Since the new year, I’ve been reflecting on my relationships with others. I have a habit of losing touch with people I know. I then feel like I don’t actually have friends. Does this sound familiar?
The pandemic has broken a lot of our social norms. People we used to meet on a day-to-day basis are no longer conveniently in front of us. At first we tried regularly video calls, but these seemingly fell away after a while (at least they did for me, anyway). We’re now finding it harder to build back social lives outside of those who we have been in lockdown with. If you’re like me, you may have forgotten that there’s a world out there!
That said, this is an issue which affected me pre-pandemic. Working in a large city, my routine would usually be waking up groggy, dragging myself to work, going through a rollercoaster day, then going home sapped of energy. Any chance of meaningful engagement with friends or family was lost as I was too tired to commit to anything.
Like many people, my younger years tended to be my more social. Whilst in university it was far easier to meet like-minded people. However, going into adulthood put me in the mix of the big wide world of people with different priorities, as well as tasking me with adult responsibilities. It’s no wonder that I struggled. In the past, it was easy just to make friends without trying. In the adult world, you have to put much more effort in.
Energy is important. When I did actually get around to seeing friends, perhaps after work, it would usually be talking about work, moaning about the things on my mind and noting how I’m tired or stressed. The other person would also reciprocate for a while, after which we would pack our bags and go home. Hardly a meaningful conversation(!).
In the days of being subsumed by work, everything else tends to suffer. It is hard to be present with others when all we are doing is reliving work related issues in our head.
I used to go through a cycle of feeling very antisocial, prompting me to suddenly reach out to people. This was obviously quite sporadic, and in hindsight was not surprising that I found awkward; re-connecting with people takes more effort the longer you haven’t spoken. So if you want to have good, long-lasting relationships, you cannot disappear off the face of the earth for six months – something I’m certainly guilty of!
Self-narrative plays a huge part. I see-saw from believing I am an antisocial person, to someone who is extremely interested in people. Often this can change within the space of a day. I actually recently explored this subject with my coach. I have built up this narrative that I was unable to speak with people because I was poor at making friendships. I built this based upon the fact that I did not have many friends when I was at school. Things such as people mentioning ‘best friends’ or talking about all their ‘friends’ tended to leave me uncomfortable. I don’t easily define my relationships in such a way.
The bit that I forgot was that I can also be extremely sociable. When I was at university I got to know lots of people, a mix from my course, social activities and bumping into them in our little accommodation village. It turns out I did like spending time with others, certainly so when I had the time and energy for it. I was also quite good at having meaningful conversations too. My tendency was to get to know lots of different people, and find interest in that difference.
For me, I’ve learnt that the line between ‘best friend’, ‘friend’ or even ‘acquaintance’ can be blurred. The best thing I did was to stop worrying about how I labelled my relationships, as the moment I put someone in the box of ‘friends’ I thought there was some particular set of actions I had to follow. In reality, relationships can be whatever they need to be, and that is liberating.
For a truly meaningful relationship with anyone, whether that be friend, client, customer or even foe, there is a surprising commonality. Bringing your full attention to that person and without a pre-conceived agenda makes for a greater, more honest relationship. None of us like to be rung by that ‘mate’ who always needs something from you. So don’t be that person when with others.
This is an area that I’m working on myself. I endeavour to build better relationships with the people around me. So if I reach out to you, know that I am coming with an attempt to build better relationships rather than needing anything from you in particular!
As an adult, how have you found maintaining relationships with others?