Photo by Andrew Shelley on Unsplash
It’s like the movies. I’m in one of those cool, funky hostels in the South of Spain. It’s a Saturday night, and I’m chilling in the trendy living space. A mixture of nationalities, interesting stories and diversity. This is the moment where the magic happens.
But when I look up, I see four people in opposite corners of the room. They are all scrolling on their phones. No acknowledgement or pleasantries. Just some Instagram reels, then they eventually wander off to bed.
I haven’t been to a hostel in some time, but apparently this is the descent of hostel culture. What was once an opportunity to meet random travellers now has turned into refuging into solitude from a life of solitude. What happened?
Admittedly, one hostel is a small sample size. But it has the right ‘vibes’. Strong online reviews. In the older part of town. A big sign at the front of the door says ‘come as strangers, leave as friends’. I’m not sure that reflects the reality from within.
When I searched about this phenomenon online, apparently other people had noticed it too. A post-pandemic effect apparently. One post lamented how hard it was to run a hostel now. People expected vibes and entertainment, but then made little effort to actually make that happen. They then complained how the hostel felt quiet and empty.
On the blackboard there was a list of daily activities. On Saturday night, it mentioned a bar crawl and board games. When I asked at the reception if anything was happening, apparently not today. I think hostels have given up somewhat trying to create social activities considering few people turn up.
Although it’s somewhat depressing, I can’t say it’s also that surprising. I came for a random solo trip to Spain for a change of scenery. I’ve felt myself increasingly strained with different social groups in Brussels. I’m tired of being in general social bubbles, but never really engaged or valued. It feels like many groups have turned more cliquey and inwards looking.
That same vibe of ‘what’s in it for me?’ shown in the hostel is also the prevailing value in connection. In a world of ensh*tification of our apps and services, I feel we are also ensh*tifying our sociability and values.
According to the instagram posts, it’s better to leave places where you don’t feel valued. Doesn’t that sound empowering? ‘You go Feleisha – they need you more than need them!’
Although I agree with the premise, the reality is unfortunately not as magical. When you drop one mediocre social group, another one doesn’t magically turn up. Chasing a quick replacement meanwhile will only land you in a worse place than where you started. There’s a time lag between making space in your life and it being valuably filled. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.
A younger me would see this as a call to action. ‘If the social group you want doesn’t exist, then build it yourself!’. Wisdom has demonstrated that this often doesn’t work either. In a lifetime of being the one that seems to make the most effort, putting myself in the role of super-organiser only further compounds the problem. I stopped hosting social gatherings in my house because I would get several people cancelling twenty minutes before the event started.
In a weird way, this hostel experience is actually slightly affirming. It’s not actually me. For a while I felt like perhaps it was because I was too weird, and therefore unable to start social interactions. But actually, it’s just a societal shift. Being warm and friendly is so out of place these days that people greet me with suspicion. It might sound dumb when I spell it out, but it turns out it’s not me, the polylingual, culturally-sensitive, internationally travelled person who is bad at speaking with people.
We’re in a time where our late stage capitalism state is being particularly effective in dividing us. I think I see it particularly starkly from my loosely built set of social connections. My lefty ‘friends’ (in quotation marks, because in reality I can never rely on them if I needed help) may one day realise that building community isn’t just a slogan that you re-share on Instagram. It’s done by actually being curious, responding to messages, speaking to people and building real-life connections.
But until that day comes, we’ll be living our increasingly isolated and lonely lives.