Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
This last week has been quite humbling. I wasn’t really expecting it, but I crashed. My nervous system is shot. Daily tasks have been difficult again.
It’s hard not to feel a little despondent. I was somewhat hopeful that things were improving. But sometimes, it’s two steps forward, one step back.
In response, I’ve decided to slow down even more. I cancelled pretty much all my plans, and most of my time has been in solitude. And actually, it’s been quite nice. Indeed, perhaps this has been the lesson I’ve needed to learn all along.
When I reflect on it, there does feel like some sense of coming full circle. When I was younger, I was far more withdrawn. I did enjoy socialising, but I did it far less. I also enjoyed having time for my own, as well as totally empty weekends.
Overtime, that changed. I started doing more, and progressively built more activity in my life. The years of my life before my burnout were built upon a buzz of adrenaline. Activity, projects and events. Often back to back.
This may sound bad, but the truth was that it was actually serving me well. When my life felt full, I felt energised. I felt more present, and actually more alive. I was better balancing my energy, which meant I had a lot more space to do new things.
The problem though was that I became overly reliant to external stimulation. When things stopped feeling exciting, I ended up feeling drained. The response to a setback was always ‘how can I do this better’ rather than ‘perhaps it’s time to put this down for now’.
I imagine this was probably an over-correction after the pandemic. We had our lives frozen for several years that returning to ‘normal’ felt chaotic. Some people responded with trepidation, finding it difficult to reconnect. I went the other way – throwing myself hard into people and projects. In hindsight, it was perhaps a bit too hard.
I wanted to be great at everything I put my mind into, and I also wanted to solve the world’s problems. I wanted to succeed in all my goals, whilst also wanting to do the deep, inner work. Even typing all of this feels exhausting. It’s no wonder that I crashed. In fact, I think I needed it.
If that previous period was about expanding my energy, than this period has been about conserving it. Funnily enough, this has lined up with how I look at my finances too. In the past, it was all about ‘how can I earn more to do the things that I want’. Now it’s interrogating more deeply ‘do I really need this?’ I’m seeing that sometimes, the best solution is simply release the desire. If I don’t feel the need to have some grand exotic adventure, then I don’t need to find the money to pay for it. Blindly following all of our desires is falling into both a moralist and capitalist trap.
I wrote about feeling more hopeful in the last few weeks. This feeling hasn’t dissipated even with this sudden drop in energy, but I think has come with a bit more grounded expectations. I’m unlikely to suddenly have things massively improve, that’s rarely how life works. But things will start to feel easier.
I need to be grateful for the lessons of this period. I am better at erring on the side of caution, rather than throwing myself into new activities. This will be a vital lesson for the next stage of my life.