Photo by Max Kolganov on Unsplash
I was at a work party once a number of years ago. We were speaking about ourselves, so cue a moment of self-effacing humour.
I uttered the words ‘I think people like me, until they get to know me’.
Although I’ve left the UK, one thing that will never leave me is my dry British humour. It can be a little funny when this takes people by surprise, particularly now living in the continent.
Yet no joke is funny unless it has some level of truth hidden underneath.
I’ve noticed how much I tone myself down in many social and professional settings. I had gotten so used to being cautious with my words that it just became second nature. The real danger is when you become so used to doing it that you don’t even realise.
But here’s where I’m going to say something that goes against a lot of personal development clichés.
It’s good that I tone myself down.
Toning myself down is what means that I don’t stick out like a sore thumb. It’s how I can manage to fit within the rigid edges of a world that was very much not designed for people like me.
This might fly in the face of what you’ve been told. Right now, the current personal development word after all is ‘authenticity’
‘Be your true authentic self, no matter what people say!’
‘Don’t tone yourself down for no-one girl!’
‘if they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best!!’
I describe this as the Instagram therapy speak. The trend of getting advice based upon short snippet videos. You’ll watch a one minute video where a young, white cis woman will give you well-meaning but simplistic advice that will fix the problems in your life. It often boils down to the idea that you need to just be more ‘yourself’ and all your problems will magically disappear.
I don’t meant to sound overly harsh. After all, I do understand why people come to this conclusion. And that’s because for them, it works.
There are many people who have lived in a state of fear of speaking up. They are now increasingly entering spaces where people are actively encouraging them to do so. So when they do so, it is greeted with a level of support and acceptance. The result is a sense of euphoria mixed with growing self-belief.
The problem is that for certain people, this advice can actually be really bad. If a black woman were to ‘speak her truth’, she is far more likely to be labelled angry, aggressive and difficult. This can have all sorts of negative ramifications on her professional career and/or personal life.
Being authentic only works if you’re in a space which welcomes your authentic self. The reality is that many spaces are not like that. And you’re far more likely to be in such a space if you are from the background of the majority of the population. In the west, this is being a white, cis-gendered person.
Which then comes to the next ‘solution’ to this problem.
‘Go find where you’re welcomed and accepted. Don’t waste your time in places you’re not appreciated!’.
Which, again, can be good advice, at least for certain people. Let’s say you’re a white cis woman who is dealing with sexism at work. You can find other spaces which will treat you better. It helps that you’ll find connection and comradery with other cis-white women, which makes up around 30-40% of the population (and even higher in most professional settings).
But if you’re not from this demographic, it becomes far more difficult to find such a space. Worse yet, it can actually compound the problem of marginalisation.
For example, I have certain community groups that I do go to for support. But these spaces are very much underresourced and are filled with burnt out, marginalised folk on low incomes.
World inequalities have the multiplier effect of not only putting additional barriers on you as an individual, but also limiting your community spaces to people who are far less able to support you.
If I were to follow the advice of simply retreating away from spaces where I’m not accepted, I would be effectively ruling myself out of most of the labour market. That’s not exactly a great place to be in.
When we see this at a more macro level, it explains the marginalisation and fracture of society that we have today. Many people are million miles away from pursuing a career because they know they’re not welcomed.
The only real way to deal with these complexities in life is by seeing the world as it really is.
The world is unfair, and I know that I’m more likely to be treated worse because of who I am. I cannot change the cards I have been dealt with life, all I can do is play them to the best of my ability.
So that means that I play my cards far more tactically. I’ve learnt to be strategic, where many others can act freely without worrying.
This is a survival mechanism, and it is why I’ve gotten this far.