different signs. I’m now getting to the point where I would rather lead the life I’m meant to rather than shying away from it.

The part that particularly struck me was JP’s observation that my spirit seemingly can do more. At the time, I found this a little confusing – after all, I am already doing a lot in my life. But the real power came from when JP highlighted that a way to look at it was to do what I’m doing, but focus on making a bigger difference, for more people, in less time.

This comment lined up with a conversation I had with my coach when speaking with him last week. My ability to do more with my time has led me to try new things. And whilst there is a great richness in life in this, it has also meant me doing a lot of activities that aren’t particularly valuable or impactful. By being more energetic and available, I had been making my time and energy a cheaper commodity. In other words, it’s important for me to value my time far more than I have been doing, even if it is just for me to sit alone at home.

Sometimes we can get caught up in the idea that we need to do new things to create something. Sometimes that can be helpful, but sometimes it is about doing what we are already doing, but better. After the dialogues, there was a short debrief session. It was great to look at how JP holds these spaces so well. I reflected at how well he was sure in what he was saying without ever ‘knowing’ it was true. He was extremely clear, but also extremely open.

One participant shared how JP previously said that the goal isn’t to dilute yourself, but instead increase the love in the container to take the heat. I found this point particularly poignant, because I think it’s where a lot of people lose impact. We either are too scared to share something impactful because we are scared of hurting the other person.

Or we go the opposite way and become the ‘bad cop’ persona that ‘tells it how it is’ without the human element. What I’ve learnt is that going deeper in our emotional connection is necessary to go deeper in the impactful work we do. And the deeper we go, the more effective it will be.

I like to talk about this in the form of masculine and feminine energy. To go deeper in our masculine (directional) energy, we must go deeper in our feminine (flowing) energy. This is usually the case and starting point for (heterosexual) men. This can look like opening up on our vulnerabilities to build trust before going into a decision-making discussion. For women, it is usually the other way around – going deeper in the masculine energy allows them to go deeper in the feminine energy. As an example here, it takes some level of masculine, directional energy to start a difficult conversation rather than avoiding of being fearful of conflict. But resolving this conflict will then allow for a deeper emotional connection and allow us to connect deeper into feminine energy.

If it’s not apparent, I got a bucket load of insights from this conversation yesterday, even if it was 90 minutes in total. This single fact reinforces to me the point that value and time are two very different variables. We can maximise our impact by increasing the value, rather than the time.

P.S. I am running an online programme in the month of November – undercutting your overthinking – where we will explore these themes. My aim for this is creating something that will really help you in making the shift I describe in this article, as well as other lingering unhelpful states of mind such as anxiety and frustration.

I created this programme because I see so many people could benefit from the work I have found through my foray into personal development. Unfortunately, many do not know this work exists and how much it can benefit them in their relationships, careers and personal wellbeing. The radical changes in my life demonstrates to me the power it can have for you.

If this speaks to you, drop me a message to learn more.

The subtle art of experiencing unpleasant moments

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Five minutes before writing this article, I dropped my toiletries off the side of my sink.

The result was a dramatic explosion of products and powders on the floor. Not only was the stuff kind of expensive, it was also a rather sizeable mess which was awkward to clean up.

I was pissed off. In fact I still am.

Some people think that this space of personal development is about not letting things upset us, but I think that although that can be part of it, we can fall into denying our feelings if we are not careful. It’s okay for me to get frustrated – I am only human after all. But the way I deal with that frustration can either be constructive or destructive.

In the past, I would let the negative feeling drown away my day. I would chastise myself for being so clumsy, which would undermine my sense of self-worth. Starting a day in such a way, it’s usually hard to have it be a particularly joyful experience.

Until recently, I had changed my approach towards a much more rational one. I would follow a very logical line that these are just material possessions and it won’t take me long to clean up anyway. I would then just carry on with my day with a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ mindset. Whilst this was functionable, and certainly can be helpful at times, it also implicitly denied what I was actually really feeling.

What I’ve learnt is that it’s really important for me to feel what I’m feeling. Not to dissect, rationalise or justify, but just to experience them. The actual reality is that I do feel sad about knocking over my stuff. It matters to me and I am disappointed, and that’s okay.

The reason it is important for me to have the time to experience the emotion is that the sooner I give myself the time to experience this, the sooner I can return to a base state. It’s amazing how after a short amount of time of giving time to me, the feeling can pass, and I find that the more I practice this, the quicker it happens. This is a far cry from when I would linger on the feelings so much that they could last several days.

We can often try to shortcut this part of experiencing unpleasant emotions like sadness or anger, but my experience is that this only serves to postpone the feeling. A common tactic is finding a way to distract ourselves, but this only serves to delay. The emotions will come up one way or another, and it’s better to get them out sooner rather than be weighed down with them for a long time (sometimes even a life time).

We can even play with the idea of using our feelings as a prompt for a new action. This works well, as long as it is not laced in self-judgement. Next time, I will ensure that I don’t leave so much stuff on the edge of my sink. I also turned this experience into something constructive by using it as inspiration for this article. As long as we are not chastising ourselves, these experiences can be valuable as moments for our development.

P.S. I am running an online programme in the month of November – undercutting your overthinking – where we will explore these themes. My aim for this is creating something that will really help you in making the shift I describe in this article, as well as other lingering unhelpful states of mind such as anxiety and frustration.

I created this programme because I see so many people could benefit from the work I have found through my foray into personal development. Unfortunately, many do not know this work exists and how much it can benefit them in their relationships, careers and personal wellbeing. The radical changes in my life demonstrates to me the power it can have for you. If this speaks to you, drop me a message to learn more.

Undercutting our time spent overthinking

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash

How often do you spend your evenings thinking about work? Perhaps you have issues sleeping because you can’t ‘let go’ of the thoughts that persist in your head. Even when you’re on holiday, you will find yourself checking your emails ‘just in case’.

These are all symptoms of overthink.

Last week, someone asked me how I was so productive in my life. I hadn’t thought about it consciously, but it was true – I do a lot of additional activities outside of my full time job, and this is also the most sociable I’ve ever been in my life.

This was not some magical gift I was born with. If you met me a few years ago, I would have spent my evenings sitting on the sofa feeling exhausted after a day of work. My weekends were spent hibernating. Simple tasks like groceries and doing the laundry felt like an insurmountable chore.

The biggest change has been this shift in my thinking. Without realising, my whole life was being driven by my thoughts. Every musing needed to be understood and rationalised, even if it was absolutely banal. A pleasant walk outside could quickly be tarnished because I would have an intrusive thought.

This would prompt a large internal monologue about a situation that was well in the past. I was too busy spending my time in this world to notice the clear blue sky and the smell of the beautiful flowers.

One of the reasons I’ve been drawn to coaching is because I’ve seen how big a transformation we can make by changing our relationship with our thinking. I’ve had several conversations this week with clients about how much of their predicaments – work, relationship, money – ultimately stem from the propensity to overthink. The irony is that the worry our thinking causes us makes us less effective in dealing with the issues that we are facing.

I know they aren’t the only people experiencing this. In a world where we are bombarded with emails, news alerts and social media notifications, our stimulation is at an all time high.

In November, I am setting up a month-long online programme. This will be for anyone who finds themselves spending far too much time in their own head and not enough time in the present day.

By unwinding the reliance on the mind, You will spend far less time stuck in thought. This will allow you to enjoy the current moment at a far greater level, whilst also giving you much more time and energy to create what you want.

If you are interested, drop me a message.

Flipping adversity into a source of strength

Photo by Ozark Drones on Unsplash

Heart openings can bring up a lot of emotion. I’ve been feeling it the last week or so.

My recent focus has been to better connect my mind with my body. I’ve been more conscious about the way I move, recommitted to my yoga classes and been to a few ecstatic dance and tantra events recently too.

What I hadn’t realised was how much emotion I had kept stored in the body. My methods of dealing with feelings I did not like was to push them away. This meant they were left unexpressed. Over time, a lot of residue has stored up within me.

I’m now experiencing these emotions come up to the surface. I’ve been experiencing flashes of past moments of regret and embarrassment. Reliving these emotion can be tiring, but I also know that this is a critical part of the healing phase.

Mindfulness has been a really helpful aid here. I noticed recently how much my urge has been to ‘fix’ or ‘react’ to an emotion. If I feel bad, my tendency has been to rationalise a reason as to why something went wrong. This usually leads to a drawn out thought process where my brain crafts scenarios of how not to experience these emotions again.

With some maturity, I’ve fortunately recognised how fallible my mind is in this state. When trying to explain the ‘why’ behind an emotion, I’m susceptible to broad brush assumptions about the world. I can then end up judging someone or something because my mind has decided that the reason I felt that way was their fault.

When I truly see emotions as a passing wind that come and go, I realise that I do not have to be so beholden to them. Even if I am having unpleasant feelings, I can see that there’s nothing for me to do or fix. After a while they pass anyway. This is the healing process.

I spoke to one of my coaches this week about my experiences here. He gave me a prompt to take it one step further. Mindfulness can be great to get us away from a reactionary state, but how can I actually flip this experience to be one that I see as a positive?

I realised how important it was to see this process as part of a wider growth phase. Expression of these stored emotions allows me to be lighter. This in turn allows me to feel more deeply without feeling like I need to withdraw. The more I lean into these discomforts, the deeper I go into my transformational journey. This allows me to enjoy the gifts of life in a much more enriching way.

If we were always feeling good, life would be rather boring. And it is often these unpleasant emotions that give us the signal that something was not to our taste.It is these feelings that are pointing me towards where further work is to be done. Where there is discomfort, there is growth.

A lot of nicer memories that I had forgotten have been returning to me. I suddenly found myself thinking about old songs I used to listen to on repeat, as well as moments of happiness that I had totally forgotten about.

Life is about how we frame it. An experience can be positive or negative. We get to choose which, depending on how we look at them. The best day can be terrible and the worst day can be amazing.

Where we truly see that this choice is within our gift, the whole paradigm of our life changes forever.

And if we have the choice, why not frame things positively?