In the quest for the nice feelings, we implicitly learn that the unpleasant feelings are bad. So we look to avoid the pain and sadness, after all, why feel those feelings when we can feel happy?
Many of us spend a lot of time avoiding things that make us uncomfortable, or look to distract ourselves when we are sad. Even when we are finally forced to face these feelings, we bare through it with gritted teeth.
We can spend time feeling sorry for ourselves, or being angry at the situation – why do I have to experience all this unpleasant stuff? Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else – do I not deserve it?
Alas, many of us lose sight in the beauty that comes with pain and suffering. Without the unpleasant emotions, there would be no balance to the pleasant ones. What joy can we truly have when we have not experienced some level of hardship to get there?
I have been reflecting on this theme as I have battled through a biting cough and severe sore throat over the last few days. In the past, this would be the cue for me to be frustrated at my body, and look at how inconvenient this all was.
But this time, I took time to appreciate what my body was telling me. It was time for me to slow down and heal. It was also my body’s cry for attention – it gives so much to me, and yet I take 99% of its active bodily functions for granted without even sparing a thought about them. I don’t even know how my digestive tract works, and the only reason I ever would is if I had a problem with it.
In the past, I would look to soldier through the illness. A supposedly urgent deadline would mean that I simply couldn’t indulge in a sick day. Unsurprisingly I ended up being more ill and needing more time to recover afterwards.
When I would get ill, I would fill myself with existential dread – why was I getting ill? Could it mean something really bad? Will I ever recover? The constant search for answers would drive me more sick as I could not properly rest.
This time, I had the most efficient recovery I ever had, and I only had two days out of work. It’s actually one I chalk up quite highly in my achievements over the last few months. I’m still not 100%, but I am moving towards there.
What helped me enormously was understanding the vital role of unpleasant feelings. My body is meant to hurt. It’s my body’s way of signalling something to me. And this is not just about physical pain, it is also about emotional pain too. I’m meant to feel sad. It’s my body’s way to regulate emotions and properly process loss or grief.
A friend remarked to me yesterday that my eyes looked different. I thought she meant because they were tired and worn down. But actually, she clarified to me that they looked better than they have done before. I checked for myself in the mirror and it was true – they look fresher than I ever remember them looking (even if accompanied by some tired bags!).
I remarked at an intensive 6 weeks ago that I didn’t seem to cry much because I had dry eyes. I thought that crying was just something I naturally didn’t do much of. But this was my own misconception. In reality it was the other way around – I had dry eyes because I had not been crying enough. Seemingly, at some point I learnt to ‘not cry’ as I went into adulthood.
As the days pass, I find the expression of sorrow come more natural to me, to the point that I welcome it as a friend. After all, it’s an important part of living the human experience. I’ve found myself getting teary more regularly as a natural part of this.
It’s been a release for my body – my eyes feel sharper and my body feels lighter. But better yet, by being comfortable with the unpleasant feelings, it enhances my gratitude for the pleasant ones. Suddenly the crisp air and the colourful leaves on the ground look ever more beautiful. Life seems simpler, and I feel more content.
So my invitation to you is looking at how you are dealing with your unpleasant feelings. Are you rejecting them as an unwelcome pest, or are you greeting them as friends?
When we learn to embrace our full range of emotions, we learn to truly live.
How are you responding to your unpleasant feelings?