Photo by Nicole Linnarz on Unsplash
Since April, I feel like I’m making progress. I’m putting in effort, and I’m seeing results.
This is in stark contrast to the last twelve months. Things have felt a struggle. There was a constant sense of ‘two steps forward, one step back’. I wasn’t in control of my body. My energy levels felt like a daily roll of the dice. I wasn’t clear with where I was going.
Right now, I feel like being in flow with life. Before, I felt like I was a boat paddling against the currents of the river. Now, I feel like I’m paddling with it.
So what changed?
Some things were about simply resting, recuperating, and understanding. I still joke that I thought 2024 would be more quiet. Instead, the norms of my life were completely shifted via burnout, an autism assessment and numerous other things.
This was necessary, and there was no bypassing this step. We cannot shortcut the difficult periods, even when our brain tries to rationalise it. At first, I kept trying to plan my sickness to see if I could come back to work earlier. But logic severely underestimated how deep the malaise was.
By late last year, I started regaining my energy, slowly but surely. And so I started looking ahead – what did I want to do and how could I extract myself from this low point. What followed was a burst of energy, hampered by sudden bouts of fatigue. I still felt lost, as well as the pressure of creating the life I wanted to live. In truth, I wasn’t really ready for greater things, but the process helped me understand more about myself nonetheless.
The change was caused through my deepened trust in the forces of the universe. A 10 day Vipassana silent meditation helped me shift my belief in the universe from an intellectual one, to one I experience and feel.
The universe has its own ways of testing, rewarding and punishing us. These will come up throughout our lives. When we are feeling stuck, frustrated or angry, this is a personal test. We must learn to overcome our challenges, and we can only do this by developing ourselves as individuals.
For me, this was about deeply letting go of control. I do not need to plan and perfect so many meticulous details of my life. After all, life is not meant to be this complicated. One of the reasons I burnt out was because I was managing so many different delicate situations both inside of me and in my work and relationships. This is not sustainable, and the only way I could realise it was through my soul putting the handbrake on.
Having now learnt this lesson, opportunities suddenly seem to be arising again. Fun things to do. Interesting projects. Activities that require effort and diligence, but feel rewarding. Supporting my father with his autobiography, hosting events, running workshops, building deeper connections. I’ve also found a good rhythm for my health. A mixture of fasting and weight training has given me a formula I can follow that gives the results I desire to lose weight.
This is what it is to feel in flow with life. I see the fruits of my labour. I am still tested and have harder days, but I approach the challenges feeling softer, clearer and more assured.
If you want to see real, long-lasting changes in your life, this is the flow you need to create.