Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash
Forgiveness is one of the key words in the world of spirituality and religion. This makes sense – it’s better to forgive than hold on to a grudge for many years of our life.
I think we know this intrinsically. Yet it’s a lot more challenging to do in practice.
My recent months has involved a lot of exploration and experimentation. This has meant there have been bumps along the way. People have been hurt. Sometimes I have hurt people. Sometimes people have hurt me. Sometimes, it’s a mix of the two.
Forgiveness has two aspects. Firstly, forgiveness for ourselves. We can be some of our biggest critics. When we berate ourselves for every small action that we might have done wrong, it can be very hard to find a sense of peace and happiness. A lack of self-forgiveness is probably why we see so many people with low self confidence in today’s society.
Then there is forgiving others. Understanding better why people may have done some things, accepting that they may have had their reasons, and, if they give one, accepting an apology. Even in a space where disagreements persist and no apology is made, we can choose to forgive someone for what we believe they may have done against us.
Forgiving ourselves and forgiving others go hand in hand. If we judge others harshly, we implicitly are setting rules for ourselves of what we should or should not do – ‘That guy is very obnoxious, I would neverbe so loud in public’. We are binding ourselves in a construct about how we should act. Without realising it, we are restricting our own freedom.
I’m generally one who is relatively quick to forgive. Admittedly, this is by my own estimation, but even then, I would say that I tend to be more on the empathetic side. Yet I’ve also felt quite frustrated with forgiveness, especially in the last few years. Despite focussing on getting better at forgiving, I wondered whether I was excusing the actions of people. I’d find myself giving a reason as to why someone acted negatively towards me, without feeling like I could actually address the issue with them.
In an attempt to avoid uncomfortable conversations, I feel that we often sweep issues under the carpet. This has often left me in an uncomfortable position – do I endlessly hold a grudge because I feel unsatisfied by the actions of someone I know, or do I get on with life?
In the end, I cannot control the actions of others. I would wish that there was more space for open conversations, yet I also recognise that many of us were not equipped for such style of conversations. I’m sure I’m no saint either in this.
The key distinction I learnt this week is that I can forgive people for their actions, without necessarily conceding my point. This includes actions (like some that have happened to me this week) that have done me a lot of harm.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that I concede my point of view. Instead, it’s understanding where the other person is coming from and seeing that they had their reasons for their actions.
In some senses forgiveness is somewhat selfish. It’s a way to let go of the past and move on with life. I do not want the actions of someone else to have a constant hold on me. The memories stop provoking anger, and ultimately I stop thinking about them.
By forgiving, I actually reclaim my own power.