Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash
Five minutes before writing this article, I dropped my toiletries off the side of my sink.
The result was a dramatic explosion of products and powders on the floor. Not only was the stuff kind of expensive, it was also a rather sizeable mess which was awkward to clean up.
I was pissed off. In fact I still am.
Some people think that this space of personal development is about not letting things upset us, but I think that although that can be part of it, we can fall into denying our feelings if we are not careful. It’s okay for me to get frustrated – I am only human after all. But the way I deal with that frustration can either be constructive or destructive.
In the past, I would let the negative feeling drown away my day. I would chastise myself for being so clumsy, which would undermine my sense of self-worth. Starting a day in such a way, it’s usually hard to have it be a particularly joyful experience.
Until recently, I had changed my approach towards a much more rational one. I would follow a very logical line that these are just material possessions and it won’t take me long to clean up anyway. I would then just carry on with my day with a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ mindset. Whilst this was functionable, and certainly can be helpful at times, it also implicitly denied what I was actually really feeling.
What I’ve learnt is that it’s really important for me to feel what I’m feeling. Not to dissect, rationalise or justify, but just to experience them. The actual reality is that I do feel sad about knocking over my stuff. It matters to me and I am disappointed, and that’s okay.
The reason it is important for me to have the time to experience the emotion is that the sooner I give myself the time to experience this, the sooner I can return to a base state. It’s amazing how after a short amount of time of giving time to me, the feeling can pass, and I find that the more I practice this, the quicker it happens. This is a far cry from when I would linger on the feelings so much that they could last several days.
We can often try to shortcut this part of experiencing unpleasant emotions like sadness or anger, but my experience is that this only serves to postpone the feeling. A common tactic is finding a way to distract ourselves, but this only serves to delay. The emotions will come up one way or another, and it’s better to get them out sooner rather than be weighed down with them for a long time (sometimes even a life time).
We can even play with the idea of using our feelings as a prompt for a new action. This works well, as long as it is not laced in self-judgement. Next time, I will ensure that I don’t leave so much stuff on the edge of my sink. I also turned this experience into something constructive by using it as inspiration for this article. As long as we are not chastising ourselves, these experiences can be valuable as moments for our development.
P.S. I am running an online programme in the month of November – undercutting your overthinking – where we will explore these themes. My aim for this is creating something that will really help you in making the shift I describe in this article, as well as other lingering unhelpful states of mind such as anxiety and frustration.
I created this programme because I see so many people could benefit from the work I have found through my foray into personal development. Unfortunately, many do not know this work exists and how much it can benefit them in their relationships, careers and personal wellbeing. The radical changes in my life demonstrates to me the power it can have for you. If this speaks to you, drop me a message to learn more.