Blog – Page 12 – Tahmid Chowdhury

Returning to the paradox of London

Last night I traveled to London. It’s only the second time I’ve been back since the pandemic.

Before the pandemic I had lived and worked in London for around five years. So I had a mix of excitement, anticipation and trepidation returning.

Excitement to return to a truly great city. The power and energy in this city is immense. Even if I only passed through the centre briefly yesterday, the connectedness of people, logistics and infrastructure is incredible.

Anticipation to see things and return to my home country. To experience what it is like to not be a ‘foreigner’ and have a full understanding of how things worked around me. I anticipated seeing people I have either not seen in a long time, or never met due to COVID.

Trepidation as I expect reverse culture shock. I have since left these shores and developed myself. Yet London and the UK have also developed and changed. I’m no longer a part of the place I grew up. Bizarrely, the fact that everything is in English confuses me.

***

Time away gives a fresh sense of curiosity. I saw an incredible paradox in London which I had never outwardly expressed before.

Firstly, the sense of ‘system’, where you felt like a number of one out of the millions going around you. I looked up to see ads about sleeping pills being the solution to my problems, or a corporate ad dressed up as warm and fuzzy to make me want to change my bank. I felt I had returned to a soulless place, where the rat race slowly pushes people into despair.

At the same time, I saw incredible sense of independence. Here was a frankly awe-inspiring freedom that people displayed around me. People of whatever backgrounds, young or old, living life how they wanted to. I saw a young group of people jumping between tube stops. It included both boys and girls. They dressed in fashionable wear, one or two more of them with something more revealing. They did not care what I thought. They lived life by their own rules.

How can it be that a city which can drive people to misery can also have this irrepressible sense of freedom and opportunity? It can be hard to fully comprehend what I see.

The disturbing thing is that both realities exist at the same time. I’ve lived here. I’ve experienced both.

Perhaps the act of freedom is a rebellion against the ‘system’ I mentioned? This makes for a nice tale, though doesn’t fully make sense to me. The sense of how people lived here comes from one of independence rather than rebellion. Yes, some may want to fight the system, but the people I know who have fulfilling lives in London march to their own drumbeat without caring about the outside noise. They do things for themselves, not in spite of something else.

Another possible explanation is that this sense of freedom is really a delusion. Yes these young people seem free now, but the moment they have responsibilities – jobs, kids, mortgages (more likely rent!). This esprit de joie will be crushed, returning them to their belonged state of being a mindless drone. But again, people are shifting their relationship with work. More people, especially young, are questioning why we need a ‘successful’ job, and looking more holistically about what life means for them.

To me, neither of the two previous explanations make sense. So instead, here is the answer I come to: I believe people make the reality they want. This is true in life, but never is it more visible than in a place like London.

There are those who follow the ambition for achievement. This included me. I wanted to have more, do more, and be better than others. I got lost in the big system of London, where I ended up with few friends or hobbies. I lost sight of my freedom and power.

Some understand that life is to be lived. They find ways to be fulfilled, and do not let the worries about work drag their life down. They balance the needs of the world with enjoying the moment. They take advantage of the museums, or the friendships around them.

So where are you on this scale?

Fortunately, where you are now does not need to define you for the rest of your life. Whilst I lost sight about the beauty of life, I found it once more. I appreciated the great things about living in London – the opportunity, excitement, culture and people. This shifted from the worries – the rent, career, frustrations at work, delays on the tube.

It is possible. And the only thing that needs to change is you.

What side of the London paradox do you sit on?

How do you see the world around you?

We meet two types of people. One believes they can change. The other believes they can’t. Which one is correct?

Both are.

So much of our existence is made up of our thoughts and beliefs. These shape how we see the world around us, and how we ultimately live our lives. Even if we may believe that we are objective, rational human beings, underneath there is a whole layer of how our beliefs shape our existence around us.

For example, if we see the world as a cruel, unfair place of conflict and disaster, the parts we will notice will be all the wars and destruction in the world. in turn, the way we act in the world will be potentially more nihilistic or negative. We are more likely to be governed by fear and mistrust, than adventure or curiosity.

However, if we see the world as a place full of opportunity, happiness and freedom, we will focus upon the the opportunities, and how we can feel fulfilled in life. This gives us license to be more carefree, ambitious and content. We will perhaps try new things more regularly, and be more open to meeting new people.

But which one is correct? Is the world a cruel, unfair place, or is it full of opportunity, happiness and freedom?

That is up to you. Each of us gets to choose how we see the world.

Unfortunately, very few of us actively make this choice. For me, I saw the world as a place of stress and grind. Internalising the difficulty of being ‘successful’, I saw it a constant marathon of tasks – school, university, career, marriage, children, death. I internalised this from my own expectation from my family, as well as the environment I grew up in. I was also told I was acdemically gifted, but far less so in creativity and sports.

I learnt that everything in my world had to be grafted for, and I would have to struggle to meet the expectations placed on me. happiness was a secondary factor, so unsurprisingly I was not happy under the weight of expectation.

This didn’t need to be my destiny. It was possible for me to change my own world view. By revisiting my fundamental beliefs, I started to notice the other parts of life that I had neglected. I learnt to appreciate the beauty of difference, and how interesting different people are across teh world. I also learnt to appreciate the abundance that existed within the world, and how much limitless possibility exists for us as individuals. In turn, I took agency within my own life, and decided to shift my priorities to do more things I enjoy, whilst also changing my mindset towards the day-to-day activities. Compared to my past, I am happier. I am also more ambitious, successful and creative. It meant that writing articles, starting a podcast, or getting into coaching didn’t feel like a big deal. Because for me, it is part of my open curiosity and interest in the world.

How did I change my worldview? I spent time looking at myself. Through my own personal development via reading, coaching and writing I understood how much of what I felt was based upon what I thought the world was. I learnt that the world did not need to be a hyper-competitive race if I didn’t want it to be. I also learnt that there is no such thing as one ‘truth’ about my existence, instead ‘reality’ was a malleable concept that I could shift to live how I wanted to.

One of the most powerful changes people can make is changing the way they see the world. Much of the day-to-day issues that plague us such as confidence, weight issues, happiness and needing success ultimately come down to our belief about the world around us.

For example, someone who feels they are never good enough may have a belief that what makes them valued in the world is being successful. This is usually internalised through strict schooling and parentage, or a strong identification to being ‘academic’ or top in class. Whilst this world view might come externally originally, we often adopt them as our own. These views can remain throughout our adult lives, and can lead to a crisis of confidence for someone who is only ‘average’ in their career, when their world view was formed that average is not good enough.

What this person can do is revisit what they believe. The first place to start is to identify their ‘reality’ of the world , and through exploration understand what formed that experience. Sometimes this needs a period of healing some sort of trauma which has marked their experiences. After this, they can effectively forge the worldview that they actually want, rather than the one they’ve adopted.

This is not easy to do. So is it worth the effort? I believe it most certainly is.

People who are more content have built a worldview where they are in balance with what they want to do. They are not governed by fear or unhappiness. Quite a lot of these people go on to do extraordinary things in the world, like worldwide philanthropy, rising to the top of their profession or simply becoming the best version they can be.

This can be you, if you want it to be.

So I would invite you to reflect on your world view, and how it shapes how you live your life. It will help explain many of the external forces around you that you do not currently understand.

If you have gotten to the end of this article, I would love to hear what you find. Feel free to drop a message below or message me via LinkedIn. I always love hearing from people about their beliefs and values.

How do you see the world around you?

Why we fall into the trap of people pleasing

t’s nice to be liked – We want our family, peers and friends to like us. But what if we are spending so much time on wanting to be liked that we’re not listening to what we truly want?

People pleasing is ingrained in us. From a young age, we want to please our parents, who ultimately decide what we are allowed to do and not allowed to do. They feed, bathe and care for us. At school, we want to be in the ‘good books’ of teachers. As we get a little older, this then gets replaced by wanting to fit in with our peers. All of this is looking to please others.

Our behaviour becomes focused around how we can make other people like us. This is to the detriment of what we believe, or want to do. Nearly everyone has some experience around wanting to make friends at school. The idea of being solitary was labelled as being a ‘loser’, and the idea of sitting alone at the lunch table was filled with inconceivable dread.

So what do we do? We scan the crowd. We see what expectations people have. We do our best to fit in and follow the mould. This is what people pleasing looks like. Our own individuality suffers.

The issue is that we carry this behaviour into our working lives. As employees, we place great importance on being liked, so that we can be seen to be ‘one of the team’. The relationship between employee and boss ends up mimicking that of parent and child, or teacher and student. We do as we are instructed, and our aim is to make the other person happy.

This leads to some odd behavioural phenomena. Instead of saying what we think, we say what we think the other person wants to hear. Even say when we are absolutely miserable because of the amount of work we are being given, we spend most of our time worrying about how if we raised our voice we would cause a fuss for our manager. This means we end up not even speaking up until we hit breaking point. The idea of speaking up moreover creates great social anxiety.

The issue of people pleasing is that it takes away our own agency. We no longer follow what we believe and feel, but instead work based upon our estimation of what others believe and feel. For us as individuals, it’s no wonder why many of us can feel like we are not listened to. It is also an issue where an employee can fall into the trap of focusing more about what will be most comfortable for themselves and their team, rather than what is right for the collective whole. It’s why we see so many companies take easy decisions on complicated subjects.

A common example is managerial feedback. Pretty much every survey says that managers do not give enough feedback to their staff. And when they do, it tends to be flimsy, and not particularly substantiated. Managers do not feel comfortable giving honest, rounded feedback. It’s uncomfortable to sit in front of someone and highlight areas where they can improve. This means that many managers simply avoid doing it. The funny thing about this example is that the manager is actually the one in power. Yet even then, the experience of telling someone something they might not want to hear is one we avoid.

The biggest issue with people pleasing is that it reduces our power as human beings. Since we are no longer following our own internal compass. We start to mistrust what we think, and rely on the opinion of others to guide us. It’s why we ask others for constant advice on life decisions, rather than figuring out what we really want.

We also become less effective – rather than doing what is right, we do what is easy. We stay in a job we hate because we don’t want to really listen to the voice inside of ourselves telling us we are unhappy. After all, it is too much effort and emotional baggage to raise these issues with our work colleagues (and even our spouse!).

But what if we could get away from people pleasing? In other words, truly following what we want to do rather than what would make other people happy. This would be different because we would be truly comfortable in saying what we think, without fear of repercussions of being made an outcast. It would allow us to do all the fun, creative things that we’ve always wanted to try, or take the big leap in what we really wanted to do in life.

Without people pleasing, we can become who we truly want to be.

Now the road towards listening to ourselves is not a quick one. If we’ve spent years ignoring what we truly believe, it will take time and effort to re-find our voice. But if we can break the connection between our insatiable desire to be liked and how we feel as an individual, we can be truly free.

From a state of freedom, we can do whatever we want to in our lives.

How important is it for you to be liked?

Going through a period of brain fog

I’ve been feeling quite bogged down in the last few days. I even had a day sick off work. Part of this has been combating what I’d describe as ‘brain fog’. I’m not doing terribly, but I’m also noticing my brain is not working as quickly as it usually does.

Now, I’m sure we all go through periods of not being fully in control of our brains. For me, I’m finding my mind feeling quite cloudy, and not fully being able to concentrate. The things that we usually find easy feel a lot more burdensome. We can’t seem to activate our brains as quickly as we usually do.

I’m fortunate that I haven’t been hit by COVID, but I know people who have, and the lasting effect of tiredness has been negatively affecting their ability to think. This has a knock-on effect through their work.

I think the particularly scary part of it is the fear of somehow losing our ability. When I’m not as quick at reading a report, I feel like I’ve somehow lost my skill, and so my worth has decreased. I worry that a part of me is gone because I’m not quite as good at doing the

things as I used to be.

Now, this is usually just a panicked reaction. Particularly when for me it’s been a case of needing some rest. For me, after some time I feel back in control. And ironically, the point at which I am not worrying about losing my ability is the point where I don’t seem to have a problem. I’m growing in the belief that it’s as much worrying about losing my ability that is the issue than any fatigue. The stress and anxiety is actually the issue.

I’m aware that some people have been sick for quite some time. It feels demoralising to no longer do the activities that they used to be able to do. Long COVID has hit people who no longer can be active as per their past life. My hope is that these symptoms will go away over time, and people can return to their own state. But even if not, we’re not defined by how quickly we can read an article or answer a question in a meeting. Periods of illness give us time to reflect on what is really important in life.

So whenever you are next ill, or not feeling as sharp as you usually are, remember that this is probably a passing phase. And even if it’s something that is longer lasting (or even chronic), this is not the end of you. The fact we are alive and healthy is a gift. Particularly so in these difficult times of a pandemic and war.

Have you experienced brain fog?

Finding peace in a time of war

This blog is around personal development and looking at the beauty of diversity. I’m glad that many people read this; it shows we are fortunate to have moments to reflect on how we can improve ourselves and make things better around us.

Unfortunately, these are not things all of us are able to do. The invasion of Ukraine will affect thousands of innocent people. These are human beings, living their lives just like you and I do. They have little say in the geopolitical battles taking place around them. And yet they will be the ones that suffer the most. It is hard not to feel desolate around the fact war can happen in the blink of an eye, when it will bring much suffering.

Where does that leave those of us who are not directly affected? Well, I think it’s legitimate to feel troubled by the news. It is acceptable to feel sadness, anger or any other emotion. We are human beings, and our experience is shaped by emotions. However, with such a large event outside of our control, what can follow is a sense of helplessness – we are not the direct contributors to the powerplays of west vs east, and it is hard to find direct actions which will change the situation.

Is the answer to simply say we cannot do anything? Perhaps we ought not to concern ourselves with the issues of others that do not affect our lives. Indeed, I believe this is the answer for many things. There are many thoughts and worries which make us unhappy. These things can be let go of, and we can live happier and healthier. However, when searching my own feelings, such a solution feels wrong here. A crisis is happening, and by ignoring it we only legitimise the actions of aggression.

Attention is a form of currency, and if we pay little attention to what is happening, we make the struggles of others invisible. Furthermore, we all have roles to play to see our own leaders take action to stop an injustice. If people do not speak about the invasion of Ukraine, few will know it is even happening. Politicians will move on, and articles will be relegated to the back pages. The concern for the suffering of others will be pushed down in our subconscious.

With these raging emotions, how do we find peace? I cannot promise you an easy answer. In fact, an emotional reaction is proof that we really are human. Nonetheless, I find comfort in reframing how I view the world and the life I live.

Many things are outside of our control – indeed it could be us who is caught up in a war a week from now. However, there are many things we can control. This includes how we feel, think and react to the situations we face in life.

Do we push away negativity, or do we accept it as part of the human experience? Do we focus on the fear of the fragility of life, or do we celebrate that we are alive, whole and healthy today?

After all, in life, bad things happen. They make us upset, and it is right that we mourn them. But there is also an opportunity for us to reassess what it means to live. Only then can we appreciate the gift that life gives us.

The choice is yours.

Bringing Diversity and Inclusion into Coaching Practices

Coaches want to help others. So it’s no wonder that there is growing interest in diversity and inclusion.

It’s important to state that coaches are not infallible to the same issues many other sectors face. Namely a denial that any issue exists, a lack of taking responsibility of the issues faced or a general reluctance to act. Fortunately, greater understanding is being built (albeit slowly).

If you’re a coach, you may be feeling overwhelmed with the subject. After all, how can a mere individual do much in the face of large systemic issues? Here are some practical ideas which will help.

what is diversity and inclusion?

Let’s start with some definitions. Diversity is about difference. In this context, it is about understanding that people come from all walks of life, and will have different experiences, physical characteristics and upbringings (to name a few). Diversity is about recognising that people are shaped by a number of different characteristics, for example, gender, class, race, sexuality, disability and many others. In the UK, there is a legal obligation against discrimination for those covered as a ‘protected characteristic‘ under the Equality Act.

Inclusion is about actively bringing people into the conversation. It is not enough just to have people who look and sound different, but it is also important to allow them to have their voices heard. Inclusion is by no means a given, and without inclusion, diversity is actually disruptive rather than a benefit.

What are the issues of diversity within the Coaching industry?

A recent report conducted by Charmaine Roche and Jonathon Passmore highlights that like many other industries, coaching suffers issues of systemic racism. Although this report hones in on race, many of the conclusions I believe will be representative of issues typically faced from other protected characteristics (though with notable differences depending on the group).

Issues highlighted include suffering ‘race-based trauma’, including the idea that we are not able to talk about race, meaning many people feel silenced over a key part of their identity. This is particularly important where issues of race are active barriers to success – for example when looking for corporate coaching, black women have difficulty accessing the marketplace. There is also a gross underrepresentation of ethnic minority coaches in the public space, with many known coaches white, male.

There is no doubt more to be uncovered of where the industry needs to be improved, though the research is ongoing.

What are the challenges for coaches?

The coaches I know are conscientious individuals who are trying to make the world a better place. They are also juggling the difficulties of making a viable coaching practice through a sustainable business model.

To add diversity and inclusion into the mix can feel overwhelming. After all, it is a large, systemic issue which can feel difficult to change. Furthermore, many coaches face the same issues people in society feel around this subject. In many western countries, we feel uncomfortable asking about people’s background, or even broaching topics such as race, disabilities or sexuality. Coaches therefore have a space for learning in becoming more comfortable in dealing with these topics, whilst also learning more about them along the way.

What are the solutions?

I would like to highlight a number of different ways coaches can address diversity and inclusion. Different coaches are at different stages of their career, as such advice varies depending on what stage each coach is at.

For those that have established coaching practices, they can follow many of the points I mention in an article I wrote for small businesses on diversity and inclusion.

Small steps include looking at how your marketing is currently being used. Are you inadvertently using exclusionary language, and could this be replaced by gender neutral language? Solutions include looking at different ways to advertise, for example in local ethnic-group newspapers, or through different social media platforms to deliberately find different audiences.

You can also look at building additional programmes and/or subsidised rates for those from disadvantaged backgrounds. This can help address the gap between those who have the means to pay for coaching, and those who do not. Naturally care will need to be made on how this is presented to avoid a sense of tokenism, however well-run schemes can work well to bring more diverse groups into existing programmes.

If you wanted to take a further step, you could also look at creating a new programme particularly focused around supporting under-represented groups. This can avoid the discomfort minorities can feel when being the ‘only one in the room’. Care needs to be taken here though that a different approach is taken. Some schemes which are created with noble intentions can end up tone deaf due to the lack of knowledge from the trainer. From my experience, I have gone to training led by white women that had little understanding about the issues that people of colour had faced, despite being to a group of ethnic minorities. This led to a real sense of frustration as the information given was not really addressing the real issues.

I believe there is also an opportunity for a wider re-think of how we want to work as coaches. Niching is a hotly debated topic. From a diversity perspective, niching is actively targeting one group over another. I know this works for many coaches, so I do not want to suggest that niching is an inherently bad thing. I also think that niching is a more targeted way towards fast-tracking a successful business.

Nonetheless, I believe that there is a more holistic way to present ourselves as a coach which embraces a diversity-friendly approach. The term ‘psychographics’ talks about marketing based upon traits that are more metaphysical. For example, these relate to people’s beliefs, opinions, interests and values, rather than their particular physical characteristics or demographics.

Many larger organisations hold wider values which bring a diverse organisation together. Whilst often supplemented by diversity-positive statements, this means that it does not focus about people’s individual characteristics, rather it looks at how people can be brought together based upon what they believe.

I believe that coaching practices can embrace this idea by moving away from specific niching, and instead bringing people based upon their personal values. This will open up a much richer space of people being attracted.

What do you think? Are there other ways coaches can approach the topic of diversity and inclusion?

How to overcome our human limits – the answer is not ‘do more’.

The respite of December has come and gone. February has rolled in. The sluggish start to the New Year has officially ended.

Time for business. work. meetings. Important Stuff.

I was fortunate to have a few weeks break in December. Unfortunately that feeling didn’t last particularly long. I’ve noticed recently that my work week no longer has the basic ebbs and flows it once did. Before, Fridays were quieter, and Mondays were about preparing the week. January was quiet, as was August. Now it’s all guns blazing throughout the year. With physical location no longer being a requirement, the pace of work has increased.

They say people once believed we would work only a few hours a day with the exponential growth of computing power. In fact, the opposite is true – humans are the weak link in the juggernaut of faster, better connected technology.

Now, I believe we can get better at what we do. I compare myself to only a few years ago, and my ability to process information and work efficiently has grown greatly. Yet for all the different project management skills, mental shortcuts or changes I’ve made, at some point we hit a limit where the human mind simply cannot do more.

Our brain has a finite amount of attention. We can try and cram more in, and perhaps we might succeed to some extent. But there is far too much information to cram, and at some point overwhelm hits. For me, I used to get as much done as I could in a working day. Some bizarre badge of pride. Look how great I am, because I managed to cram lots of meetings and reports written in a day. It was no wonder I went home each evening totally drained.

I am convinced that people who constantly go beyond their limits are miserable. Despite the amount they are doing, they feel guilty of not being able to do more. It doesn’t help them mentally that their focus is not on what they’ve achieved, rather it is on all the things that were not able to accomplish. They then spend their time focusing on how to find new ways to do more. When in reality they should be asking why they are doing these tasks in the first place.

Often we think that the human limit is time. After all, we only have 24 hours of the day. Time is a measured limit, and a universal concept too. Everyone knows time. We’re even programmed to use it as a reason too – ‘Oh I’d love to, but I just don’t have the time!’. Yet for most people, time isn’t really the issue. If time was really the only thing stopping me from writing a book (which I aimed to do!), I would not have wracked a couple of hundred hours between watching Youtube videos and my Playstation over the last year.

Instead, I think it is more helpful to look at this as how much energy we have. Imagine a well. It starts the day full. As we complete the tasks we have to do, the well slowly depletes. Our energy levels drop, until it is empty. Once this happens, little further activity can happen until it replenishes.

I like this metaphor because it can help us factor in different things. For example, if we have slept badly, our well has not fully replenished. Likewise, if we are doing lots of tasks we really hate, the well will deplete extremely rapidly. Most importantly though, there are tasks that actually give you energy. I’m not just talking about things like taking a nap or resting. Doing the activity we love can actually give us more energy than when we started. It’s for this reason we can hit ‘flow’ state, where we just keep on working on the task whilst the hours fly by.

So revisit your time. Look at what tasks are draining you. Do less of them. Find more tasks that give you energy. Focus on doing the things you enjoy. If you get it right, you’ll end up feeling limitless.

What activity can you do without limit?

Small deeds maketh the man

Yesterday, an opportunity presented itself. I was buying lunch. I saw one rice bowl with a wrong sticker printed on it, meaning it was accidentally marked one third of the price.

This was in a supermarket. So I knew I could go to the self-scan. Nobody would have noticed.

I definitely flirted with the idea, I even thought that I could have also bought something else as a treat from my ‘savings’.

Would this have been morally wrong? Well technically it was someone else’s mistake. This was not outright stealing, which I think we could definitely label immoral. But it wouldn’t exactly be something I would wear with pride either.

I then thought about my own situation. I’m not some starving student like I was in the past. I knew I could afford to pay for this. I did not desperately need to save money either. There was no moral reasoning that could justify me doing it other than for my own convenience.

Most importantly though, I thought about what it would say about my own beliefs. Now I try and be a morally upstanding guy. I write these articles talking about personal development, and look to make myself a better person. If I don’t do what I talk about, I am just another hypocrite after all.

What would it say about me if I ignored my values for the sake of saving six euros?

It was this last point that was particularly powerful. The idea that I was not following my own personal values hit. Instead, I tried to do the right thing by mentioning this error to a member of staff so that they could correct it. Leaving me instead feeling like I had done a ‘good’ deed rather than a bad one.

I do not share this in some sort of attempt of moral smugness. I’d like to think I did something good. Yet I’m sure there are many times where I have not. For example, I endeavour to give change to homeless people, but I often don’t. I am no saint, just a human dealing with ethical decisions in my everyday life.

Instead, I share this as an example of the everyday small actions we make. Individually they are small, but accumulatively these actions shape us as people. Most importantly, it highlights how in congruence we are with our own personal values and beliefs.

I am a strong believer in having one single identity. By that, I mean avoiding this idea that we can somehow split ourselves into a personality at work and personality at home. The idea that we can be an intense, difficult person in the workplace then go home to be a loving spouse doesn’t really work in practice. Yet I have seen people use this to excuse their behaviour.

The greatest thing I’ve learnt to do is build a clearer, single identity. If I want to be a ‘good’ person, it cannot simply be good when I am working, or when I am at home. It needs to be throughout my life. Otherwise I am simply picking and choosing when I want to follow my own belief system, which rather defeats the purpose of one in the first place! This is the reason we often see such a difference when people describe their values as one thing, then act completely different.

There is good news. Although these small deeds may be the thing that tests us, they are also the solution. For example, If you want to be someone who is more giving, you can simply start donating to charity regularly. If you want to be more sociable, spend an extra five minutes saying hello to people in the mornings. If you want to be better at listening, try speaking a bit less in your next conversation.

With any habit, small actions are the best way for us to make change. So if we are brushing off these opportunities as small things, we are missing out on a massive change to improve ourselves. I cannot say whether I am truly a good person or not. What I can say is that I am a better person for doing the right thing in that situation than if I had not.

What positive small deed have you done recently?

Maintaining healthy relationships as an adult

Since the new year, I’ve been reflecting on my relationships with others. I have a habit of losing touch with people I know. I then feel like I don’t actually have friends. Does this sound familiar?

The pandemic has broken a lot of our social norms. People we used to meet on a day-to-day basis are no longer conveniently in front of us. At first we tried regularly video calls, but these seemingly fell away after a while (at least they did for me, anyway). We’re now finding it harder to build back social lives outside of those who we have been in lockdown with. If you’re like me, you may have forgotten that there’s a world out there!

That said, this is an issue which affected me pre-pandemic. Working in a large city, my routine would usually be waking up groggy, dragging myself to work, going through a rollercoaster day, then going home sapped of energy. Any chance of meaningful engagement with friends or family was lost as I was too tired to commit to anything.

Like many people, my younger years tended to be my more social. Whilst in university it was far easier to meet like-minded people. However, going into adulthood put me in the mix of the big wide world of people with different priorities, as well as tasking me with adult responsibilities. It’s no wonder that I struggled. In the past, it was easy just to make friends without trying. In the adult world, you have to put much more effort in.

Energy is important. When I did actually get around to seeing friends, perhaps after work, it would usually be talking about work, moaning about the things on my mind and noting how I’m tired or stressed. The other person would also reciprocate for a while, after which we would pack our bags and go home. Hardly a meaningful conversation(!).

In the days of being subsumed by work, everything else tends to suffer. It is hard to be present with others when all we are doing is reliving work related issues in our head.

I used to go through a cycle of feeling very antisocial, prompting me to suddenly reach out to people. This was obviously quite sporadic, and in hindsight was not surprising that I found awkward; re-connecting with people takes more effort the longer you haven’t spoken. So if you want to have good, long-lasting relationships, you cannot disappear off the face of the earth for six months – something I’m certainly guilty of!

Self-narrative plays a huge part. I see-saw from believing I am an antisocial person, to someone who is extremely interested in people. Often this can change within the space of a day. I actually recently explored this subject with my coach. I have built up this narrative that I was unable to speak with people because I was poor at making friendships. I built this based upon the fact that I did not have many friends when I was at school. Things such as people mentioning ‘best friends’ or talking about all their ‘friends’ tended to leave me uncomfortable. I don’t easily define my relationships in such a way.

The bit that I forgot was that I can also be extremely sociable. When I was at university I got to know lots of people, a mix from my course, social activities and bumping into them in our little accommodation village. It turns out I did like spending time with others, certainly so when I had the time and energy for it. I was also quite good at having meaningful conversations too. My tendency was to get to know lots of different people, and find interest in that difference.

For me, I’ve learnt that the line between ‘best friend’, ‘friend’ or even ‘acquaintance’ can be blurred. The best thing I did was to stop worrying about how I labelled my relationships, as the moment I put someone in the box of ‘friends’ I thought there was some particular set of actions I had to follow. In reality, relationships can be whatever they need to be, and that is liberating.

For a truly meaningful relationship with anyone, whether that be friend, client, customer or even foe, there is a surprising commonality. Bringing your full attention to that person and without a pre-conceived agenda makes for a greater, more honest relationship. None of us like to be rung by that ‘mate’ who always needs something from you. So don’t be that person when with others.

This is an area that I’m working on myself. I endeavour to build better relationships with the people around me. So if I reach out to you, know that I am coming with an attempt to build better relationships rather than needing anything from you in particular!

As an adult, how have you found maintaining relationships with others?

How’s that New Years Resolution going? I failed mine already

I’m extremely disappointed in myself. Despite all my hard work, I managed to fail my New Years Resolution.

I did all the hard yards, planning and preparation. Yet four days in, my ambitions for 2022 are in tatters.

Perhaps I’m being hard on myself. After all, my New Years Resolution was to win the lottery and all I did was buy a ticket at the Post Office (well, I also did check if I won). At least I can say I completed those action correctly. Perhaps I can try again next year.

If you couldn’t tell, I write this tongue-in-cheek. If you’ve seen me speaking about it recently, I am not a fan of New Years Resolutions. Whilst I think having a moment to reflect on the year gone by is helpful as we come up to end of December, it’s also quite arbitrary. Let’s not forget that we’re being prompted by a date on the calendar.

It strikes me as even weirder that we use this calendar-prompt as a reason to decide what we are going to do for the next year. After all, I don’t know what I’m going to be doing in a week, let alone in six months. I would guess we do this as a mix of societal pressure and weird personal aspiration. Yet I think we all know that neither of these are particularly conducive to successful personal change. It’s no wonder why most people fail with their New Years Resolution (or if you’re like me, forget I even made one). This then leaves people feeling guilty and actually less likely to commit to change.

I am a big believer in personal development. People can change. People can make themselves better. Yet to do so takes a lot of work. Having motivation, making a plan and working with a coach makes it more likely. Inspiration for change also come at any point. I suddenly decided to start my podcast in December, since I was feeling motivated. So I went ahead and did it.

So what if you do genuinely want to change? Here are some thoughts to prompt you:

Find a sustainable motivation for wanting it – if your goal is to lose weight, is there something more profound than simply ‘because you probably should’? How about wanting to feel healthier and reconnect with hobbies you’ve lost touch with.
Make it achievable – in the height of new years eve drama, we can all be guilty of building monumental expectations of what we want to do over the next 365 days. Yet we greatly underestimate how long things take. Jeff Bezos would use the example that people think it would take two weeks to learn how to do a good handstand. In reality it takes around six months of daily practice.
Create a plan – Planning will help give an idea of how you want to reach your goal. They don’t have to be overly detailed – after all, plans go awry and life happens. This will at least give you an idea of how to start, and you can always adapt it later. If you find you’ve misjudged your plan, you can learn from that experience and be better at planning for the next time.
Start when you’re ready; stop when you need to – Change is an emotionally tiring, yet rewarding process. It’s important to be mentally prepared, and start when you are actually ready. So start when you say so, rather than when someone else tells you. Likewise, life can get in the way, so it’s okay to slow down if you need to. Although a goal can be a good prompt for change, you may need to readjust depending on the circumstances.
Find external support – It’s hard to do things alone. So find ways you can get support for the changes you want to make. Whether that be from family and friends, or finding a supportive group. I worked with a coach throughout the biggest changes in my life, which enabled me to work through the mental barriers. These included feeling fear, confusion and lack of direction. This experience prompted me to help others with their changes by becoming a coach.

Are there any changes you would like to make? I’d love to hear about them in the comments!