Photo by Vivek Doshi on Unsplash
Each year, I write a reflective post around the time of my birthday.
This year, I’m not really sure what to say. It is as if my mind has become even more fogged in confusion than ever before.
One of the ironies of life is that the more we learn, the less we seem to understand.
I feel better equipped than ever to explain the phenomena that I see. I’ve observed, learnt, studied. And yet, I seem less about to comprehend it than ever.
As an example, I volunteered to work at a bar the other weekend for an event. It was nice to use my hands and just fulfill people’s orders.
I took one order of four long drinks (a spirit and mixer). The total was 40 Euros. The person didn’t blink an eye. They simply tapped their card.
In relative terms, I know that this wasn’t even that expensive. There are places which charge hundreds, if not thousands for a drink. The same drink that you can buy at a fraction of the price at the corner shop just outside of the venue.
It’s at this point that my logical brain kicks in. There’s all sorts of rational explanations. Social pressure. Inhibited decision making ability. A desperation for ‘letting off steam’ and worrying about the bank account later.
Well, all I can say is that I realise that my brain doesn’t work like that. I’ve been at a festival this weekend and I would rather go hungry than feel the anger of getting ripped off for a 18 euro pizza (that will also probably not actually fill me up either).
Knowing this is helpful. It is progress. But it also feels isolating. I suppose it’s better to know why I don’t fit in than simply always feeling an outsider but wondering whether I am just worrying too much (spoiler alert: I’m not).
My birthday was yesterday. This year, I’ve spent it going to Rock Werchter Festival. Partly because it sounded nice. Partly because it was an easier thing to organise. The idea of hosting a birthday party sounded too complex.
I’ve spoken to friends about how the 30s are going to be better than our 20s. These days, 20s are years of struggle, constant change and financial struggle. 30s have more stability and independence.
I still think this is true, but my early 30s have been pretty rough. So far, most of this period has been filled with a burnout.
For the first time, I have no idea what the next year holds. I have some plans, but I’m making little attempts to look ahead. I’d like to pretend that this is due to some deep wisdom around ‘staying in the moment’. The reality is that I’m too tired.
I have some restrained optimism that it will go better, and – dare I say it – actually well.
But I’ll simply return to the mantra that has served my well in recent history. Let the Universal Law of Nature do it’s thing.
It’ll guide me to where I’m meant to be.