Photo by John Doyle on Unsplash
A few days ago, I went to the cash machine, then walked directly to the supermarket. I bought a full load of groceries and walked back home.
I had no major fatigue or back pain flaring up. Believe it or not, this was notable progress.
It sounds so insignificant, but in the context of what I’ve been experiencing, this is a sign that I can slowly rely on my body again. It’s also incrementally more than I’ve been able to do in the last few weeks, and a much better bodily response than I’ve had in years.
I like to pretend that I’m some sort of wise oracle, but sometimes my philosophical messages come purely out of a survival instinct. The truth is, if I didn’t appreciate the small positive steps I’ve been taking, I would probably have gone insane by now.
I’m not one for massive reminiscing into the past. I find that if we dwell there too long, we lose our grip on the present. But having a reference point to small incremental gains can be useful. The fact that I’m functioning far more effectively than I was about a year ago demonstrates that my health is improving.
In a world where want instant, dopamine providing feedback, there are many things that inevitably take a long time. Health is an obvious example of this, but I think it goes for many things, like building a skill or any other long term project. Attempting to speed up the process only ends up making it slower, and often more painful.
I’ll admit that it’s a challenge to find the balance. Whilst it’s good to appreciate when things go well, too much naval gazing can be risky. For example, it’s handy to look at the immediate past, but if I compare myself to before my burnout, I would undoubtedly get depressed. Back then, I was working full time, regularly travelling, writing and pursuing several hobbies.
It’s also important not getting too caught up in what it all means, and over-extrapolating the win’ part of it either. After all, the night after I woke up with anxiety in my throat at 4am, which messed up somewhat my next day. The small steps aren’t big ones, no matter how much we might wish them to be.
Small wins are just that, small. They build up incrementally, but only when we continue sowing the seeds for them to grow. A lack of patience and discipline can squander our progress.
And so, I plod along. I see recovery in sight. Part of me feels like it’s not too far. But another part of me feels like it will take longer than I expect. Either way, it doesn’t change too much practically. Slow recovery, step by step. I’ll get where I need to be.