Are you awake or asleep at the wheel?

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Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

Are you living life or is life living you?

I spent some time in London last week. It was interesting experiencing it as something close to normal for the first time since the pandemic had started.

But seeing London ‘normal’ was strange. I come back a changed person to the one that used to live here. When I was here, I followed the rhythm that I thought people were supposed to do – going to work and chasing more money to pay for a nicer room (due to the exorbitant rent prices), without even noticing the negative impact my obsession on my work life had on happiness or health. I’d come home shattered after spending so much time and energy on things that now I can’t even remember.

In the last two years we’ve had a global pandemic and a war. Yet the everyday grind has returned with a vengeance. Perhaps it never left us, or perhaps it actually got worse when we were all locked up in our houses. But now it is back for all to see.

I found it quite shocking to see the things that were always there, but that I had previously chose to ignore – people commuting long distances to a job they didn’t actually like to spend time with colleagues they didn’t really know to live a life they didn’t want to live.

These people weren’t doing terribly. They were just quietly miserable, unaware that the way they were living their life was causing them unhappiness. Life was packing into a tube like sardines for the morning, squeezing out energy like a lemon during worktime and crashing into an evening of scrolling on a phone and background TV.

These people knew something needed to change. However, the solution was usually to find a new job, or take a holiday to somewhere exotic-sounding. Sometimes it worked, at least for a while. Unfortunately that doesn’t prevent the feeling of unhappiness from returning.

I found it quite tricky to connect back with people when I was in town. Some suggested to meet up without really meaning it. Some were too busy. Some wanted to meet but were too tired. Some have gone off the grid never to be seen again. I’m not judging, only observing. After all, I was also like this. It does make life feel very complicated though.

That’s not to say everyone is miserable in London. Some people are happy. Some people build a life in which they can do the things they want. Some even appreciate the amazing things that London has to offer – the museums, culture, diversity to name but a few. They even do these things outside of when they tag along with friends who are visiting.

I can’t really know for sure what the difference was between the people who were living their lives in misery compared to those who seemed happy, present and in control. But if I had a guess I would say it was those seemed awake. They are awake to the fact that life is not all about achieving success, making others happy or just following the way everyone else seemed to be living. Rather than seeing happiness as either a byproduct of achievement or an inconvenient afterthought, they saw it as something that is kindled like a sacred candle. They give it time, effort and devotion. Even when external pressures come, they keep perspective on what is actually important.

The paradox of London is that it’s both one of the most liberating, freeing places and one of the most oppressive, scary places at the same time. Having lived in South London before and now staying in the leafy suburbs, perhaps that’s to do with what bit of the city you live. Or maybe it’s about what you choose to see, no matter wherever you live.

London is just one city out of a whole wide world. What makes it striking is that this contrast of misery and happiness is so visible on a day to day basis. However, this phenomenon happens everywhere. Misery and Happiness often sit next to each other on a bus.

Fortunately, if we’re miserable, we can choose to change. We can be happy. We can wake up. Though only if we want to.

This shift doesn’t happen automatically. It happens to those willing to reevaluate. It’s about asking the fundamental questions like – ‘what makes me happy?’ and be willing to muddle through even if we don’t know the answer. That was certainly the case for me.

Perhaps you’re already happy. In which case I am delighted for you. May you continue your life and be content with it, whatever path it may take.

But perhaps you’re not happy. Perhaps you want something different but have never really thought about it.

Perhaps this is the wake up call that you’ve been waiting for.

A Day in the life of Overthinking Man

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Overthinking Man goes about his day. He wakes up, and his first thoughts are about work. He first thinks about all the different meetings he has in the day. He thinks about all the deadlines he has to meet, and the terrible consequences if he does not meet them. He then thinks about how it’s also his turn to take out the bin. Overthinking Man sighs.

Once Overthinking Man has finished thinking about all the things that will make his day miserable, he treats himself to getting out of bed. Preoccupied by his thoughts, he jumps into the shower but puts shampoo on his body and shower gel in his hair, cuts himself whilst shaving and pours coffee into his cereal.

Overthinking Man cries in anguish. Why is everything out to get him today, what had he done to deserve it? Overthinking Man realises he is late and rushes for his train. Overthinking Man rushes past, neither noticing the free giveaways being handed out in the street nor the homeless beggar that he has passed every day for the last 3 years.

On arriving to work, overthinking man is greeted by a flood of emails about a lack of plastic cups for a client event taking place in 3 weeks time. Panic ensues. Overthinking Man must go for a meeting with his boss, where surely he will be picked up on this oversight.

Overthinking Man ends up attending the meeting three times – first by going through all the different things that might come up in his head beforehand; second by attending the meeting itself where he forgot about all the things he had thought about before; then a final third time after the meeting is over where he spends the rest of his day being annoyed at an off-the-cuff remark from his boss about the need for more A4 folders in the office.

This comment greatly annoys Overthinking Man. He has spent years complaining about the lack of places to leave his pieces of paper, yet no one paid him any attention. Overthinking Man spends the rest of his day telling all his co-worker at how he’s annoyed by this comment. In return they reciprocate with all their complaints from the last year.

Overthinking Man’s colleague, Underpaid Receptionist always wins this game, as her gripes hark back to things she mentioned in 1986 but still were never addressed.

After a long hard day in which Overthinking Man has spent 80% of his time thinking about something he either needs to do or something that has annoyed him, it is time for Overthinking Man to go home. Nonetheless, Overthinking Man stays an extra 30 minutes to get a few final emails done, even though they could have waited until the morning. This has the added bonus that on the way home Overthinking Man can think about how underappreciated he is despite all the hard work he does.

When Overthinking Man gets home, he sighs in relief. He no longer needs to be Overthinking Man, and can finally enjoy life as he wants to. Except that he finds he has no energy to do anything else, so ends up sitting and thinking anyway. Lacking any willpower, Overthinking Man finds he does not want to cook. Instead, he decides to order a takeaway. Unfortunately he cannot decide what he wants, so ends up scrolling on his phone for 30 minutes. Once he finally chooses, he then finds himself stuck in thinking about what he should watch, which takes another 30 minutes.

Finally, when all pleasures of the evening are done, Overthinking Man can spend the last few hours lying in bed thinking about all the things that annoyed him during the day. He lays awake for another hour or two. Just as he is about to fall asleep, he remembers that he forgot to take the bins out.

—

Many of us fall into the trap of Overthinking Man – we spend so much time thinking about an action we must take, or about things that might take place in the future. We leave ourselves no time to enjoy the here and now. We are less present, energetic and happy. However, if we can change the relationship we have with thoughts – that they do not need to be something that govern our lives – we can slow down, and start seeing the beauty in life.

How much do you relate to Overthinking Man?

Life as a divine dream beyond time, space and matter

How much of our reality is based upon our thoughts?

This week I’ve spent time on a retreat in a lovely farm in Kent. I’ve enjoyed getting away from the hustle-and-bustle of my daily routines. This has given me some space to focus on routines and wellbeing.

I’ve been with a group of 10 other coaches for the last four days, all of whom are doing incredible things. It’s been a awesome space to explore the different experiences and challenges that each person has had, whilst also looking at how we can grow as individuals. For me, I’ve learnt a lot from the wide variety of backgrounds people, their different perspectives and some in-depth discussions on how we frame our lives.

We spoke about a fellow called Sydney Banks, a man who had a spontaneous enlightenment. In his own words, ‘life is a divine dream suspended beyond time, space and matter.’ He framed these beliefs into what is referred to as the ‘three principles’ – mind, consciousness and thought. Thought allows us to experience our life. Consciousness is the awareness of our own being and life. Mind is the connection of a wider intelligence and source of all life.

These concepts are perhaps not the easiest to understand. Nonetheless, one of the key messages I take is that thought is the lens in which we see our lives. What I see isn’t necessarily reality, but it is how I see reality. In other words, the experience of life is less about what is happening around me, and more about how I interpret these situations in my head, which in turn fuels how I feel about them.

Let’s say I have a report due next week, and for argument’s sake, let’s also say this report is an unchangeable fact that I must complete. If we follow our emotions around this, we may be feeling worry, dread or some form of anxiety – what will our boss think of our work? How am I going to find the time to do it? Is what I’m writing any good? It’s easy to fall into a pattern of thinking where we feel that our thoughts are the fault of our report (or our boss!), so we take the report as the source of our worries.

However, if we separate the concept of this report governing how I feel, it becomes a lot easier to question the reality I am creating. So, if I can accept that my thoughts about the report are what are really causing the anxiety rather than the report itself, I can understand that I can change the way I can feel about the situation, rather than needing to change the situation itself. In practical terms, this means that rather than delaying, delegating or dithering with the report because I feel queasy about it, I can accept – and ultimately let pass – the emotions I feel around it. Once these have passed, I can just get on and do it without all the noise in my head.

This realisation is extremely profound. I have no doubt you reading this has some sort of issue or frustration in your life. Often, the typical answer we arrive to is that we need to change the problem source. If we are unhappy with our relationship, the answer is to find a new partner. If we are unhappy with our job, the answer is to find a new one at a different company. If we are unhappy with our lives, the answer is to go travelling.

These solutions might help, but they aren’t always practical, nor do they actually always solve the problem. For example, a new partner is not going to solve our issues of commitment. Looking for a new solution instead creates a tendency of chasing new answers from the outside world, rather than looking at ourselves.

So instead, if we can change how we are feeling about a situation, the problem in front of us melts away. The report, relationship or job is no longer the problem, as we no longer are paralysed by the emotions that we feel from these things.

You may be thinking that this is some sort of privileged thinking for those who have the life luxuries to worry about banal things like careers. What about genuine trauma, abuse or poverty within the world?

Framing things through these three principles can have profound impacts on people even with the most traumatic issues. It’s a different take in psychology which is saying that rather than trying to ‘fix’ the problem within you, you can change your relationship to thought, which means negative feelings do not need to govern your life.

Thoughts and feelings – positive or negative – can float through like a leaf blowing in the wind. We do not need to hold on to them. From this, we can have a feeling of liberation, where we can enjoy life as we want.

I would love to invite you to reflect on a situation where you have been feeling upset, angry or any other negative emotion. In this instance, would you be open to the idea that your reaction to the situation is causing you additional unhappiness?

If so, you may want to look at how you can change your relationship to thought. By this I mean being willing to question things like things you must do, or things that are impossible, or other words that constrain us. Reframing how we see the world doesn’t necessarily happen overnight, so it will take time. But if you can embrace the idea that your thoughts do not govern your life, the positive impact it would have on you would be incredible.

I would love to hear what you got from this article. If you’d like to speak more about these ideas, drop me a message or email, I’d love to speak.

Travel fatigue and the concept of Hygge

This week I travelled to Copenhagen, the first bit of business travel I’ve done in a number of years.

I didn’t feel particularly energised about travelling. The news of potential queues at airports, fatigue from moving house and lethargy of how to travel (i.e. remembering what to pack and how long to come back to the airport) as well as going to a conference full of new people which still feels weird left me feeling underwhelmed. I also have quite an intense trip coming up next week where I’ll be around the UK for two weeks in several different cities, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t feel tired before I started that.

There were two big obvious ironies here. The first one is that I’ve done plenty of learning around self-development. I have come to the conclusion that we can make our own realities based upon whether we decide the situation will be good or not before it even happens. Yet, I was making a trip to Copenhagen feel tiring due to my general negative thinking around it. So I needed to think about more about the positives – that I’m getting a free trip to a very cool city, get to meet new people and experiencing a new culture.

The second irony is that my trip to the UK next week is packed with seeing friends and family. I will have more social interaction with them in two weeks than I would have otherwise done in about 6 months when I lived in London. Sometimes we need a reason to make things happen – and my time-limited travel was just that prompt. The idea of being ‘tired’ no longer is quite the same barrier when I am decisive about making the most of my time.

In the midst of this internal battling I came across the Danish concept of Hygge. Hygge roughly translates to ‘cosiness’, but is further than that – the appreciation of a fireplace burning curled up in a blanket with a hot drink whilst a storm is going outside.

A lot about Hygge is about building enjoyable social interactions with others – usually a small group – where you enjoy each others company without necessarily needing too many outside stimuli. An egalitarian space of sharing a Pot Luck dinner, playing board games, and getting wrapped up in comfy blankets with lots of candles on can make for a far more pleasant evening than a TV blaring at me all evening.

This made me reflect on the intentionality in my actions. I’ve found myself recently feeling like I’m being dictated to by my schedules, rather than being in control of my own life. I slouch in front of the sofa because I’m tired after work, rather than being in control of what I am doing because I want to. I find it hard to rest because my mind is too active, rather than being in control of my own thoughts and feelings which would allow me to be active when I need to, and rest when I don’t.

So I’ve committed to re-evaluate my daily routine and how I am showing up in the world. I can decide what I do without succumbing to my temporal emotions such as being too tired to socialise, or too ‘awake’ to fall asleep.

By doing so, I can do far more of the things I want to do, meaning I can feel fulfilled. And after all, isn’t that what life is ultimately about?

How do you act when nobody is watching?

Photo by Kevin Lee on Unsplash

Yesterday was a bank holiday in Belgium so I flicked on a show on Netflix called ‘Insiders’ – a reality TV show which brings together contestants who think they are in the final round of a casting call for a show. What they don’t know is that the camera is already rolling and they are actually already on the show.

Honestly, the show is problematic in many ways. Nonetheless, it prompted me to think about how differently people behave when they think no one is looking. What is fascinating is that as individuals the people on the show build narratives about their personalities – invincible, brave, caring, loving – and yet when the cameras are ‘off’ (or in this case still on) the behaviour that comes out is completely different.

Now we can sit at home and point at such contestants and judge. After all, it also makes us feel better that other people are flawed human beings. In reality, many of us would fall foul to the exact same behaviour as the people on this show.

The reason we behave differently when no one is watching is because we are no longer behaving to impress or please others. We are not looking to prove anything to anyone, meaning there is usually a very different set of behaviour, depending on how much of it was originally put on with a people-pleasing mindset on. The person who talked about being fearless ends up breaking down due to the stress of the situation. The person who talked about being a nice person complains about how they hate other people.

Some people were consistent to what they said their personalities were like in terms of how they acted ‘off camera’. One of the first people to be removed this season said he was a nice person, and broadly acted as such despite the psychological stress put on them all. This not making good TV was the reason he was removed.

Now for the rest of us, we are not in the midst of an intense reality TV show demonstrating our character flaws. And yet, the way we act when the curtains are drawn still has an impact in how we are being as a human being. A few years ago we saw Ellen Degeneres apologising for bullying her staff, which demonstrated how the way she behaved off-air was completely different to the persona she had whilst on TV. The things we think people don’t see often are far more visible than we think.

I do not think the solution is to ‘always be on guard’. If our value comes from the judgment of others, we are forever putting up a front as to how we think we should behave to make others happy. There is no way we can keep this up forever, and it is actually this act which causes such a fragmentation between people’s public image and the way they behave behind closed doors.

Instead, I believe people can decide how they want to be. People can decide this for themselves, rather than for others. If you want to be ambitious, creative or anything else, you can be. Once you’ve set your frame of how you want to behave, it is then about embodying those values at any time, including those that no one sees you.

Few musicians or artists who ‘make it’ are successful simply due to a drive for the fame and glory. Instead, they embody a passion and love for their craft. They practice in their own time, when nobody is watching, and strive to get better. This requires a far deeper, intrinsic motivation than anything that you will get by making people like you.

The way we want to be can also embody basic human traits. We can decide to be considerate, caring and loving as part of our being. We can then strive to embody this throughout the moments in our life, particularly so when we are challenged. Whilst most of us would consider ourselves as loving individuals, many of us do not examine how we have acted and whether this is really in accordance with what we say about ourselves. I know I certainly haven’t in my life.

I find it hard to accept this idea of a person being a horrible boss or person at work but a loving parent and spouse when they get home. How you act in one area of life is how you act in everything. The old adage goes that if you want to get to know somebody, look at how they treat the waiter in the restaurant.

You might be thinking that simply ‘deciding’ to be a certain way is a gross simplification. After all, what about our personality traits and born characteristics? Whilst I do not deny that such things exist, I also believe that we can often let these labels define us. I’m sure we’ve all heard someone saying at some point that ‘that’s just the way I am’, yet I’ve seen so many examples of people fundamentally changing themselves as they were willing to question what they are able to achieve.

The reason this self-examination can be so powerful is because it can make us understand far more about ourselves. It can reveal to us our blind spots, which may be negatively affecting our relationships, performance and happiness. It can also allow us to just be better human beings, making a greater impact whilst also being more loving at the same time. I find that people who are in congruence with who they want to be tend to be happier, and in the long run more successful in the endeavours they pursue.

The way I put this into practice is shifting my mindset from long term goals to how I act on a day-to-day basis. Rather than building lofy ambitions of where I want to be in 5 years, I can look at what I am doing now, and how I can be a better human being based upon the areas that I’d like to put more energy towards. For me, this has been a massive shift which has made me more at peace with my own existence, and find a more accessible way to achieve my own aims.

So I invite you to ask yourself how you behave when people aren’t watching – this may be more indicative of how you actually feel about yourself. And if you want to, you may want to decide how you want to act based upon how you want to be. From there, it’s a case of living by these ideals in the difficult moments, even if it can be challenging to do so.

I’d love to hear from you what you got from this article. Drop a comment or mail.

Letting go of ego-driven behaviour in our lives

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The ego can is defined in the Cambridge Dictionary as ‘your idea or opinion of yourself, especially your feeling of your own importance and ability’.

What we believe about ourselves plays a significant role in how we react to the world. If we believe we are funny, we will crack jokes because that is the type of person that we believe we are. If we believe we are boring, we will avoid talking about ourselves out of fear that other people will find it very dull.

The funny thing about these two examples is that the label drives the behaviour, rather than the other way around. We were not born with the labels funny or boring, yet by encapsulating these personalities in how we act, we make them happen. The funny person constantly tells jokes and finds what people find amusing. The boring person avoids speaking about subjects they find interesting and come across an uninteresting character.

When we talk about ego, we often refer to the inflated sense of self we may have. Ego is usually made out as a criticism where we talk about people’s inflated egos and high opinions of themselves. But ego can be broader – it’s how we behave more generally, and one of its bigger influences in modern society is explicitly wanting to avoid the label of having a big ego, meaning that we often avoid talking about our achievements for fear of being seen as arrogant.

As established earlier, how we see ourselves can dramatically change how we are seen by others in the world. Rather than us being born with specific character traits, it is actually dominated more about our sense of self. So if we can change how we see ourselves, we can make massive changes in the way we behave – to the point that we can even change how happy we decide to be.

The ego has a purpose. It is what defines us as a person – it is our name and how we are identified as one individual as compared to an other. Without any sense of self, it would be hard to perceive our world as opposed to the life of another. By having a level of ego, it will also allow us a level of self-agency to live life and take decisions for ourselves.

But there’s also a reason we have built up all these different beliefs about ourselves. When we were young, we internalised many labels based upon what people said about us. What our authority figures – parents, aunts and uncles, teachers – said about us played a great role in defining how we see ourselves. So if we were told we were a troublemaker, this often actually made our behaviour worse because that is how we viewed ourselves. Likewise if we were told we were the smartest kid ever (or ‘going to be the next president’) we encapsulated this into our believes. Unsurprisingly lots of people then have a crisis of confidence when they were told these things then find it extremely hard to get a job when finishing their studies.

For me, I have been working on deconstructing my ‘intelligent’ label. A lot of my adult interactions have been driven subconsciously from an analytical level, to the point where the rational-side of my brain has dominated my life. Meanwhile my care for my body, emotional wellbeing and wider sense of spirit have been neglected. This has been driven by my ego – to be the one with something intelligent to say in the room. I also was embodying what I told myself – that I’m not sporty, based upon how I was at school.

I do not think my ego particularly likes being challenged. Having grown up with this label ingrained in my head, it has taken a hold on how I frame and interact with the world. So there have been points where I feel uncomfortable with reviewing my own beliefs. What has been particularly prevalent recently is the frustration that I am doing this work and others are not. This is an ego-driven emotion, because it highlights judgment about others (that I don’t actually know what they are doing!) nor am I in control of other people’s lives – I’m in control of my own. The ego’s self defense mechanisms can be strong.

Working on my ego has meant I am now more comfortable in situations where I don’t have anything to say, and when I need to listen to others. It also has allowed me to get less frustrated when people have other points of view, as implicitly I am not feeling subliminally attacked as being less intelligent. By not defining myself by individual character traits, it allows me to express myself in different ways that I previously could not.

This is more broad than just intelligence, but also things like being funny, or charming, or even introverted. The latter label of ‘introverted’ is interesting as a particular example because I believe that it can be helpful to understand more about ourselves through tools like personality tests in MBTi, but we can then end up overplaying this to the point we let such new labels define our lives. Whilst I recognise that I like having downtime after socialising with people, I also enjoy people’s company and can spend lots of time with them in a subject that stimulates me.

By taking away these definitions of who I am, I am far freer. I can live in the moment and react to situations as I want to. If I want to make a joke, I can do. If I want to be very serious, I can as well. I can have more intense conversations about life goals, but also have a casual chat about the weather. Before I used to find the switch between these two harder as I told myself I enjoyed deeper conversations with meaning, however now I recognise any conversation can have meaning, no matter the subject of discussion.

From here, I can define new behaviours that I do want to embody – being creative, generous and happy. For example, by deciding that I want to be a happy person, I am rewriting the narrative I had about myself about being a pessimist from when I was younger and had a more negative view of the world around me. So I am changing how I am.

I share these points because I believe people can change, and change rather dramatically. This is not a question of age, sex, religion or anything else. This is a question of whether you would like to work on changing yourself, and are willing to put the work in to do so. From my own experience, I can enjoy life more fully by not tying myself down to outdated labels, and yet the work to get there takes time and can be challenging, particularly when we see things we don’t like.

Would you like to change? Let me know your reflections and comments below. Equally drop me a message if you’d like to hear more about this space of personal development.

Taking the brain out of my life’s driver’s seat

develoPhoto by Christopher Carson on Unsplash

Without realising it, my brain has been in overdrive the last few weeks.

I travelled like ‘normal’ for the first time – heading to the UK after work by hopping onto the train on Friday night. I attended The Ultimate Experience, an event around ‘Being’ – choosing who we want to be and being challenged to go further in the way I live my life. People I spoke to were extremely fascinating in different ways, with particularly powerful and humbling stories. Yet it was also incredibly intense, particularly since it was the first large scale event I had been to for the last two years.

I then travelled across to Bristol to see family I had not seen since the pandemic started. Again, this was reconnecting to a whole side of my life that had been left relatively dormant, reconnecting with how other people’s lives had developed, as well as seeing nieces and nephews who had grown up rather quickly!

I then returned back the next day by jumping onto the Eurostar and straight back into work without much of a pause, returning to a flat in need of further furnishing, but somewhat getting there!

The idea of who I am being has been a big cloud over me in the last few weeks, both due to the conference and from the build-up towards it. The idea that we can decide who we want to be in life is both extremely liberating and daunting – I can effectively decide what personality I want to have, and I do not need to be driven by my ego in terms of how I react to situations, nor be defined by my labelled identity.

This is a very different way of framing life – instead I’m looking to focus upon how I act based upon the criteria I set myself, and live upon those every day. With this new framework I’m playing with, I continuously find myself asking questions about what this means in how I live my life. Needless to say, it’s quite a tiring exercise to see most things in my life through a new lens!

Otherwise, moving places is that it shifts your daily routine quite dramatically. Spending so much time in one place in the pandemic to now move to a different one takes a while to adjust. In hindsight, I underestimated how much time and energy it would take to really settle into a new home. Likewise, our modern working way is to jump straight back into gear at 100% as soon as possible with work, and I’ve found myself getting frustrated that I cannot quite hit my peak as of yet whilst I’m still fatigued by COVID.

I think a big part of addressing this situation is to accept a lot is going on in my life. It took a moment of coaching reflection to realise how much stuff I’d been up to in the last few weeks. Whilst I wanted to simply ride off the highs of doing lots of exciting stuff, I did not allow myself to slow down and take in the information. It was no wonder I had quite a few lows over the last week as my energy tank flatlined. So going with the flow of the ups-and-downs means I am no longer judging when I am low on energy. I’m also accepting the temporality of my situation – in other words, my strength will come back soon.

I’ve also been returning to my ways to ‘turn off’. One of my go-to switch off leisure activities is playing on my Playstation, however I noticed I had little motivation to do so. This is usually a warning sign where I am at such an intense phase that I am unwilling to actively start anything. So somewhat paradoxically I had to push myself to actually do something that I enjoyed, rather than doing things which amounted to personal development work.

Another part has been to revisit my basic routines. There’s some way to go with this, but having a better bed-time routine is a start. I’m still using my phone a lot in the evenings, but at least I have moved my charger across the room so it’s not the first thing I look at. That said, I’d like to build a stronger routine in terms of wake up times, relaxing mornings and building in my exercise. Again, I’m not beating myself up here for not having it down right now. It’s normal to not have it all figured out in the midst of lots of changes.

But the biggest fundamental shift I’ve had is reviewing how I am operating within my life. So much about this spiritual shift I’ve had is moving away from rational thought. Yet, I am still relying on my brain to drive my activity and life. In other words, I am returning to the use of my analytical senses to figure out the world around me. This has been extremely tiring as my brain is tiring to work out philosophies that quite literally cannot be explained (for example, the idea that we are connected to ‘everything’). This is a re-occurring state for me, where I’ve historically liked going into my bunker to analyse the world.

So my shift I’m now working on is to not be led by my brain. Instead, I want to allow more space for my wider senses – body and emotion – to guide how I am being. In unity, I see this as my ‘spirit’, i.e. the space that connects my mind, body and emotion, which I would like to lead my life, rather than my mind being the one that is in the drivers seat. In practice, this means not starting situations by analysing them, instead being driven by a wider sense of wisdom that takes information from all three different spaces of the mind, body and emotion at the same time.

This may sound very abstract, but it also reflects the fact that my beliefs have shifted so far in terms of how much I believe in objectivity and reality. I no longer want to always revert to logic when I now believe how much life is subjective and irrational.

This is rather new for me, so let’s see how it goes. But I also wanted to share it with you, as the reader. I know I’m not the only one trying to put too much logical sense into the world, whilst not giving enough space for my emotions and body. So I hope that some of these reflections will help you look at what is driving your life, and whether you are happy with that balance.

I hope you found this week’s article enlightening, as one that was a tad more personal than usual. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and whether you have any comments on what you’ve gotten from reading this.

Who are you choosing to be in your life?

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

I am exhausted, and have a stomach ache. I don’t feel like cooking and want to order a takeaway. What would not bothering to cook even though I committed to it earlier in the day say about me?

I am stressed, as I have a train to catch. I might easily fall into ignoring basic manners in the crowded bus around me. What would ignoring the needs of the other people around say about me?

I am in a busy restaurant, and the staff are stressed. I’m waiting to catch their attention to get a drink. I could be annoyed at them, or sympathetic that they are under a lot of pressure. What does my reaction say about me?

I’ve gone through a lot of introspection over the last week. I attended The Ultimate Experience in London. I met fascinating people, as well as gained insights from speakers.

The pre-reading was a book entitled The Ultimate Coach, which goes through the life of Steve Hardison as well as an assortment of different vignettes from his clients, as well as the story of his youth, marriage and transition into coaching. Steve Hardison amongst many other speakers (including his wife) spoke at the event; a recording will soon be found on the Instagram here

The idea of ‘being’ is the idea of what we are committing ourselves to be everyday. We declare to ourselves who we want to be, which sounds simple enough but requires a level of dedication to ensure it becomes a reality.

Before we can simply decide how we find our lives, we must first understand that the way we experience life is based upon how we decide to experience it. For example, if we believe our day will be terrible as we need to go to the dentists, this will frame our day negatively. Yet if we see today as a blessing as it will allow us to ensure we are caring and treating for our body, we can reframe the exact same situation in a completely different way. One leads to a positive outcome, one leads to a negative one. It is our choice which one we want to take.

This also means that we can reframe how we see the world. Many of us get caught up in our own view of what is ‘real’ and what is ‘not’, however in practice the way we experience reality is completely different for each one of us. We may go into a cinema and have a terrible experience whilst someone else has an amazing one. Neither of these are ‘incorrect’. This analogy moreover isn’t just for entertainment, it is actually for every facet of our lives. Work, relationships, hobbies, dreams, the list goes on. This is extremely important to understand if we would like to change how we experience life. Since if life is an experience rather than a unchangeable reality, we can choose to experience it how we like.

What this means is that we can choose how we want to live our lives. We can choose to be happy, if we want to. We can choose to be caring, loving and kind. We can choose to follow our limitless potential. However, if we choose to do so, we must commit to it.

When I returned to normal life this week, I’ve suddenly found myself a lot more challenged on living up to the being I set out for myself. I want to be a caring, loving and creative person. But being creative when I am too tired to write is difficult. I would rather just lie on the couch and watch Youtube. But if I am truly committed, I do it anyway.

The idea of ‘being’ may sound like a simple set of declarations which will magically change our world. But the reason it is so powerful is that we’re committing ourselves to live by our ideals, and by doing this everyday consistently, the magic will then happen.

If we are kind, caring and loving every day, in a year our lives would be completely different. If we committed to live and enjoy life every day we would be extremely happy. The key is committing to it on a day by day basis and sticking to them. Sure, we can make a slip up here and there as we are humans, but we cannot expect change if we only do this once every six months.

So when I wrote about the questions I posed to myself at the beginning of this piece, these were questions that came to me as a result of me declaring my being. By reminding myself of who I am deciding to be, it has pushed me to do the actions I committed to, rather than falling victim to my own short term feelings. Imagine if I can do this for the next ten years. The effect will be incredible. Imagine if I did this for the rest of my life.

Now I want you to consider what this might mean for your life. If you believe in what I’m saying, I am telling you that you can choose how you want to live your life. Yes, that means that if you are in a situation which feels difficult and makes you unhappy, you can indeed reframe it to feel happy about it. This requires you to declare how you want to live your life, and to live by it. If you declare that you want to see the positives in every situation and stick to it, you will be much happier.

So I would love for you to think about who you want to be, and how that might shape the experience you have in life.

Who do you want to be in your life? Are you willing to commit to living by your will?

P.S. I have written an A4 page long declaration of who I am being. If you’re interested, I would be happy to send it to you. Just drop me a message. I can also help you with writing your own document of declaration.

If you want change, you need to want something new

Photo by Christian Lue on Unsplash

I’ve had several conversations in the last few months around people wanting some sort of change. People growing tired of their job, or wanting to change their lifestyle following the shifts we’ve found during the pandemic. Perhaps some other life event has prompted an individual to make changes in their life – health, relationship or some epiphany from time away in self reflection.

When we want to change something, it can often be hard to figure out what we want to change. The easy part is to say that whatever we have right now is not working for us, and that we need to shift this into another thing. But the harder part is deciding what this new thing we want to do should be.

For people who are looking to change career, often the prompt is some level of disgruntlement with work. The focus can quickly become on how bad everything is right now, and therefore the change is needed to fix things. Change in of itself becomes the solution, whatever that change might be.

Whilst this is perhaps a good starting point, most of the time it is not enough to want change for change sake. For most of us, we require finding a new direction we want to pursue, else we will get totally lost in the millions of directions we could go. Since the world has so many different possibilities, it is incredibly easy to feel overwhelmed by the options. This feeling is particularly strong when we feel surrounded by people who look like they all know what they are doing.

Concretely, I’ve had conversations with people who want to leave their workplace and do something new. Unfortunately they have no idea what that new thing might be. Considering the amount of time and energy required to move sectors or into a new career, it makes it tough to actually succeed without being clear where you might want to go. Whilst throwing a job application to a new role isn’t so strenuous, to actually succeed through doing all the additional activities – extra research, practice interviews, even a short course – can be too much for someone who’s heart isn’t really into such an opportunity.

It’s for this reason we see many disgruntled staff members staying in an organisation far too long. When you have a conversation with people in this situation, they know they are unhappy but do not know what to do. The longer they linger on these thoughts, the more they become paralysed by fear. Suddenly the outside world seems too scary, and they rest in the comfort blanket of their situation, despite being miserable about it. I saw a lot of this in one of my previous workplaces. Despite people who actually left ending up much happier, many people stayed for years due to the comfort of familiarity.

For others, sometimes a change does occur. But it might not turn out exactly how they may expect – changing jobs often does not shift the underlying problem. A lawyer working in a law firm who then becomes burnt out does not solve the problem by moving to a law firm with the exact same culture. Soon this becomes a game of job hopping, with little to address the underlying problem that the individual isn’t really satisfied with the work itself nor the long hours culture.

Paradoxically, the process of learning what we like to do is often a game of trial and error. It is often a case of being exposed to new opportunities that we never even knew were possible. In the modern age, it is possible to live a nomadic life travelling around the world whilst running a business online, for example. And if that’s something you truly want, it is possible for you to create it for yourself.

Practically, the best way to learn more about the opportunities within life is to go out and speak with people. Connect with people on LinkedIn, or go to wherever interesting people congregate – it does not need to be a full-on networking event, but simply a place where you can learn more about the different things you can do in the world. Since dedicating more time to listening to different people, it is amazing the amount of different things people do, so there is certainly a whole world of opportunities out there that we likely did not even existed.

It does not need to always be about work either. You may hear about someone who does a hobby that you’ve always wanted to try, or has done something like moving to a new country. By truly listening to the stories of other people, we can expand our horizons to places we did not even know was possible.

For me, it was not enough to want to leave my previous job. I spent time disgruntled, and therefore expected the world around me to come up with solutions. I thought I could just go out and find a new role that would perfectly cater for my needs without really trying. Instead, I really needed to dedicate myself to making a change, and being dedicated to make that change happen instead of giving up a few months in.

I had to solve the underlying niggles that were in my mind, such as where I wanted to live and how I could find fulfillment whatever my job might be before I could truly commit to the idea of moving to a new country to get a job.

You don’t need to have it set in stone, and life may give you a new opportunity on the path to exploring what’s out there. For me, I had in my mind working something around technology, however ended up focusing on sustainability. Both are interesting subjects, but the latter I had not considered so much. So things can evolve.

So if you’re looking for a change, remember to take time to figuring out what you want to do now. It will greatly help you narrow down the different options, and will give you direction and enthusiasm for a new possibility.

What new thing do you want in your life? Comment below or drop me a message if you don’t want to share publicly!

Do we really need motivation to achieve our goals?

Photo by AJ Jean on Unsplash

‘I’d love to do that! My problem is that I find it tough to find the motivation’

How often do we hear this phrase?

We treat the idea of motivation as a sacred, finite resource akin to a rare gem. It is our version of the Felix Felicius from Harry Potter, a mysterious potion of unknowable quantity that enables us to do magic things.

Since we see motivation as such a key to success, we find tactics to maximise our motivation. We will go to some motivational speaking seminars (or just Youtube it), get pumped and start strong with our goal. For fitness, we sign up to a gym where we rely on getting ‘motivated’ (read: shouted at) by the gym instructor as a way to make us continue with our goals. Yet, after a short amount of time, this motivation fizzles away. After a month or so, what seemed important to us no longer does, we lose interest and stop meeting the targets we set. After this, we then feel guilty and start seeing ourselves as failures for not being able to do the things we wanted.

Indeed this also goes for a workplace setting too. How often have we seen a new, exciting initiative get set up, only for it to fizzle out and die after a few months? I would get so tired when working in Government at the amount of new, shiny initiatives whereas old ones were left to slowly disappear. I distinctly recall a conversation about bringing in ‘anti-bullying ambassadors’, which while nice in theory, was a half-baked idea with not much substance behind it. Meanwhile, the person running our highly successful reverse mentoring programme had left 7 months ago and still not been replaced, meaning the whole programme was still on pause, and there was little desire to do anything about it.

Most strategies to address this issue look to keep motivation high – surrounding ourselves with cheerleaders or posting inspirational quotes around us. Some of these actually work, so if they do for you, great. Yet I contend whether we even need to be obsessed about the whole idea of motivation in the first place.

Motivation is a concept we have built up within our heads. It is not something we can touch, hold, or pick up. I would argue it is something not far akin to our imagination – a fleeting feeling based upon our subjective living of reality. In other words, our focus upon motivation is a focus upon something that may not even be real. So it is strange that it has such a hold on us within our life.

One of the big problems is that by doing things when we are motivated, we are implicitly saying that there are times we will not be motivated. Spend two minutes looking at your goal and how far away from it you are and it is hard not to feel frustration and anxiety. The game then becomes a see-saw of motivation and demotivation. And once again, this is another concept we have built up in our head. There is no see-saw in reality.

So can we simply rid ourselves of the idea of motivation? Perhaps, perhaps not. I will let you decide that for yourself. But I do believe we can stop focussing on motivation. Instead, we can look to create commitment, with which we are far more likely to reach our goals. Instead of relying on a fleeting feeling of ‘motivation’, we can take the feelings out of the equation and commit to doing something whether we explicitly want to or not.

I am a grand believer in setting a schedule. There are many activities I would not do if I relied on the whim of the moment. After work, I usually tell myself I am too tired to do much more than crash in front of the sofa. Yet if I schedule a call, or put in some time to exercise, I am far more likely to do it. This is because I am willing to do the activity whether I feel like it or not, and I am taking the subjective emotion out of the equation.

So what does this mean for you? I am in no doubt you have some sort of goal you want to achieve – better standard at work, honing a skill, losing weight or whatever else. If you are finding it tough, I sincerely believe you could benefit from reframing this from relying on motivation to one of commitment. How willing are you to commit to doing exercise twice a week? Would you be willing to set a weekly time out for it? Would you be willing to sign up for a weekly class to learn that new instrument?

I do not profess to be perfect, yet this shift in my mindset has benefited me greatly. If I were to sit down and base my desire to learn languages on motivation I would quickly lose interest – I have too many stimuli around me to keep something in my head that long. Instead, throughout the pandemic I booked weekly language classes at the same time each week. My skills have developed exponentially. I booked these classes and committed to them.

Even when I was tired, or not feeling like doing my class, I did them anyway. In the end, the less I focused on how I was feeling and more on what I was doing, the more natural I found it – no longer did I spend so much time worrying about an activity beforehand either, which gave me space to enjoy life, as well as feel the satisfaction of meeting my goals.

So I hope you might look at your goals in a different way. I would love to hear from you in terms of what you have gotten from reading this article.