Photo by Ana Flávia on Unsplash
When it comes to sharing our own opinions, many of us get in a pickle.
On the one hand, we feel our internal psyche telling us something that needs to be said. Sometimes this might not be particular popular or welcome.
On the other hand, we are wary of becoming like those people who say things to the point of obnoxiousness. I think we all know people who perhaps are a little tooconfident.
So how do we get to the sweet spot of sharing an opinion clearly, especially when it goes against the grain?
The trap with intelligent people is that they are used to being right all the time. It means that they are not used to being wrong, and people are less likely to challenge them as well. It’s why cognitive biases are often even higher for these people than others.
But there are also plenty of intelligent people who end up swinging the other way. The type who are so anxious about having all the facts that they fall into a spiral of crippling dysfunction.
I’ve regularly got myself into a tangle with it. I’ve wanted to share an opinion. But I’ve ended up doing it In a way that lacks conviction. It’s like I’ve wanted to cover my bases. I both want to open people up to a different way of thinking, whilst also not be called obnoxious.
The result is unsatisfactory for all involved. I feel like I haven’t done myself justice, and I’ve also raised suspicion of the group around me. It’s like getting the worst of both worlds.
The nice thing is that things feel different now. People are accepting my opinions more, even though, if anything, they’ve become more disruptive. There’s a difference in terms of my internal clarity that allows people into my internal world much better than the tentative views I’d put out in the past.
A big change for me is that I no longer fear being called obnoxious. In the past, I didn’t want to seem like a know-it-all, so I would temper my opinions. It’s taken some time to realise that pretty much the only people who have labelled me as arrogant or obnoxious are the ones exhibiting that behaviour themselves. Some people think that they know it all, so if I share a different opinion, well, it’s seen as a threat.
I also have the self-assuredness to say this with confidence, even though people could say I’m deflecting criticism. I know I’m not obnoxious. I sometimes have different opinions, and I know how to express them clearly and in detail. That can be dangerous for some people.
I think it helps that I’ve also gotten comfortable that there’s people who are not going to like me. I don’t doubt that there are people who think me writing my blogs is self-indulgent and stuffy. Being comfortable with that gives freedom.
I think the key is to tie in self-assuredness with humility. The magic formula is being comfortable with being 100% sure of something, and also recognising we can still be wrong. The test of humility is to see whether we can admit being wrong without a big hit to the ego. The test of self-assuredness is to not spiral into self-critique or doubt when we get it wrong.
Understanding context also helps. My life experience is pretty different to most people around me, so my points and views are also going to be different. I’m regularly an outlier in pretty much all the spaces that I’m in. If anything, it would be weird if my opinions were the same as the people around me.
So like most things, it boils down to doing the inner work.
When we’re calm and collected, sharing something a bit ‘out there’ becomes a far easier and smoother experience.