Photo by Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash
Who knows someone who is so focused on their own goals that they totally forget how they’re showing up in the other parts of their life?
For example, the friend who no longer turns up now that they’re in a relationship. Or the colleague who is so caught up in work that they fail to see that the deadline is not actually life-or-death.
It’s annoying right?
Well, newsflash. This also includes you.
The concept of consistency in action is well known. Yet even then, we fail to do what we said we were going to do. We want to lose weight, but we fail to take the actions needed to make it happen.
So often, the idea is to overcompensate. We decide to suddenly commit lots of time and energy to that one thing of weight loss to get the results. We go through the fad of health shakes, gym classes in the morning and skinny salads.
Aside from the fact that these behaviours are not likely to last, they also fall into the trap of over-absorption into a single goal.
When we write ambitious goals, we forget about the context of the rest of our lives. And so suddenly, we start to neglect other things. But these things are important – spouses, friends, family, health, wellbeing.
As a coach, I invite people towards a different way of looking at things. Let’s look at your life as a whole. Because that’s where the real clues will come up on what is holding you back.
The reason this is so powerful is because it demonstrates the unhealthy behaviour that is probably the reason we’re not attaining the goal in the first place. To carry on with the weight loss analogy, we might get so hyperfocussed on it that we forget to actually listen to our own body. The sudden shift of diet leads to dramatic mood swings and unhappiness. But rather than listening to ourselves, we power on, through ‘willpower’. Until we don’t. Because this is not a system for success. If we’re not listening to our gut instinct when it comes to health, well no wonder we’re still also in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat us right.
Most fundamentally, I see people who are frustrated that they aren’t getting the things they want in life. Issues around finding a suitable partner, or wanting a better role or promotion. Yet what they also fail to see is how the way they are showing up in their life is having a large impact on that.
I know a lot of people who disappear off the face of the earth for a few months. Now, I’m empathetic to mental health issues, and I understand the importance of taking time if we need it.
Yet, there is a failure to see that this also has an impact on their relationships. Unsurprisingly these people feel lonely, when they return. This leads to a period of intense socialisation, often with new people. But to cultivate truly valuable relationships, there needs to be a better level of reciprocity, even during ‘difficult’ periods.
I’ve made a conscious decision to spend less time with certain people, because I know that the energy flow was based upon only when the other person was available. Honestly, I’m recognising that I can do much better.
In a workplace setting, the one thing I never understood was how acceptable it became to simply not reply to emails. It’s a systemic failure – so many people don’t know how to manage their email inbox (despite spending over 30 hours a week in front of them, and will do so for the next 30 years). And so they miss crucial information. These are letting key opportunities go by, and it comes from a lack of recognising that sorting out your email inbox ought to be much, much higher a priority if you want to be more effective in your job.
These same people also want promotions. Sure, I’m not naive to the realities of how promotions work, in that it is often very much not meritocratic. Yet, it doesn’t hurt to actually demonstrate that you’re good at your job. And most fundamentally, it’s worthwhile to get to a place where you can actually manage your newfound responsibility because you’ve actually worked on your blind spots.
I replied to an Instagram story asking for advice in Brussels: they were visiting the week after. I received a response today – 3 weeks afterwards about something different (probably because they forgot about the request). It’s an extreme example, but it’s what we do so often.
The most successful people are the ones that realise that life is beyond just getting good at a single goal. It’s about building a wider life, and building ourselves as well-rounded, good human beings with a proper support system and life perspectives.
So take this as an opportunity to really look at how you’re showing up in your life. If you’re struggling with your goals or with finding clarity, it’s probably because you’re neglecting what other areas which are crying out for your attention.