I’ve been taking a more direct approach to asking for what I want. LinkedIn is a great example of where this works, but really it exists in any facet of life.
A coach recently suggested that I reach out to somebody else to have a conversation. They were doing similar things – they had written a book and had done a lot of public speaking. They were a few steps ahead of where I am at. It was obvious that I could really benefit from this person’s knowledge, but they were also someone I had never met. They also sounded quite impressive, so I had no idea if they would respond.
I’ve been looking to be more proactive in doing what I say, so I just went ahead and sent a connection request, followed by a message. They responded within an hour. I then asked if we could have a conversation because I would love their advice. By the end of the day, we had booked something in the week later. The conversation itself was really helpful, but the biggest lesson was realising that connecting with someone was far easier to organise than I thought it would be.
We as humans are predisposed to help others. When someone asks for help, our natural tendency is to want to help them, even with people we don’t know.
I recently was in a social setting where I had a stranger coming up to me asking if I could help them with something. My initial response was that yes, I’d love to (if I could!). It then turned out that they were asking about whether I knew how to buy cocaine, so not really one I could help with! But it was notable how quick my own response was to see how I could help them, even without knowing what they wanted.
What I’ve also learnt is that there are a lot of people who are very successful and are very keen to help people where they can. Usually, these people have received their own support to get to where they are, so they are keen to play a role to help others. Their time is short, but they know their experience can really make a difference.
What often holds us back from making these requests in the first place is our thinking around the issue. We can create such fantastical stories about why someone could not or would not want to help. It essentially means that we don’t ask in the first place. A single request can open up our world, and we are doing ourselves a disservice by not asking.
Before you start making requests, there are a few things to bear in mind. Firstly, It is important that a request be something that someone can realistically help you with. Whilst there is nothing wrong with being bold with a request (i.e. asking for a lot), if it is something that someone cannot help you with, the answer will almost always be no.
For example, I would not ask a friend with no electrical experience to rewire the electrics in my house. Aside from being a bit confused why I would be asking them, they also would have no idea what to do.
Another issue is that people ask for things without really knowing what they want. When going to someone for help (particularly when their time is limited) the requests can be so vague that it’s hard to respond. I’ve received messages in the past where someone would ask for advice in something as broad as on what they should go to university or what to do for their careers. I have no problem with someone asking me for help. However, without giving any context or more information about themselves, I find it difficult to answer any of these questions.
So much depends on an individual’s personal circumstance, and it can sometimes feel like they are outsourcing their decision-making rather than looking to learn from my experience. In these instances, I would recommend instead asking for a conversation rather than some blanket advice which is neither particularly useful, nor easy to give effectively.
It is also important to make requests without coming from a place of neediness or expectation. I’ve received requests online from people who ask for something, then explain why they really need me to help them. This comes across as a mix of entitlement and/or judgmental if I don’t help them.
Remember, a request is something that someone can say ‘no’ to. If you’re expecting the person to say ‘yes’, then you are making an expectation, not a request. If you are bringing this energy, would I actually want to help you?
Another form of this can be asking for advice, but then not liking what the person tells you. People can sometimes go for advice because they want their opinions validated. I have sometimes said things that people do not want to hear, and they have responded being upset with me.
Bold, clear requests are extremely powerful. Taking the time to write a clear message setting out why you are approaching this person, what you would like from them and how grateful you would be for their support is an extremely potent combination.
I’ve seen a complete shift in my results. I went from having at least half a dozen overdue ‘catch-ups’ all turned into calls within a two-week period because I gave a clear ask. This has already opened up several doors that were previously closed to me.
Be bold with your requests and you can create an incredible amount of opportunities. This is without changing anything else with your life.
If you’d like to start, you can make a request to me.