Welcoming our unpleasant feelings as friends

Photo by Jay Castor on Unsplash

In the quest for the nice feelings, we implicitly learn that the unpleasant feelings are bad. So we look to avoid the pain and sadness, after all, why feel those feelings when we can feel happy?

Many of us spend a lot of time avoiding things that make us uncomfortable, or look to distract ourselves when we are sad. Even when we are finally forced to face these feelings, we bare through it with gritted teeth.

We can spend time feeling sorry for ourselves, or being angry at the situation – why do I have to experience all this unpleasant stuff? Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else – do I not deserve it?

Alas, many of us lose sight in the beauty that comes with pain and suffering. Without the unpleasant emotions, there would be no balance to the pleasant ones. What joy can we truly have when we have not experienced some level of hardship to get there?

I have been reflecting on this theme as I have battled through a biting cough and severe sore throat over the last few days. In the past, this would be the cue for me to be frustrated at my body, and look at how inconvenient this all was.

But this time, I took time to appreciate what my body was telling me. It was time for me to slow down and heal. It was also my body’s cry for attention – it gives so much to me, and yet I take 99% of its active bodily functions for granted without even sparing a thought about them. I don’t even know how my digestive tract works, and the only reason I ever would is if I had a problem with it.

In the past, I would look to soldier through the illness. A supposedly urgent deadline would mean that I simply couldn’t indulge in a sick day. Unsurprisingly I ended up being more ill and needing more time to recover afterwards.

When I would get ill, I would fill myself with existential dread – why was I getting ill? Could it mean something really bad? Will I ever recover? The constant search for answers would drive me more sick as I could not properly rest.

This time, I had the most efficient recovery I ever had, and I only had two days out of work. It’s actually one I chalk up quite highly in my achievements over the last few months. I’m still not 100%, but I am moving towards there.

What helped me enormously was understanding the vital role of unpleasant feelings. My body is meant to hurt. It’s my body’s way of signalling something to me. And this is not just about physical pain, it is also about emotional pain too. I’m meant to feel sad. It’s my body’s way to regulate emotions and properly process loss or grief.

A friend remarked to me yesterday that my eyes looked different. I thought she meant because they were tired and worn down. But actually, she clarified to me that they looked better than they have done before. I checked for myself in the mirror and it was true – they look fresher than I ever remember them looking (even if accompanied by some tired bags!).

I remarked at an intensive 6 weeks ago that I didn’t seem to cry much because I had dry eyes. I thought that crying was just something I naturally didn’t do much of. But this was my own misconception. In reality it was the other way around – I had dry eyes because I had not been crying enough. Seemingly, at some point I learnt to ‘not cry’ as I went into adulthood.

As the days pass, I find the expression of sorrow come more natural to me, to the point that I welcome it as a friend. After all, it’s an important part of living the human experience. I’ve found myself getting teary more regularly as a natural part of this.

It’s been a release for my body – my eyes feel sharper and my body feels lighter. But better yet, by being comfortable with the unpleasant feelings, it enhances my gratitude for the pleasant ones. Suddenly the crisp air and the colourful leaves on the ground look ever more beautiful. Life seems simpler, and I feel more content.

So my invitation to you is looking at how you are dealing with your unpleasant feelings. Are you rejecting them as an unwelcome pest, or are you greeting them as friends?

When we learn to embrace our full range of emotions, we learn to truly live.

How are you responding to your unpleasant feelings?

Take a stand for the power of your work

‘It’s not too bad’

‘I could have worked on it more’

‘Hopefully it will help’.

These are all phrases I’ve used when talking about my book, Make Diversity Matter to You. But what am I saying about myself if I am not really willing to believe in what I am creating?

I know that this experience is not unique to me. In the fear of being seen as arrogant, many of us shyly meander around when talking about our own creations. It feels much more comfortable to avoid the idea that what we have created might be good. After all, who are we to be special?

When we create something, we pour our heart’s and souls into it. We dedicate ourselves to our craft. We may labour for hundreds of hours. We often deeply want others to give a positive assessment of our work. But despite wanting this, we massively downplay people’s expectations. The irony is that by underplaying our work, we are undercutting it’s value. Who would want to look at a painting that the painter doesn’t think is nice to look at?

I’ve received a powerful message over the last few weeks about the importance of taking a stand for my own work. If I don’t tell people about the transformative effect reading my book can have, then less people are likely to read it. And even if they do, no one will read it with the idea that it can be so valuable.

I wrote my book because I wanted to positively change the way people understand and think about diversity. Many people feel too tentative to address the issue, or simply do not get it. By bringing a coaching approach, my book will help people understand their own perspectives and be active champions. This mindset shift will change the world.

But I will change nothing if nobody bothers to read the book because I don’t tell anyone I wrote it. Nor will my book make a shift in society if people buy a copy out of pity, simply to sit on their shelves as a nice souvenir.

‘I know the guy who wrote that book. I liked the cover, but I haven’t read it yet.’

My book will make a change by the way I enrol people into reading it. When I demonstrate the power it can have, I can gain the commitment of people to use the information and apply it to their lives, that’s where the real magic lies. What you do not lack is a source of information. But this is about transformation.

It’s not been particularly comfortable writing about my book in such a way. My sense of self-consciousness blares out at me like a foghorn. Yet for you it probably doesn’t feel out of place at all. Here is how our mind can play against our own potential.

The good news is that this becomes easier the more I do it. The more I speak about the transformational effect of my work, the more I embody it. The more I embody it, the more it happens.

So my invitation for you is simple. Be bold. Take a stand for your work.

You are powerful. What you create can make magic. But this will usually only happen when you truly believe in it for yourself. This is not arrogance. This is assurance.

I share my story to help others. And I also share my book as an example of how I embody what I talk about here. This is to create the change I want in the world.

If you would like to check out the book, here are the links below:

Amazon UK – https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon Fr (ships to Belgium) – https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon DE (ships to Belgium) – https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon US – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon AU – https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Life lesson 101: the more you give, the more you receive

This is article no. 101. So I thought I would share a life lesson 101: the more you give, the more you receive.

Giving is so powerful, yet we often get caught up in worrying about what is in it for us. Even when we want to be generous people, this falls away when we are stressed or lose sight of the bigger picture. When we get in the mindset of thinking about what we are taking, we lose sight of the reciprocal nature of humanity.

How often have we experienced that friend who only reaches out to us when they need something? We can label these people as the ‘takers’ – we learn their patterns, and quickly become suspicious whenever they sporadically contact us. ‘What do they want this time?’. Whether it’s money or one-way emotional support, the conversation is about them and their problems.

How strongly does that contrast to those incredibly valuable people who support us no matter what? These are the ‘givers’, and we know they are there for us when we need them. We value their friendship and counsel. They make time for us, even when they have issues themselves. They are people we would trust to honour their word.

We know who we prefer, and we also know who we would prefer to be as well. But how often do we truly commit to being the ‘givers’ versus the ‘takers’?

Many of us see ourselves as givers. Perhaps we are generous with our family, and we see ourselves as providers because we earn the money that pays the bills. This may be true, yet I also observe that many of us have blind spots depending on the different areas of our life.

For example, despite seeing ourselves as ‘nice’, we can be emotional takers when we are stressed. In a business setting, we may see it as ‘professional’ to be purely transactional, not realising that this is a form of taking rather than giving. Our conversations with people may be short and to the point.

My life has dramatically shifted once I realised this distinction of ‘giving’ and ‘taking’ and applying this across the whole of my life. Whilst I would work in jobs where I would ‘give’ a lot to help others, many of my relationships with friends and family were me ‘taking’.

I would put little effort in to fostering those relationships , and would often only reach out when prompted to, or when I needed something. I would bemoan not having people I could reach out to when I had a problem, yet I spent little time doing that for others.

Now, I spend far more time seeing how I can be helpful and generous to people. I’ve seen through the logical fallacies of expecting others to be warm and kind to me when I am not doing that for them. I also recognise that I can make the change I want in my life, rather than waiting for someone else to do it for me.

I wrote a post earlier this week about how I’ve given out over 30 copies of my book, Make Diversity Matter to You for free. Economically, this does not make sense. I’ve already spent more money giving out this book then I have earnt from sales.

But I recognise the universal law that the more I give, the more I receive. A book gifted means much more to the person receiving it than many other things I could do for them.

This isn’t a PR stunt either. The condition I give for people to take a copy is that they read it and apply it to their own life. I don’t ask them to publicise this book to friends or leave me 5 star reviews in return for a free copy. If they want to do that of their own volition, great. But that’s not really the point, and if I came with that expextation I would simply be ‘taking’ in a more creative way.

Writing my book has been a labour of love. I don’t know how long it really took me to write it, but I started in November 2020. It’s been a real learning journey. I got overwhelmed and stopped writing it for about a year. But in 2022 I was driven to complete it to make a positive impact in the world. This is a far more powerful motivator than the theorised ‘fame’ or ‘credibility’ I get from having a book with my name on the front.

I’m not pretending to be a selfless person. If anything, what I am doing is actually selfish. The reason I give more is that I know the benefits will come back to me eventually. Yet I’m also aware that the temptation can be to do what is easy, or what will benefit me in the short term. So I am choosing to be a ‘giver’ rather than a ‘taker’.

Some people inevitably want to buy the book even when I offer it for free, and I provide the option for them to do so. If you’d like a copy, I will share the links to the places where you can buy it. But I want this to be impactful. I believe the book will be incredibly powerful for you if you apply it to your life.

So when people have asked me if they can buy a copy to ‘support’ without the intention of reading it, I tell them not to bother. I don’t know anyone who needs another book sitting there left unread. That’s not helping anyone, and I don’t want to take their money for the sake of it.

So I’d invite you to examine your life and the different areas of it. Look at where you are giving, and celebrate it. See how powerful it is, and how much contentment and fulfilment this feeling gives you. Now look at where you are taking. Be honest with yourself. Where could you put more effort? Is it with your boss, partner, friends, family?

If you genuinely shift the areas where you are taking to ones where you are giving, the transformation in your life will be incredible.

Here are the links for the book. The book is available on Amazon from different storefronts depending on countries, link below:

Amazon UK – https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon Fr (ships to Belgium) – https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon DE (ships to Belgium) – https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon US – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon AU – https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Putting yourself out there is scary. But it is also incredibly rewarding

According to LinkedIn, this is my 100th article.

I had no idea I would do this many. Yet when writing becomes a habitual moment of joy, everything else just flows. If I had spent too much time focussing on writing 100 articles, rather than just enjoying writing, I doubt I would have made it to this many. Let’s see if I make it to 1000 articles!

The theme around ‘putting myself out there’ feels very appropriate. My first article back in August 2020 was a nervous foray to sharing my thoughts to a public audience. I am so glad I made the step to do it. It started a new source of contentment and a new identity for me as a writer.

Now I have this newsletter with over 1000 subscribers. It’s incredibly rewarding (as well as humbling) to hear from people every now and then about how they’ve been reading my articles each week. The funny thing is I have no idea that anyone reads them until they tell me!

This week has also been a new, nerve-wracking adventure. On Saturday, I published my book, Make Diversity Matter to You.

There isn’t anything quite as exposing as putting a piece of work out there with your name on it. I still feel free around whether the content is of a good enough quality, or whether I’m charging too much for the book. Despite knowing that people enjoy my writing, that early feedback of pre-release versions was positive and that I’m happy with the content, I still feel nervous.

But nervousness is not a reason to not do something. If anything, the feeling of nerves or fear is actually often a sign that it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. When we can tackle our fears head on, we experience exponential growth.

Even after I finished the book, part of me wanted to release the book without really promoting it. That way, if it wasn’t good enough, it wouldn’t matter. But this would be self-sabotaging. This book has been a two year side project for me that I wrote with care and attention. Deep down, I know this will really help people.

In the past I would hide away, only posting my personal reflections on LinkedIn as a ‘professional’ platform, and avoid telling friends and family about the things I would be doing. This was my own fear. I’m now being more public about my own creations than I ever have been. I’ve posted excerpts, which include honest, personal accounts of my experience taken from the book. I’ve shared this with people I’ve met in real life, as well as other ‘personal’ social media platforms.

The funny thing about fear is that once you face up to it, the things you’re scared about can melt away pretty quickly. I’ve been humbled by the amount of well wishes I’ve received from people. I didn’t really think people would care so much. Perhaps by making a genuine commitment to make things better in the world, I’ve inspired others. I’ve already had several conversations with people who by finishing my book I’ve now inspired them to get on with their books!

I’m not the first person to write a book, neither will I be the last. Even if the book is terrible, it doesn’t really matter that much anyway. And I don’t mean that in a nihilistic sense. I mean that I have the freedom to create whatever I want.

Once I take away my own doubts and fears, I can do some really cool things in my life. Cool things, like writing a book.

If you would like to see more about the book, check out the links to Amazon below (I’ve included different Amazon storefront for my international friends)

Amazon UK – https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon Fr – https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon DE – https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon US – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Amazon AU – https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0BMK13Q6C

Birthing the creation of a book – Make Diversity Matter To You

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

The events of the killing of George Floyd shocked the world, and triggered a renewed and profound focus around the Black Lives Matter movement. Although the events took place in the USA, it was clear that this was the tip of the iceberg on a long-awaited discussion about race issues across the world.

I was locked up during the pandemic when the events took place. But like many people, I was keen to do something. Also, like many people, I wasn’t really sure what I could really do to make a change.

Ironically, I was probably as well equipped as anyone. At least in terms of knowledge anyway. At the time, I was still working in the UK government. I had been chairing the departmental race and faith network for two years. I was successful with it – we were recognised for our excellent work and gained awards.

I had also shifted into a new role, where half of my time was working on diversity and inclusion for my group of 600 people. This was about promoting diversity and inclusion more broadly amongst numerous different teams and directorates. I was good at it as well. So the issue was not experience.

Within the department, there was a flurry of internal activity, including numerous discussions around race with a concrete action plan coming out of it. It was genuinely inspiring – our department had already done a lot around race. So rather than being a knee-jerk reaction to an external event, this was an emotionally-sensitive, considerate approach which was respectful but also action-oriented.

I also recognised that there was more I could do outside of my formal workplace. I was in the midst of qualifying as a transformational coach, and starting to be far more active on social media. I found a creative side of me through the writing of these articles, and slowly but surely I was unveiling the mask of ‘corporate worker’ to someone who was willing to speak in public spaces around these issues.

I woke up one morning and reflected about what built my success around diversity and inclusion. I used to have direct one-to-one conversations with my director-general. I learnt that rather than looking to constantly push the agenda at them, it was really important to understand the person in front of me and help them see why this was important, and what role they can play. No doubt qualifying for a coach was all a part of this.

This was an approach that I didn’t see many diversity and inclusion practitioners taking. Whilst many are extremely passionate, I saw them trying to push ever-harder at the door. This often led to resistance from the organisation, and burnout for the practitioners. From my experience, I found open and collaborative conversations to be an extremely powerful way to shift hearts and minds. Senior leaders are humans too, after all.

Then, in November 2020 I had an idea to write a book. I even posted about it in a blog back then, with the rather ambitious goal to write it in one month. I had a spurt of inspiration one morning about creating the ‘CUBE’ model: looking at people’s Culture, Upbringing, Biases and (Lived) Experiences. The idea of the model was to give some basic prompts (what culture do you come from? how important is this for you?) to help people understand the importance of diversity for themselves. I’ve since run this in workshops and found it worked really well.

And so I started with plenty of enthusiasm. I got pretty far too. But then I ran out of things to say. Once I got past the section of my experiences and the CUBE model, I didn’t know how to take the book deeper to something more transformational for the reader. For the book to be truly life-changing, I wanted it to be a deeply shifting experience.

This year, I found what I wanted to say. I am experiencing a profound shift in the way I am living my life. A big part of this was reading the book, The Ultimate Coach. This details the life of Steve Hardison and how we can live into Being who we want to be each and every day. It sounds simple enough, but it is about how we live our lives when nobody is watching, and how we want to create the people we are being.

The prompt to reading this book was that I attended the London Ultimate Event in April 2022, where Steve Hardison was speaking. It was filled with hundreds of incredible, open people, many of whom were coaches.

It was actually there that I spoke to a friend. He was handing me a copy of his book, on the promise I read it. It is there that I spoke to him about the fact I had this half written-book.

We have a recording where he asked me whether I was willing to commit to finishing it. After some deliberation, I said yes. During the recording, he wanted to commit me deeply. And so, he asked me when I wanted to complete it by. After some deliberation, I said I thought I could complete it by March 2023.

He said, okay, but can you do it in half the time? I was taken aback but thought about it – yes that seemed possible. I said potentially – he said we do not do ‘potentially’.

After a bit of back and forth, he asked whether I could have it written by 20th November – his birthday. So in the end, I agreed. As a man of commitment, my book is now finished and is available to preorder on Amazon currently, with a release date on Kindle for 19th November.

It makes for a fun story, but this is also about committing to action. I committed to finishing a version of the book by 20th November. Whilst I could have made excuses or delayed the deadline, I decided not to. It was important for me to uphold my commitments. For myself, rather than anyone else.

The book itself is a manifestation of my commitment to love and serve others. I wrote it with the genuine will to help people understand the topic of diversity and inclusion for themselves. I truly believe that the book will be a powerful tool to help anyone who picks it up to understand themselves better and be an actor for change.

So if you’re interested in knowing more about it, feel free to drop me a message.

You can check out the site page on Amazon where I’ll be self-publishing. The Kindle edition is currently available to pre-order, but there will be a paperback version on the site shortly.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BKTPPY1K?ref_=pe_3052080_276849420

There is no past. There is no future. There is only now.

Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash

I generally like to keep on top of my work, but recently I’ve found myself procrastinating. Sometimes I know a deadline isn’t coming for a while, so I can put it off. I believed that the time to do it was sometime in the future.

In fact, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the things I am meant to do in the future, even in moments when I can’t do anything about it. I’ve spent more time than I care to count worrying about things I’m meant to do, even though the worrying is not helping me at all.

But it’s not just the future – it’s also the past. I found myself lingering around past thoughts. A conversation someone had with me. I relive the frustration or anger, as if it were happening today. Suddenly these emotions are seeping into the feelings I’m having right now.

Most of us tend to see-saw between these alternate realities. Either we are stuck in the past, or wondering about the future. But what if neither of them actually exist?

The past only exists in our memories which we bring into the present through our current thoughts. The future can permeate in all sorts of different ways that we cannot predict, and yet we spend a whole lot of time thinking about it. Think about the things that you might have worried about – how often have you found that they didn’t actually happen? For me, it is most of the time.

If there is no past or future, it only leaves the now. Now is a beautiful, powerful place in which we can create whatever we want, and we can do it. Right here, right now.

By taking the emphasis away from what might have happened in the past or what might happen in the future, we take control of our own destinies. It stops us from creating our lives based upon the past. It also stops us from putting off making changes in our life to some distant future. We can do these things now.

Author and Coach Steve Chandler talks about non-linear time management. The idea behind it is that we work only in the now. If the action is something we can do, we do it now. If we cannot do it now, then there is no point in thinking about it.

This mindset shift has been a revelation for me. I’ve found a newly gained freedom from life. I’ve found the walks I’ve been on recently some of the most joyous moments of my life. Not because anything particularly profound happened, but because I’m increasingly letting go of the illusion of the past and future. When I return to the fact that there is only now, I can really just be. From here, enjoying life is easy. When I have a task to do, I just do it. When it’s done, I don’t have to worry about it.

A big shift was realising that thinking about the future actually does nothing to change it. All it does is leave me feeling less happy and more anxious. From this place, I’m less likely to actually do the thing I wanted to.

For the past, forgiveness is key. When we can learn to truly forgive, we can forget. It leaves us feeling way lighter. We can then be ready to embrace the now fully.

The irony is that it’s been there the whole time. In the same way it is available for me, it is available to you and everyone else.

There is no past. There is no future. There is only now.

Living life more intuitively – an impromptu trip to Paris

I’ve been having a lot of insights about my life this week. Travel can really help – it gives us a chance to get out of our daily rhythm and notice our own habitual patterns. Last weekend I went to Paris.

The decision to go for two days to Paris was quite spontaneous. I went to Stockholm a few weeks ago and enjoyed the space of exploration, so I thought it would be good to have another opportunity to travel. Rather than leaving that to some distant future, I decided to book this impromptu trip for only two weeks later.

I’d previously studied in Paris too for a year in 2013, so perhaps I felt some level of calling to return. I thought it would be a good opportunity to take in some nostalgia whilst also enjoy a whimsical tour around the city.

My experience was different to what I expected. I thought I would plan out my time there and jump around the different ‘cool’ spots to see. I did go and see the Eiffel Tower, but in the end the majority of my time was actually just spent walking around the city.

On Sunday, I was planning to head into a few of the museums. When I saw the queue for the Louvre, I followed my gut to head across the bridge towards the Musée d’Orsay instead. But half-way down, I started getting a few different flashbacks of my time sitting by the banks of the Seine in the evenings. I followed my feet. I ended up walking down the banks by the side of the seine. I enjoyed a fun exploration of the arts and book stalls (where I spent quite a lot of money on different pieces..) as well as just recalling different memories of the city.

Some memories were more light-hearted. I remembered seeing the Louvre in the early morning after a night out, when it was completely empty. The light was just rising and the streets were so empty. The glass pyramid looked so still and impressive. It was a completely different scene to the one I came across – filled with tourists queueing to get in, with the hustle and bustle of street sellers and people taking pictures.

I also walked past Les Halles – a big shopping centre right in the middle of the city. I was confused to see it actually complete, in my mind it had always been a construction site, so to see it as a fully-fledged mall was a surprise. I wondered in to see an advert saying ‘Follow-nous’ on social media. I imagined someone from the Acédemie Française probably had a heart attack from seeing that!

I took a turn down Le Marais, which is also close by. I suddenly had memories of a student job I had – English-speaking babysitting. I remember picking up a 6 year old from school here. That child had behavioural issues, so I have no idea why the parents wanted to also teach him English when he was failing school. My sense was that there was no discipline in his life, but I only saw part of the picture.

I don’t particularly miss those days. A lowpoint was when this child went to the toilet and presumably(?) was not properly potty trained. It was at the point where I had to wipe the backside of this child that I realised I wasn’t being paid enough. Funny to reflect now at how much had changed for me since.

I also had more intense memories. I walked back past the place I used to live. I had a rush of pretty heavy emotions – something I didn’t expect. Although I remember getting a lot out of my time in Paris, I had pushed away some of the more negative memories. There were long stretches of feeling isolated and stressed around money and studies. Like many men, I internalised my feelings and thought the best way to deal with these things were to handle it for myself.

I didn’t particularly reach out to friends or family about these things either. It was surprisingly emotional. But returning to the place was particularly valuable for me. It let me revisit parts of my past which were buried somewhere. Sometimes we have to revisit these emotions to realise they are there. From there, we can accept and let them go. The process leaves us feeling lighter.

This made me reflect about how I ended up coming to Paris in the first place. There was no particular reason I decided to come back, yet I ended up doing it anyway. My walk around town was not my usual ‘planning’ self, instead it was me following my own intuition.

I’ve come to the conclusion that something within me led me to return to Paris. It was an important part of my own journey to grow and heal. Whilst my mind did not plan it, my intuition knew that there was something for me to uncover.

This was one of the first times I hadn’t properly planned a trip. Instead, this was me wondering around and seeing where the path would lead me. In stark contrast, whenever I had previously visited a place I would usually build myself a tight itinerary of museums and places to visit. I would usually criss-cross around a city to get the ‘most’ out of a visit.

Instead, I slowed down and let my wisdom guide me. Yes, there were things that might have been nice to see. I did go to the Louvre the next day, but I took it slowly. I could have gone to see more museums, or even to see different parts of the city like Montmartre to see the view again. But when I realised that I have my whole lifetime to enjoy these different sites, I realised that there was no real benefit in rushing. All I was doing was losing the enjoyment of the moment.

I see my trip to Paris as part of my shift towards living more intuitively, compared to the mind-driven planning with which I have been directing much of my life. Whilst the mind can be a powerful tool to comprehend complex and detailed questions, our intuition can comprehend much bigger things. I see our intuition as bringing the link of our mind with the wider understanding of our body and spirit.

In our logic-driven society, we lose sight of the power of intuition. The quiet, knowing voice of ourselves often gets drowned out by the busy mind. But when we know, we know. Our minds can sometimes fall into overthink or anxiety, but deep down we have the answer to all the questions we have in life.

My trip to Paris was just an instance of me following my own intuition. But the rewards I got for it will be far more impactful than the additional photos I could have taken from rushing to visit more parts of the city.

The lesson I have learnt this week is that the more I find myself tapping into my intuition, the more I am finding I have a guidance of what to do in life. It is a powerful tool that we all have inside of us.

Intuition is always there. All we have to do is listen for it.

How to keep the joy in the activities you enjoy

Photo by Rille Camera Strap on Unsplash

I woke up this morning at 6:40 for a yoga class starting 30 minutes later. When I woke up, I felt heavy – I still am not sleeping amazingly and I didn’t have a whole lot of will to actually go. Despite this, I went anyway, but I wouldn’t say I particularly enjoyed it. I was tired, and my mind was waiting for it to end from the beginning.

I was speaking to someone recently about this phenomenon – the trap where we programme ourselves to stop enjoying the things that we actually usually like. We reminisce about the excitement we had before, but now the idea of doing the task feels like a chore, or another item on the to-do-list which doesn’t fit into what we see as our busy schedules.

The funny thing is that the activity doesn’t really change much. The yoga class I did was the same Friday morning class I’ve done for months. Yet the energy I was bringing into it was heavy and lethargic. Unsurprisingly I didn’t feel particularly fulfilled when the class ended, instead I just had some sense of relief that it was over. It was hardly the joyful sense of achievement I often get when doing a morning class.

So why is it that if the class is the same, the outcome is completely different?

It’s all about me. Just like it is all about you. We get to decide how we show up to a session. My mind was not particularly focussed, and I found myself thinking about what I had to do later in the day whilst in class. When I am in a space of tranquillity and stillness, I’m able to fully experience the joy that the things I like give to me. I wasn’t in that state today.

So what can we do? Well firstly, it’s important to identify the fact that the way something makes us think and feel is the determining factor, rather than the activity itself. We can make any activity either the most enjoyable or most painful if we bring that energy into it.

I recall a cold call I got earlier this week. It was for an offshore investment, or something of the sort. I had a similar call a few months ago, and I ended up getting annoyed by the guy and ending it quite abruptly. This time, I wanted to simply enjoy the interaction, whatever it was. I actually decided to have a little fun.

“Hi Tahmid, my name is X. I’m calling from XYZ company. How are you doing today?”

“Hi X, I am doing well thank you, for asking. In fact, I am going through an intense transformation in my life as I re-evaluate what I would like to do and how I want to be in it. I am going through numerous shifts including with my living arrangements with a new housemate moving in. I am also committing to be a better person in my life through how I interact with people which has felt a challenging but humbling experience and makes me realise where I can do better.”

I did this because I was amused to see what the response of the guy on the other end would be. To his credit he tried to respond to it, but I don’t imagine that response was on his sales script!

I told a few people about this as one of my funny stories of the week. I made what could have been an annoying phone call actually one of my highlights. The difference was the energy I brought into it.

So how does this all relate to the activities that you do? Well, it means that keeping our mind open and curious is the best way to enjoy the things we do. When we are enjoying life and willing to have fun with it, everything just feels so much easier.

When I began writing these articles, I really enjoyed the opportunity to express my creativity. It was great – until I made it a thing *I had to do*. It then became a chore, and I went through a period of lacking creativity. I ended up stopping for several months. After a break, I restarted. I learnt the importance of enjoying the process, and not getting too bogged down with it all. I’ve written weekly articles now for probably a few months. When I haven’t written one, I usually get an itch (like I did this morning). It doesn’t feel like a chore, instead it feels like an opportunity to express what is happening in my life. Basically, it’s fun to write.

So if you are finding that you are not enjoying something that you usually do, it’s most likely not about the activity itself, but how you are doing. If your thoughts are making it a burdensome or complicated activity, your response will be a natural repulsion to the idea. But when you let go of the negative thoughts that you might bring into the situation, and take the activity is at its face value, the joy of it will return.

So if I can leave you with one tip, it is to move away from the thinking about what you have to do, and instead just diving straight into it. That way, you don’t have to bring all the excess baggage into it. From there, you can enjoy it to your hearts content.

What activity are you doing that you enjoy?

Prioritising the important over the urgent

This week I travelled to Stockholm. Although work trips are an exciting opportunity to travel, I must admit I wasn’t particularly energised by the idea. I’ve been somewhat worn out over the last few weeks. I had just travelled to London, I had a fairly intense work period and I’ve had to do quite a few tasks with contracts for my apartment.

But it was important for me to go. From a professional perspective, I attended a conference which was extremely rewarding. I ended up meeting at least 5 key contacts who I had previously emailed but never met in person. I also spoke to new people with fascinating perspectives. In all, I probably got several months’ worth of knowledge in the space of a few days.

And for me personally, it was also an opportunity to go out and see more of the world. Travel can be enriching for the soul, and taking new culture can be deeply inspiring. I’m really glad that I managed to have some time to go to the Vasa Museum. which holds the warship Vasa.

The ship sank on its maiden voyage in 1628. The ship was commissioned by the Swedish King to demonstrate Sweden’s power. It was to be a massive, impressive ship with 72 cannons and over 450 staff.

Unfortunately, whilst the ambition was sky-high, the planning didn’t match it. The boat was built too thin, and the weight of the cannon were extremely cumbersome. The ship’s short voyage out the dock only lasted around 30 minutes. It tilted so far water started flooding in. The ship had barely made it outside of its harbour in Stockholm.

333 years later the Vasa was found and pulled out of the water. It is 98% original, and over 40,000 artefacts were found buried in the sea.

Both travelling to Stockholm and taking time to visit the museum were me realising what was important, over what was urgent. For my work, it was extremely beneficial for me to leave my day-to-day grind and meet people in a new environment. I could have succumbed to thinking it would be too much effort, or perhaps a lonely experience as I was travelling solo. But going out of my comfort zone landed me with a world of opportunity which I would not have come across otherwise.

Even when I landed in Stockholm, I could have just sat in my hotel to catch-up on emails. After all, there were quite a few ‘urgent’ tasks. I could have told myself that I didn’t want to fall behind on work. Yet, what is the point in travelling to a vibrant city when there is no time to learn from the experience?

In reality, few tasks are genuinely urgent. In the working world, we create workplans and deadlines. These are important to overcome inertia and to drive a project forward. And yet, when is it really that big of a deal when a single ‘urgent’ action is delayed?

The irony is that people who are constantly focussing on the urgent tend to be ones who are finding it hardest to meet them. Those people who can balance the important activities with the urgent ones can bring much-needed perspective. It can also break the of a hamster-wheel cycle of work.

To give a concrete example, I am a huge advocate for proper file structuring, perhaps to the point I’m rather pedantic on the point. I saw this as an important piece of work, because I realised how the effort of spending a few hours organising files correctly would improve efficiency exponentially. Now, when someone asks me for a document, I can find it within 10-15 seconds. The same goes for my team. This is in stark contrast to having to dig around files and cause more stress, which I see soaking up a whole lot of time for others.

But this is not just about our work lives. If we are too busy to invest quality time into our relationships, family and friends we will find ourselves increasingly distanced. We’ve all seen marriages break down over a lack of intent; it is due to the urgent tasks constantly taking over the time spent with a spouse. It can also show up as burnout, which can often mean someone disappearing for a few weeks on sick leave or simply grinding through at low levels of output.

The person who can balance the important activities with the urgent can keep themselves and their relationships happy and healthy. When life hits hard times, they have a good networks of friends, and they can see that there is more to life than the next email.

When you move to a state of focussing on what is truly important, the shift in your life will be truly transformational.

How much are you prioritising the important over the urgent?

Mistakes interviewees make – from a panellist’s point of view

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

In the last two months I’ve been doing various interviews for roles within our office. It made me reflect at how jarring the interview experience can be for someone who may be looking for a new role, particularly if you’re just starting your career.

Interviews are a weird dance of assessing a candidate, usually filled with a set of corporate speak that can feel quite alien if you’re not familiar with it already. It took me a long time to understand what was really asked for in interviews for office jobs. Now, on the other end of the table it’s interesting to observe how different people come out in practice. So I thought I’d share these reflections which might help you avoid the pitfalls if you’re in the midst of applying for a new role.

It’s important to highlight the point of an interview. The aim is to see whether someone would do well in a role, whilst also creating a process that allows fairness to assess a candidate’s ability. But beyond that, it’s also a sense check of whether a person seems like one that would work well within the team. We also wanted to check that the role was appropriate for the individual noting their career aspirations and interest.

Here are some of the pitfalls I saw:

Being uncomfortable talking about oneself

Many people are uncomfortable talking about their own achievements. This is problematic when the point of an interview is to highlight why an individual is the best for the job. This often shows up in constantly highlighting what the team had done, rather than them as an individual. Individuals also use words like ‘I’m quite good at…’ – saying ‘quite’ devalues their own skills and experience. If there was any time to be bold about your strengths, it’s in an interview. If you don’t know what your unique selling point is, it’s going to be hard to convince the panel.

Getting stressed around minor details

I recall speaking to someone about the exact words they put in the email when sending a CV and cover letter. I get it, we’ve all been there. We don’t want to make a glaring mistake that causes an issue. But whether you address the inbox as Sir/Madam or Dear Hiring Manager doesn’t ultimately make too much difference. What hiring managers are interested in is whether you can do the job. Obviously if you put something overtly offensive that will undoubtedly be an issue, but anything beyond that doesn’t really matter.

Not really knowing the role or the organisation

When interviewing for a role, some individuals get caught out somewhat when asked about why they applied for the role, or why they wanted to work at an organisation. On the one hand, I am sympathetic that it is hard to become an expert on a whole organisation for each interview, particularly when people often have lots of different interviews at a time. On the other hand, it’s a fairly basic question that you will get asked in pretty much any interview. So it’s worth prepping a good answer for this.

An additional tip would be to anticipate what questions you think you might be asked. Although each organisation will do interviews differently, there are fairly typical staple questions like career ambitions, questions around skills and experience and other areas which will probably come up (unless the organisation specifically tells you that the interview will be organised differently).

Self-sabotaging quirks and self awareness

I saw a few self-sabotagers in an interview, which was a bit uncomfortable to watch. Some got extremely stressed by some computer issues whilst we were doing online calls. To note, most employees are very used to hiccups on voice calls by now, so it’s really not a big deal. Another issue was that they may not quite get the social cue that a question about something did not require a 10 minute response. From the point of view of an interviewer, it makes me nervous when someone is spending so much time speaking because we may run out of time to actually ask all the questions.

Giving a reason not to hire the person

Another issue was where candidates would essentially highlight that they did not have the experience for the role, making it fairly easy to put another candidate above them in the pecking order. I would also recommend not saying that you would understand if the interviewers went for another candidate – I saw this and just thought to myself how it was making it easier for me to choose someone else over this person. You are doing yourself a disservice if you make it easier for them to not hire you!

These are my tips – are there any I’ve missed?