Photo by David McCumskay on Unsplash
Anger is often seen as a negative emotion. Anger is often synonymous to being petulant or violent. We get angry because we are not accepting something that we ‘should’.
In many social settings, it’s seen as better to refrain from displaying anger. Anger is seen as impolite, or inconsiderate. So instead, we bottle it up until it comes out in a messy burst. It’s certainly a reverse culture shock to come back to the UK and see how these uncontrolled emotions spew out on the streets when people get drunk.
It’s true that uncontrolled anger can be unhealthy, and even dangerous. When we are consumed with rage, it can be hard to think clearly. We might act on impulse, or enter into violence.
But the problem is that by trying to avoid conflict, we often unintentionally suppress our anger. Suppressed emotions doesn’t lead to a healthy emotional status.
I’ve had the unfortunate double whammy of being an ethnic minority as well as being neuroatypical. Being a minority with a moustache and beard, the perception of my actions tend to be seen as more aggressive, predominantly by white people. Unfortunately, white people are the majority in the spaces I inhabit, and are the ones who also tend to be the power holders in my life.
It’s been a constant source of frustration that I cannot display my displeasure at a situation without being perceived as threatening. I’ve received countless sets of feedback about the ‘way’ I raise an issue. At first, I believed that this was something for me to work on. But after a while, I realised that this was an impossible standard. My carefully planned statements of unhappiness still get perceived as threatening.
The frustrating part about this is how acceptable it is for white people around me to verbalise their emotions in a shocked, emotional or angry way without it being an issue. I’ve seen countless times how the reaction of a white person is excused due to emotions running high, but no such benefit of the doubt is given to me.
I had a situation recently where I pointed this double standard out. I even highlighted the inherent racism within. How did the white person across me respond? At the mention of the word racism, they got up and stormed out of the room (while I was still speaking). A few hours later they told me off for implying she was racist, as well as highlighting that I should be sorry for the hurt I had caused her.
As I’ve explored my neurodivergence further, it’s become apparent how difficult I can find it to be caught by surprise. Whilst nobody likes having a last minute change, it can sometimes affect me quite deeply. This can also throw people off guard, as the things that can upset me don’t tend to be the ‘normal’ things that I should get upset about.
I’ve learnt to be very careful about the way I express myself, even when someone has done me wrong. Expressing my upset can actually be dangerous, as I can be branded as threatening or aggressive. Of the conflicts I have had, there were countless times where it actually started from someone else doing something disrespectful to me. Yet the original issue is glossed over upon, and the focus instead turns to how I reacted.
I actually talked to a (white) professional about the situation I had with the white woman recently. She actually suggested that it was better for me not to try and explain my point. In the situation I was in, the people in the room were most likely never going to accept my point of view, as they had basically already made up their mind. Alas, I learnt to take the loss and move on.
A lifetime of suppressing my anger for fear of being perceived negatively has taken its toll. I feel fear at the idea of expressing anger, and I usually have deep anxiety attacks after I have done it (even when I have been justified for doing so). I recently felt an intense pain in my throat because I did not know how to express the frustration that I had built up within.
Although I have learnt the importance of standing up for myself and setting my boundaries, I’ve learnt to do this by simply accepting the suffering it causes. I know that I will probably be branded a troublemaker, aggressive or impolite. But it is better that then getting walked over. Yet it is still painful.
I’m now looking at new ways in which I can express my anger in more healthy ways. Excercise and physical contact can be a good space for this, and I’m learning to use these powerful emotions in a way that is conducive to my performance. Anger can be a very good motivator, and I am looking at how I can use it through artistic expression when moving my body or dancing.
I’m also becoming a lot more conscious as to where the spaces I am in, and how safe they really are. Whilst many left-leaning areas purport to be ‘safe’, there tends to be a lot of white fragility around mentioning race. That doesn’t mean that I cannot participate in these spaces, but I need to be wary that there are certain topics that are better to not be touched upon. It’s tricky to explain this to well-meaning individuals who see these spaces as safe for themselves. But it’s important to trust my own instinct as my experience will be different to the majority of people.
The positive side to being more conscious is realising whoare genuinely open to understanding, as well as finding the spaces which are more accepting. These do not need to be necessarily minority led spaces (although that can sometimes help). Instead, it’s finding people who have the emotional intelligence to genuinely have discussions of issues in an open minded way.
Fundamentally, anger is not a negative emotion. It is just an emotion, like any other. It’s more about how we act upon the emotion. We can use anger to drive us to destruction, or to constructive change. Without anger, our sense of moral justice would be totally flat.
I can’t pretend to have exactly figured out how I can most healthily express my anger, but I think I’m on the path towards it.
What I do know is that I feel healthier and happier when I feel more in tune with what I am really feeling.