I’m back for a visit in London. I’m here to see my parents. Partly to do my familial duties. Partly to get a free birthday meal. Partly to get the rest of my mum’s cooking back to Brussels.
My last trip here left me feeling pretty bitter. Not for any reason. Instead, it was because of me being angry at UK politics. The issues that had come up felt raw. Left wing politics turned out to be not particularly left wing. Apparently, benefits need to be cut, immigrants are problematic and trans people are bad. Oh and Genocides are apparently not taking place either.
I noticed myself getting into a spiral where I felt quite sour around the idea of coming back. I’d remark of returning to the ‘sinking island’. I’m totally justified in having such an opinion. Indeed, we’re all entitled to one. Yet what I need to be careful of is falling into the negative spiral of seeing everything so negatively. If I’m not careful, it will turn any trip I have here into one of misery and anger.
Our minds can be very powerful tools. They have the power and elegance of a master painter. We can quickly completely change our opinions on things based upon how we now feel.
Does a relationship become less meaningful once we know it is over? We can be tempted to fall into that thinking. ‘Don’t look back in anger’, as a certain Manchester band touring right now would say.
One of the challenges I’ve found in hanging around marginalised groups is how negative they can become. What I first found as a sanctuary, quickly became evident as a breeding ground for negativity. Whilst this is understandable, it is also a trap. The comfort of finding people to complain with is that it further cements you down in your own feelings of negativity and loathing.
I’ve lost people because I disagreed with the way they saw things. Someone once told me that ‘why bother, the world is s**t anyway’. That’s not healthy energy. Nor does it drive us towards a happy life. Bonding over trauma lacks any real depth..
It’s important to realise that if we constantly remind of ourselves of the negativities, that these will also be the creations that we see in the world. The more I focuss upon the things I am angry about, the less space I had to actually enjoy the nice things. And there are nice things.
Being back in the UK, and particular London, is one of the few places where I see more people who look and speak like me. Everything just feels so easy as well. There’s a part of British, pragmatic culture I’ll always miss – especially in contrast to the bureaucratic behemoth of Brussels. I want to enjoy these things.
Yet I’ve also learnt that we can go too far with this as well. Because if we do not see the negatives, we are deluding ourselves to ignoring the real problems of the world.
I’ve been in many different coaching spaces where this approach often bothered me.The answer to the pain of seeing things like a genocide taking place in front of our very eyes was simply to ‘rise above it’. Which is a sophisticated, mental gymnastics way of essentially just ignoring what is happening. It’s all fine if you’re children aren’t starving.
I do believe that there are some enlightened approaches that can be at peace with the hardships and unfairness of the world. Things like the 10 day Vipassana meditation I did earlier in the year felt rather balanced with this philosophical approach.
I’ve come to the perspective that we must not cut ourselves away from the pain. This pain is what tells us that something is amiss. If we do not get angry, we are not driven to make a change.
But we must also not dwell too long in anger, lest it cloud our entire existence. The world does not need another miserable person destroying themselves over a cause that they cannot singlehandedly change.
And so, we must enjoy life. We can honour our feelings by experiencing that anger, sorrow and betrayal. But we can also allow ourselves to move on and live our life.