Photo by Tony Litvyak on Unsplash
When we’re looking to improve, we often think that it’s all about building upon our existing knowledge. We often talk about ‘growth’, and ‘improvement’.
But if we only build upon what we have today, we are relying upon the foundations that we had built earlier on in our life. These foundations are pretty shaky and unstable.
I previously worked with a coach who would regularly talk about this. The work was really to clearing out the dog turd underneath to create a new, healthy foundation. From here, we can truly build anew.
Many people, no matter how much learning or introspection they do, seem to keep repeating their mistakes. It’s generally because they do not address the real root issues. This is the sort of stuff like how we really see ourselves, and what beliefs we learnt in childhood.
In western language, we talk about it as healing the inner child. There is truth to this phrase, yet it makes it sound like it is simply about giving love and attention. That parts important, but it doesn’t give the full picture. A lot of it is actually extremely painful and messy. Attempting to skip this difficult step is why many people never truly learn.
Outside Western approaches, there is far more importance of ridding ourselves of the impurities. In Buddhism, there is the concept of ‘saṅkhārā’, which are our mental reactions or conditioning. Our thinking can quickly create a whole host of mental defilements – rāga, dosa and moha: cravings, aversions and ignorance. These are then stored in the body, as a weight we carry around. In the Vipassana 10 day silent meditation I did, it was all about feeling these sensations in the body. The idea was to let the body release them, without starting to analyse the feelings. If we started analysing ‘why’, we would end up creating even more cravings and aversions, thereby recreating the problem.
Ayurveda describes toxic residue as ‘Ama’. These are created by poorly digested foods. Ama is created by eating foods that are not good for us (which can vary depending on our constitution), but also from whether we overeat, eat at irregular times or eat unconscientiously. We also build up further ama from stress and a lack of physical activity.
In the book about Ayurveda I’ve been reading, they talked about a sage who very sick people would come to visit. This person had a reputation for healing people. The sage would take them in, and give them some sort of elixir to consume. Unbeknownst to them, this would induce a pretty horrendous period of sickness and regular vomiting for about a month. It was a very unpleasant experience, but by doing so, people could be cleansed of the internal toxins. By the end of the ordeal, they would leave feeling better.
Another, slightly less extreme example is having a day of ‘langhana’ – a fast day to give the whole digestive system a break. For a long time western scientists have described how bad this is for your body, though the opinion is starting to shift more recently. It must not be forgotten that fasting has been a part of civilisation since time began. After all, even in Christianity we talk about Jesus fasting for 40 days and 40 nights.
As for me, I’ve started taking Triphala powder, which is a mix of three medicinal plants. This is particularly known to help with digestive issues, and I’ve been taking it at night to clear out a lot of my digestive issues. It’s helped a lot to rebalance things, along with looking at my diet more in general.
The additional side effect has been that my dreams have become incredibly intense. That said, the triphala contributed to this, but it wasn’t the root cause. I think my body is now getting to the point where it has enough energy to do the deep internal processing needed. As the body is releasing ama, so is my mind.
I had a dream where I had an uncle interrogating me as to why I had been off sick and not working. I had to explain that I needed the rest to my body. It was tapping into my learned expectations of family roles and duty.
In another dream I was expressing my internal, suppressed rage by being physically violent against people. I could shapeshift in it for one reason or another, and by the end was trying to flee for safety. Last night, I had another dream where me and an imaginary sister swallowed a pill and intensely began throwing up blood. I then had to go and find help for both of us.
These were all dreams from this week. The process is really coming through thick and fast right now. In fact, I’ve tended to have around three dreams a night, though I generally only remember the most vivid ones properly.
This may sound alarming, but it’s actually good. Ayurveda talks about such dreams as a purification. Importantly, within each dream I have agency. These are not dreams of being trapped in fear, instead they are ones where I react to the situation and am somewhat overcoming the obstacle.
I appreciate that I’m fortunate to have the time to go through this process, which not everyone does. Then again, I don’t think the process is as intense for most people either. My ChatGPT interpretation of the pill swallowing is that me choosing to go down this cleansing path has been far more difficult than I expected it to be.
Although it’s slow, the positive benefits are starting to bear fruit. Slowly, but surely, I’m regaining energy as well as internal clarity. My hope is that by going through this arduous process, I’ll be lighter, healthier and stronger than I’ve ever been.