Photo by Mike Setchell on Unsplash
I’ve been feeling low rather regularly in the last week. It’s really been at odds with what’s happening in my life. Broadly speaking, I’m actually on the up.
Yet as I regain my connection with the world, I also regain my connection with its pains. And right now, the world is in a lot of pain.
Seeing what is happening right now in Gaza is devastating. My soul has been longing for some space for sadness. After a period of time, perhaps I’m finally giving it.
I’ve lived in a political world for most of my adult life. I’ve gotten used to being up close to the messy realities of life. That’s meant a mixture of needing to build a thicker skin, and to some extent desensitising myself to what is happening. This was necessary, otherwise I simply wouldn’t function. But it also means that I can get overly protective of ourselves for fear of feeling the pain so deeply.
My career has been injected with messy politics. I was a European Commission trainee when the UK voted to leave the EU. My first few years on the career ladder was working on Brexit within the UK Government. The next few years we’ve witnessed Black Lives Matter, COVID, the war in Ukraine, and now Gaza. I know there’s more that doesn’t get the attention either: Congo, Sudan, Yemen and others. Then of course there’s US politics, but that would require its own political essay.
There was also the changing regime in Bangladesh. Student protests turned into greater civil unrest. This eventually led to the unseating of the long term Prime Minister, Sheikh Hasina.
I was very anxious last year as to whether the situation would deteriorate into a military style dictatorship. For now, things have stabilised, but we will have to see how the elections go next year. I felt a fool for not knowing how authoritarian things had gotten under the last government. Political opponents were sent into a jailed ‘House of Mirrors’. People would simply disappear to be tortured and starved. The state would deny any knowledge of them.
I’ve also felt betrayed by British politics. A shift from a supposed left-wing government to one against workers, migrants and trans people leaves me feeling disgusted. Not only is it a failure of following ones own principles, it’s also politically dumb. People who vote Reform are not going to suddenly shift to Labour. Meanwhile, previous core voters like me are wondering whether I will ever vote for the party again, let alone at the next election.
This is probably the first time I’ve acknowledged how much political anger I have, and how much this has been weighing down in my body. I’ve had a pain in my throat for a good number of months. It’s a sign that I’ve not been able to truly express myself.
I believe that there will be big social change coming. It may not happen right away, but the increasing amount of societal friction will inevitably lead to a big change.
But in the meantime, it’s important that we take care of ourselves. For some of us that will mean becoming more vocal – going out and protesting and being more active. And for some of us, that will mean withdrawing, reflecting and observing.
I’m certainly more in the secondary category. The idea of attending protests honestly frightens me. Not because of violence, but because of the amount of overwhelming emotional energy. I’ve had to learn to accept that I’m a more sensitive soul, and my skills to make change are better placed elsewhere.
I do wish that this was valued more. There is an implicit expectation, particularly in activist spaces, that supporting causes means needing to be at public demonstrations. If you don’t turn up, it’s because you don’t care. Yet real societal change has required some of us to do the quieter, less vocal and visible work to really implement things.
Alas, I’ve also learnt is not to get too caught up in these details either. The Universal Law of Nature demonstrates that there is a higher working to this all. We do not need to fix the world’s problems on our own. At the same time, at an individual level we still can do good things. And good actions will lead to good outcomes for us and the world.
Truly letting go to something higher means accessing a deeper belief that we will reach a happier, more united society in the end. Many key activists who fought for equality never even saw these things realised in their lifetime. But that did not deter them from action.
So even in times of strife, we can live feeling happy and hopeful. We can both be connected to the pain in the world but still choose peace and contentment.
In many ways, this is the greatest form of protest.