Photo by Amritanshu Sikdar on Unsplash
I’ve always prided myself on the ability to be consistent. Generally, when I say I will do things, I tend to do them.
Whilst this is a rather positive trait to have, I’m also starting to see where it can fall into unhelpful behaviours too.
This recent period of fatigue has been a moment where I really needed to go into cocoon mode. I’m not the biggest fan of the cliché of prioritising oneself, but here I really needed to make sure I took the time to rest, in particular reducing external contact.
That’s been tricky for me. I’m someone who wants to make space for people in my life and be available for them. It’s only become evident recently how difficult I find it to say no if someone wants to see or do something with me. I quickly feel guilty if I turn people down, and the feeling of guilt can hit me pretty hard.
I’m currently in my recovery period, so my energy levels are at a higher point than they were a few months ago. My internal social bee wants to spend more time with people, so I’ve been scheduling more socialising time. Yet this has been a challenge since it can be unclear as to how much energy I’ll really have on the day. My tendency is to overestimate, and overschedule.
I’ve found it a real challenge to live up to my (probably unrealistic) challenges of not letting people down. I get very stressed at the idea of being late to a social appointment (say by 5-10 minutes). It’s a bit of a recipe for disaster in my current state. My executive dysfunction makes simple tasks of getting up and taking a shower can feel heavy and confusing, meaning I can take a long time just to get out of bed. This doesn’t help for meeting up with people at a pre-agreed time.
It’s probably an ‘autism thing’, but I find it difficult to cope with sudden shifts in plans if they were quite big. Whilst I’m fine with someone no longer being able to make a coffee date, if it’s something bigger (e.g. an event I’m revolving my day around) I can feel lost when such plans fall through last minute.
It’s probably why I’m also so keen to avoid cancelling things for other people. After all, I’d rather be the solution, rather than the problem. And for the most part, I think the people around me appreciate this part about me.
Yet it also means that I can end up forcing myself to go to things, even when it might not have been a good idea. Whilst I love the idea of ‘being my word’, I also can recognise that I do not need to be an infallible human.
I never quite saw myself as a people pleaser a few years ago, but my recent experiences on the social side have opened my eyes to how needy I can get for people’s approval. In these situations, my motivating driver is a sense of guilt, rather than an actual will to be with someone. Guilt doesn’t tend to be a particularly helpful driver in the long run.
I think the solution is to be light with ourselves. I’m not a failure of a human being for having this challenge. I can also let myself have a margin of error – I don’t need to always aim for 100% consistency, and I can allow myself to cancel on things if I need to.
Even if I cancelled a little bit more I’d probably still be one of the most reliable people I know.