I’ve felt a bit humbled this week. For all the returns of energy and activity over the last few months, over the last few days, I’ve felt really tired. I effectively cancelled any and all social plans.
On top of that, I’ve also had regular bouts of anxiety. It’s hard to place where exactly it’s coming from. I spoke to a doctor who tried to pin point what I’ve been worrying about. Nothing’s especially been on my mind, at least consciously anyway.
I could certainly find reasons if I look for them. And no doubt, they’ve played a part: health concerns in my family, fatigue from numerous tests and visits to the doctors, stresses and worries around politics (particularly the situation in Bangladesh).
Perhaps it’s also to do with the fact that September is now upon us. Usually I come back feeling refreshed after the summer lull, with a feeling of ‘back to school’. This year, my seasonal cues are missing, and I feel more lost and confused rather than energised.
At the same time, I can’t help but feel that sometimes we can fall into the trap of needing to explain everything. Maybe I’m not really meant to know exactly ‘why’ I’m feeling this way. One of the less fun things about burnout is that it’s an accumulation of fatigue over a period of time. What could also be the case is that certain things are being released from months ago, and it happens to be hitting me right now.
My current state also got me thinking about a question a coach once asked me. ‘What are you tolerating in your life right now?’. I’ve become very used to juggling so many different things, including simply accepting certain situations and draining emotions. Even now, where I feel anxiety, I really tend to downplay it. The people around me are usually quite surprised when I mention I’m having strong anxiety pangs, because I seem to be acting pretty normally.
Perhaps I’ve picked up the British ‘stiff upper lip’ – Keep Calm and Carry On. I hate the idea of cancelling plans, so I rarely do. (Or perhaps my neurodivergent brain hates changes in plans so tends to follow through to things I commit to, even when it’s not the best idea.)
Just because I can put up with a situation, doesn’t mean I need to be. I think the fact that I can function with levels of fatigue and drained emotional energy has led to this building up to the point it has become insurmountable. Eventually my body has been the one to tell me to stop.
The solution to all this isn’t really clear. Yet it also doesn’t need to be right now. The important thing right now is to rest, and let myself experience whatever I need to. If I try and fast track or skip this step, I’m doomed to repeat the cycle again.
The cleansing process isn’t always fun, but it is necessary.