Competitive culture is getting us obsessed with grinding. The answer to any setback in life just seems to be to try harder. But grinding is not healthy. And often, it’s actually very counterproductive.
It is true that many valuable things require hard work. Healthy relationships, successful careers and good fitness take work. But hard work is different to grinding.
This is something I’ve had to learn the hard way.
Since April, I feel like I’m making progress. I’m putting in effort, and I’m seeing results.
This is in stark contrast to the last twelve months. Things have felt a struggle. There was a constant sense of ‘two steps forward, one step back’. I wasn’t in control of my body. My energy levels felt like a daily roll of the dice. I wasn’t clear with where I was going.
Right now, I feel like being in flow with life. Before, I felt like I was a boat paddling against the currents of the river. Now, I feel like I’m paddling with it.
So what changed?
I will be off the grid for the next ten days. I am attending a 10 day Vipassanna meditation. That means no phones or outside contact. It’s not a retreat – the meditation takes place in silence, with entertainment, including reading or journalling not allowed.
The timetable is also strict. There is a 4am wake-up and set times for each day. So it’s certainly not a holiday experience.
A few friends have asked: how have I prepared for what will be a very intense experience?
Everyday we are constantly prompted by things we should desire.
During our weekly shop, the supermarket shelves are stacked with new, tasty products with shiny offers to tempt us. When we go to social events, our friends demonstrate a cool new trendy item of clothing. And when we commence our doomscrolling, social media apps bombard us with targeted ads of things to buy.
Yet one thing I’ve noticed over the last year is how much less I seem to desire these things. My general sense of ‘wanting’ has been extremely dulled.
When I reflect on this, I came to the question: is this enlightenment, or is this depression?
I went home for a few days this week.
It was nice to be at home, with no real responsibilities. I had clean clothes, clean sheets and home cooked meals readily available from my mum. It was a chance for me to basically just disappear from the world.
For an alluring moment, I had the thought that maybe this is all I needed from life. After all, aren’t home comforts great?
Yet, I realised that such a view was a fantasy. I did not really want to abandon my life.
A new year has come along. Many people are settling back into work in the midst of fog and ice.
It sounds very fantasy novel, but the realities are anything but. A backlog of emails and a return to the feelings of tiredness and stress. It’s like we never went away.
We are a product of the entourage we find ourselves in. And the entourage I am in are feeling an extra level of downtrodden and tired.
If this is how you’re feeling right now, this is your big, fat, blaring warning sign. You are potentially on the cusp of breaking down. In fact, you already might be.
As the year comes to a close, I’ve found myself returning to the bigger picture – my big ‘why’.
The point of dreams are to aim big, to stretch our thinking beyond what we currently think is possible. By going into the rational, we are losing our connection to what is beyond ‘realistic’.
One thing that’s really shifted my mindset on this is the idea of having a dream so big, that it would be literally impossible to achieve.
So what is my dream?
Next week, I’m releasing my second book, Become Your Best Self: Insights for finding meaning in the modern world. The book is a compilation of my writing here.
If you’ve been reading my articles over the last four years, I would love for you to consider buying my book – either for yourself or as a Christmas gift.
I have been freely giving my labour for thousands of hours. I am very unlikely to make substantial money in any case, but it will at least help support me as I continue on my path of learning. This way, I can ensure I can continue providing more value in the years to come.
I’ve gained ten kilos in the last 2-3 months.
I find this fact totally confounding. It’s not clear what’s really changed. If anything, I’ve probably been more healthy in the last few months. I’m exercising more, and paying more attention to what I eat.
Logic would say that I ought to have lost weight rather than gain it. In fact, I think it would be a challenge for anyone to gain 10 kilos in such a short amount of time even if they tried.
So how do I wrap my head around the facts in front of me?
‘What you might call a burnout, I would call a mutiny of the soul’.
A curious phrase. I had never thought about it that way.
It was what that John Patrick Morgan said to me this week on a phone call as he was doing his gardening.
My recent months of introspection have been far more scientific medical than spiritual. Whilst the last few years was far more about exploring the existential, 2024 has been a lot more about trying to rationalise and diagnose.
Yet, there was a reason I turned to spiritual teachings in the first place. There are limits to the scientific – the rational can only explain so much.