The state of your room indicates the state of your life

Photo by Krystal Black on Unsplash

For the last few weeks, I’ve been putting off tidying my room. For example, when I came back from my recent trip from the UK, it took me a week before I unpacked and moved my mini suitcase. It lay in the middle of the room like an obstacle course.

The rather ridiculous thing was that I was coming from my parent’s home, meaning everything inside was already washed and clean, so packing it away would take me less than five minutes.

My state of mind betrays the way that I’ve been living my life. When I am too busy to take care of basic things around the house, I am in a constant mode of doing. I’ve felt quite tired and lethargic after spending each day running on my self-created task treadmill, so I’ve generally not ‘felt like’ cleaning up.

But having a mess in my room has a negative effect on my sleep, as it is harder to relax. This in turn perpetuates the mediocre sleep cycle.

This seems very obvious now. This weekend, I changed my bed sheets for the first time in what feels like ages, to the point I am somewhat embarrassed to admit it. The feeling of having clean sheets makes such a difference in being able to relax at night.

From a practical perspective, this negative sleep cycle does not help us. But more importantly, it highlights what we are saying about ourselves. Generally, I am someone who likes to keep a relatively clean living environment (I’m not a perfectionist but I don’t like living like a slob either). Yet when I’ve been in the mode of constantly being busy, I’ve let my standards slip.

Our lack of discipline in personal and environmental hygiene is an indication of how we are currently seeing ourselves. Where we see our health and wellbeing as a priority, we keep up clean, healthy environments. When we focus on getting other things done, it demonstrates that we are putting our tasks over taking care of ourselves.

The funny thing is that these signs have shown up in multiple places. My body has been giving me signals – when I am stressed I sometimes develop eye twitches, and this has been pronounced in the last few days. I’ve also been speaking to my own coach about my energy levels because I’ve felt more worn out. I’ve felt tired and wanted to take naps during the day, whilst normal tasks have felt more mentally draining than usual. The signs have all been there, even if I haven’t been willing to properly acknowledge them.

What has changed my perspective on prioritising myself is realizing that without me being at my best, I am far less potent in all the things I do. Athletes spend as much time exercising as they do resting.

Without proper rest, we are not nearly as potent as we can be. When I hosted an impromptu barbecue on Monday, I felt my energy levels being pretty low. It wasn’t terrible, but both the energy I gave out and the enjoyment I got from the event was lower than it would have been otherwise.

This also applies to our work lives. Where we are tired and stressed, our energy is mediocre. We are less effective with people, and our results come out average. Challenging tasks can feel overwhelming, and we can fall into a cycle of exhaustion.

Each day starts from our bedrooms, and if we are ‘too busy’ to tidy this up, then we will stay in the perpetual state of busy for the rest of the day.

But when we are calm and relaxed, we take the time to naturally improve our surroundings anyway. It’s no coincidence that I tidied up my place when I had a free weekend. Slowing down my mind returns me to my basic instinct – to keep a well-preserved, neat place around me.

So take this article as an invitation to view your surroundings. Start with your bedroom, but also look at the rest of your living/working spaces. If they feel busy, they’ll make you feel busy. This is not optimal for your wellbeing and productivity.

The 30-60 minutes of tidying will pay exponential dividends, so take the time to do it.

Plant the seeds for the life you want to live

Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now.

Last weekend, I was hosting an interview as part of the Ultimate Coach Book Instagram series. I’ve been taking up a semi-regular spot on it, and the aim of the series is to explore how the book, The Ultimate Coach, has transformed people’s lives. It’s a book that I first year a year ago, and have re-read several times since.

One of the concepts we talked about was around ‘planting seeds’. The Ultimate Coach is about a man named Steve Hardison – though the point of the book is to read it about your own life, rather than a biography of him. I attended The Ultimate Experience event in London last year, where I heard Steve speak more about this idea.

Our lives are created based upon the seeds we are planting. If we want a field of sweetcorn, we better plant sweetcorn seeds. That makes sense for us logically, but this also applies to what we want in life. For example, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want a happy, positive and fulfilling life. So the best thing to do is plant happy, positive and fulfilling seeds. It is very simple, yet very effective.

Many of us want these things – happiness, success, love, money or any other number of things. Yet the seeds we plant are the opposite. What we plant is frustration, unhappiness, scarcity and defeatist seeds instead. Unsurprisingly we then get these things in our life.

The biggest mindset shift I have had is realising that I am creating my life, whether I am conscious of it or not. Where I am spending time being angry or upset, I am building that into the creation of my life. If I spend 90% of my time focussing on things that make me unhappy, I am planting unhappiness seeds, which will grow into unhappiness trees.

It takes some time to recognise our patterns. Fortunately, many of us realise at some point that we are unhappy. Unfortunately, if we recognise this, our mind can create justifications through ‘rational reasoning’ that these negative feelings are necessary. For example, I used to have the belief that to be successful I had to be unhappy. My mind somewhere filled in the blanks that successful people are generally unhappy, so to make an impact in the world I had to live in misery. My implicit thinking was that once I had reached my success, had the money and created an easier life, then I could finally enjoy life.

I am glad I found the world of coaching and personal development without needing to spend another 20 years of my life before debunking this way of thinking. The reality is that there is no end-point where things magically change. I was planting misery seeds, and in 20 years time I would have realised that I was still miserable despite the fantasy salvation awaiting me at the end of the rainbow.

The incredible shift in my life has been realising that I can create what I want in my life, and I can create it now. For a long time I felt quite powerless around keeping an active social life. I felt like I did not have a frequent connection with the people I knew, so I felt quite restricted with pursuing social activities.

Last year, I reached out to more people than I probably have ever done. I set a clear intention of investing in relationships, and I took the time to meet up with people. Where in the past I would give these up because I might have felt ‘too tired’, I gave these a priority.

Rather than be a victim to my circumstance, I created the social connections that I wanted. And the results have transformed how I feel about the relationships around me. I had a moment last week where I had a wave of contentment hit me. I realised I was happy with my social life and life in Brussels. I planted the seeds, and although it took a bit of time, the seeds are bearing fruit.

The funny thing is that the biggest shift has been in myself. I am so much more used to reaching out to people now, that when I meet someone new it feels far easier than it ever did before. There is an ease in me that I previously did not know was possible.

The best bit is that this idea of planting seeds is available in any aspect in our lives. Want to make more money? Plant the seeds – this could be via picking up new skills or building professional relationships. It could also be in your love life – either to find a new partner or deepen your relationship. This is not about finding quick wins. It is about cultivating change over a longer time period. This will have a far greater impact.

You can create what you want in life. And you can start now.

Our language creates how we experience the world

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

This week, I’ve been in several conversations about the massive power language has in the way we live our life.

Over the last year, I’ve done a lot of work on myself to become more conscious about the words I use. It was my own coach who first picked up on this in my language. at first I thought the idea of him nit-picking as quite pedantic. Looking back on it now, I am extremely grateful for the shifts I’ve made.

The language we use is the way we create our reality. For example, if we say that the meeting we’re going to have this afternoon is going to be ‘tedious’ or ‘boring’, we are already creating this to be how we are going to experience it. I’ve been far more mindful in the way I have been prejudging situations. Holding off on these labels has meant I show up in situations far more open. This in of itself is a massive lesson.

But the power of language goes even deeper. The way we describe events can cause emotional reactions which frame our wider worldview. I was recently in a meeting to discuss some of the political shifts happening in the world, and what this meant for the climate movement. The words I frequently heard were around the ‘threats’ and ‘dangers’ of the changes taking place. I remarked at how hard it is to not feel my cortisol levels rise from hearing these words. It did not serve me or anyone to have a level headed conversation.

The irony was that the conversation later stemmed to how we can better engage those who we do not necessarily agree with, and how us people working in the climate space can come across as ‘elite’ or ‘know-it-alls’. I remarked that if we are spending our time painting those who disagree with us as enemies using battlefield imagery, it is no wonder that we will find it hard to have an engaging, open conversation.

Language also relates to the way we talk about ourselves. This week, I posted about a conversation I had with someone around the word ‘try’. When we say we will try to do something, we are casting doubt on whether we will follow through on our word. The more damaging part is that it only serves to make us doubt our own ability to accomplish what we want to.

I’ve seen the spiralling negative effects that ‘try’ can have. We start by saying that we will try to do something. This half-hearted commitment means that we fail to accomplish what we said we would do. This makes us doubt ourselves even more, so we become even more afraid to commit. We end up using words like ‘I might’ or ‘I’ll try’ more often. We learn to not trust ourselves because we can see how often we don’t follow through in our actions.

The shift I’ve made is to cut out ‘trying’ from the majority of my vocabulary. It means I have to be clear on what I am going to do, or not going to do. I fence-sit far less, and it means I show up in the world as far more dependable than I did in the past. The results have been fabulous, and this is the happiest I’ve been in areas such as my social life, because I am clear when I will see people.

Another word to look out for is ‘should’. Often this word is used on others – that person should be more polite, respectful, caring etc. When we use ‘should’ we are coming from a place of judgement. We are putting standards on other people based upon our world view.

The more time we spend judging, the less time we spend understanding. Telling people what they should do is making an attack on their decision-making skills, as well as their personal autonomy. Unless we are actually courtroom judges, it’s not our job to tell people what they should be doing. On top of this, people rarely like being told what they ‘should’ do. It’s ineffective, and if you’re looking to bring a behavioural change in someone, this approach rarely actually works. Ironically, we use it all the time anyway.

The more damaging thing about ‘should’ is that it creates a universal judgement of what is right or wrong. When we think that someone else should be polite, we are also placing that judgement on everyone – including ourselves. I wrote an article last year about how the more we judge others, the more we judge ourselves. Spending our day talking about what others ‘should’ do puts ever-more standards onto ourselves, and it is hard to live under the pressure of these rules we have inadvertently made.

This often manifests to us talking about what we ‘should’ be doing. I hear this a lot when I first talk with people around coaching. The irony is that the only person deciding what we ‘should’ be doing is us. The self-judgement doesn’t help us. Yet without realising, we find ourselves doing it anyway. Telling ourselves we ‘should’ be doing something is negative and draining. It is not effective for changing our behaviour. Instead, we can shift it to what we want to do, which feels lighter and more fun.

Language is powerful. So much about a person can be picked up simply by how they use words in their speech. When we clean our language up, we clean ourselves up. The way we show up in the world dramatically shifts.

How do you use language in your life?

The power of asking for what you really want

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash
Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

I’ve been taking a more direct approach to asking for what I want. LinkedIn is a great example of where this works, but really it exists in any facet of life.

A coach recently suggested that I reach out to somebody else to have a conversation. They were doing similar things – they had written a book and had done a lot of public speaking. They were a few steps ahead of where I am at. It was obvious that I could really benefit from this person’s knowledge, but they were also someone I had never met. They also sounded quite impressive, so I had no idea if they would respond.

I’ve been looking to be more proactive in doing what I say, so I just went ahead and sent a connection request, followed by a message. They responded within an hour. I then asked if we could have a conversation because I would love their advice. By the end of the day, we had booked something in the week later. The conversation itself was really helpful, but the biggest lesson was realising that connecting with someone was far easier to organise than I thought it would be.

We as humans are predisposed to help others. When someone asks for help, our natural tendency is to want to help them, even with people we don’t know.

I recently was in a social setting where I had a stranger coming up to me asking if I could help them with something. My initial response was that yes, I’d love to (if I could!). It then turned out that they were asking about whether I knew how to buy cocaine, so not really one I could help with! But it was notable how quick my own response was to see how I could help them, even without knowing what they wanted.

What I’ve also learnt is that there are a lot of people who are very successful and are very keen to help people where they can. Usually, these people have received their own support to get to where they are, so they are keen to play a role to help others. Their time is short, but they know their experience can really make a difference.

What often holds us back from making these requests in the first place is our thinking around the issue. We can create such fantastical stories about why someone could not or would not want to help. It essentially means that we don’t ask in the first place. A single request can open up our world, and we are doing ourselves a disservice by not asking.

Before you start making requests, there are a few things to bear in mind. Firstly, It is important that a request be something that someone can realistically help you with. Whilst there is nothing wrong with being bold with a request (i.e. asking for a lot), if it is something that someone cannot help you with, the answer will almost always be no.

For example, I would not ask a friend with no electrical experience to rewire the electrics in my house. Aside from being a bit confused why I would be asking them, they also would have no idea what to do.

Another issue is that people ask for things without really knowing what they want. When going to someone for help (particularly when their time is limited) the requests can be so vague that it’s hard to respond. I’ve received messages in the past where someone would ask for advice in something as broad as on what they should go to university or what to do for their careers. I have no problem with someone asking me for help. However, without giving any context or more information about themselves, I find it difficult to answer any of these questions.

So much depends on an individual’s personal circumstance, and it can sometimes feel like they are outsourcing their decision-making rather than looking to learn from my experience. In these instances, I would recommend instead asking for a conversation rather than some blanket advice which is neither particularly useful, nor easy to give effectively.

It is also important to make requests without coming from a place of neediness or expectation. I’ve received requests online from people who ask for something, then explain why they really need me to help them. This comes across as a mix of entitlement and/or judgmental if I don’t help them.

Remember, a request is something that someone can say ‘no’ to. If you’re expecting the person to say ‘yes’, then you are making an expectation, not a request. If you are bringing this energy, would I actually want to help you?

Another form of this can be asking for advice, but then not liking what the person tells you. People can sometimes go for advice because they want their opinions validated. I have sometimes said things that people do not want to hear, and they have responded being upset with me.

Bold, clear requests are extremely powerful. Taking the time to write a clear message setting out why you are approaching this person, what you would like from them and how grateful you would be for their support is an extremely potent combination.

I’ve seen a complete shift in my results. I went from having at least half a dozen overdue ‘catch-ups’ all turned into calls within a two-week period because I gave a clear ask. This has already opened up several doors that were previously closed to me.

Be bold with your requests and you can create an incredible amount of opportunities. This is without changing anything else with your life.

If you’d like to start, you can make a request to me.

Finding clarity in your life will change your world

Photo by Hannah Wright on Unsplash

This week, a friend remarked at the shifts she had seen me make since I had last spoken to her a few months ago. She had really noticed the energy I was giving through the deeper sense of direction and the clarity I had. I’ve had a few conversations with people where they’ve remarked something quite similar. It seems like I have a better idea of who I am.

When people have been telling me this, it’s honestly not a big surprise. I can feel a different energy coming from me. The last few months have been filled with exploration tinged with a sense of uncertainty. This has now shifted to a clearer focus. I know what I want to do, and I know the great gifts I have to make this happen.

A part of this has been creating a new version of ‘My Document’ with my coach. This is something I recite several times a day. It is about the person I am choosing to be, and the place I want to come from each and every day. The power lies in the fact I believe them, which differentiates them from wanting to ‘manifest’ something new through affirmations.

Here is who I am:

I am that I live into my greatness each and every day

I am that my worth is immeasurable

I am that I have a deep appreciation for myself

I am ever-present

I am that I have all the time and energy in the world

I am a fountain of knowledge

I am a lover of learning

I am that my body is a temple

I am that I have world class people skills

I am that I lift people up to see their greatest potential

I am a master manager

I am a powerful and visionary leader

I am a master of my emotions

I am instant forgiveness

I am a magnet for love and kindness

I am one with everything

I am that I create peace globally

I am that the power of my mind will change the world

I am that sharing my gift is my destiny

This is who I am and this is who I create myself to be.

And the name given to me is Tahmid

I have sent audio recordings of My Document to anyone who has asked. If you would like to hear me recite it to you, drop me a message.

As part of this creation, I agreed a new game to play with my coach. I will make £25,000 in the next three months from coaching. It is entirely do’able, but only if I believe I an do it. If I had chosen to base this upon my previous coaching income, the idea would seem preposterous. But clarity of mind is an incredibly powerful thing. I can feel the shifts, and the more I live into who I am choosing to Be, the more it feels like me achieving this is a foregone conclusion.

If I could bottle the magic formula which has shifted in me to move from feeling unclear to having clarity, I would already have made my money, plus a whole lot more. Unfortunately, the process is a little more complex. That said, there are things that can help us shift towards getting clear in our lives.

Before starting, it’s important to remember feeling unclear is a natural part of the process. There is no shame in it, and I believe it is a part of life that we will all experience. There are point where we are meant to feel uncertain. Life gives us many choices, and there will be periods where we need to take time figuring things out. Sometimes we have to ride out these emotions, even if they are not comfortable.

A key part of the work towards clarity is understanding that we do not actually *need* anything more. I was in a conversation with someone this week who spoke about how they needed to be calmer to be a better public speaker. I invited them to consider that they didn’t need to be anything more than they already are.

When we recognise that we have everything we need, the feeling that we ‘should’ be doing something melts away. Coming from this place means that we can create things only because we want to, rather than because we feel we should. Everything feels lighter and clearer. The more we can reduce the burdens of our lives, as well as the judgments we have on ourselves, the simpler our lives get. Simplicity is what breeds magic.

When I went to India, I learnt of a new power that has changed the game for me. I actively reconnect to my heart whenever I feel unclear. I use it as my moral compass and I am guided by what it is saying. One of my favourite questions I now ask (both to myself and to other people) is ‘what does your heart yearn for?’. The heart is an incredibly powerful driver for Good in the world. However, many of us get caught up in our thoughts or our temporary emotions. Often we get caught up in both.

The heart speaks truth, and cuts through the trivial noise surrounding our lives. This intuitive power is incredibly powerful because I trust it to do what is right. Because I trust myself, I do not doubt whether what I am doing is the right thing.

Clarity also comes from action. We cannot understand what is needed until we show up on the court of life. When we sit in the stands, we might spend all of our time thinking and planning, rather than actually doign. What this actually means is we are just waiting. We are waiting for some magical bolt of lightening to tell us what is meant to be happening. No one is coming to tell us what to do. The reality is that if we spend all of our lives waiting, all we are waiting for is death.

Action is what kick starts our process towards learning. Whenever anyone asks me what it’s like to write a book, I tell them my secret.

Want to know what it is? It’s this:

The secret to writing a book is writing a book.

It’s as simple as that. If you want to do something, you have to do it.

Whilst that may sound extremely obvious, there are so many of us with unfulfilled dreams. And the lack of action is preventing us from ever achieving them. We may not even know what we want, but we will never know until we just start doing something. In the realms of uncertainty, action precedes clarity. For example, there are many things that I have not fleshed out when writing my second book, but I will fill in those gaps when I come to them.

Gaining clarity is a process, rather than something that just happens. But when we realise that the answer that we are seeking is already within us, it is then that we can realise that we don’t actually have to search for anything.

We just have to start living.

How much clarity do you have in your life?

Overcoming the ‘dread’ of awaiting something important

Photo by R O on Unsplash

One thing I’ve noticed is how we (particularly men) tend to put off taking care of our health. Many of us have learnt to simply power through rather than pursuing actual medical advice. For me, last month was the first time I’ve seen a doctor in probably six years. In the last few days, I went for a long overdue health check-up .

I had forgotten the feeling of impending doom we often feel when sitting in the waiting room. The idea of being around lots of sick people can make us worry about what untold mysteries may ail us. It’s no wonder then that many of us associate health check-ups with negative emotions. It’s probably why we avoid them so much. ‘Ignorance is bliss’, so they say.

Unfortunately, many of the health issues we experience are often exacerbated by us ignoring the problem. At a logical level, I think most of us know that. And yet, we can avoid getting our health checked because it scares us.

This phenomenon is not only about health. I also spoke with someone this week who had been dreading the idea of attending an event for something they enjoy. Even though they have fun when they are there, they felt a sense of dread at the idea of having to go and meet new people. It’s an experience we can all relate to – I certainly can.

This feeling of dread is preventing us from doing many of the things we really want to: taking a leap into a new job, an exciting holiday or simply trying a new hobby we’ve always wanted to, but been too afraid to try. It nearly always is something that holds us back.

The great thing is that we don’t have to suffer from this idea of ‘dread’. When we can recognise that the thought of thinking something scary is what is causing the feeling, rather than the activity itself, we can completely change our relationship to the feeling.

Many of us feel nervous before starting an activity, say doing public speaking. We can feel our bodies tense and our palms start to sweat as we await getting called up. Yet when we are on stage, quite often we forget about all these feelings – we get in flow.

So the activity itself isn’t necessarily the thing that is causing the fear, it’s the thoughts. Our brain is on overdrive trying to scan threats to protect us, and it does not particularly like the unknown. So these activities are seen as dangerous, and our brain responds accordingly.

One thing that’s helped me massively has been shifting the relationship I have with my mind. There are many areas that the brain can be fantastic – delving into deep problems and finding a solution in an incredibly diverse set of scenarios. But what the brain is not so good at dealing with is uncertainty. Using the brain for these activities will leave us reactive, and often fall into paranoia, anxiety and doubt.

My invitation to you is reconnecting to a different part of you. This is often known as your ‘gut’, instinct or inner wisdom. It is a quieter voice that will give you a more measured, balanced response. Around the issue of health, deep down we know that it is important, but our mind may put off the decision because of fear.

Following this intuitive voice within me has generally been far more successful for the bigger things in life. It’s also meant that I’ve felt far less stressed around waiting or planning. I trust myself to know what is right for me. From this space, life is far easier.

What is your gut telling you?

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In November 2022, I released my book, Make Diversity Matter to You. This is to help you understand diversity better for yourself and make a meaningful impact. To purchase a copy, check this link here: https://linktr.ee/tahmidchowdhury

I am a coach and I work with individuals to have awesome and fulfilling lives by shifting their thinking. If you would like to explore what that could look like for you, message me on LinkedIn or email me at [email protected]. I am also open to queries on talks, webinars and podcasts.

We can enjoy each day – even when we are sick

I’ve been laid low by illness. What I thought was a cough was actually a throat infection. And whilst it’s nothing serious, it still took me out of action.

Rather than trying to struggle through, I took the time to rest. I generally make a point of taking my sick days when I need them – too often people are pushing themselves through illness. This then later turns into something more serious when the body has to give even stronger signals that we need to stop.

It might sound counterintuitive, but it is also about leading by example. I see many leaders advocating people taking breaks and sick days, but rarely doing so themselves. Whilst I am empathetic that it can sometimes feel hard to take ourselves away from work, It’s also hard to set a positive culture when the norm from the top is to work whilst sick.

This week’s article was prompted by a short conversation I had with someone. They told me that taking time to be sick made them feel bad because they felt unproductive. It made them feel like they are doing nothing.

This is a feeling that many of us have experienced in our lives. We don’t want to let the team down, and feel anxious at the idea of not doing something. When society instills in us the idea that we have to constantly be active, the idea of stopping feels like a bad thing.

But rest is a necessary part of our existence. It gives us the balance and lets us recover. When I spoke to a fellow coach this week she reminded me that I mentioned that I’d like a rest a few weeks ago – this is my body’s way of telling me to actually do it!

One of the major difficulties we can have is to simply sit without stimulation. We train our brains to have a constant stream of activity, meaning that any pause makes us feel angsty. It’s why when we are ill, many of us can get very frustrated because we have nothing to do.

I’ve come to enjoy my sick days much more than I used to. Rather than sit still pondering the universe until I go crazy, I take this as a moment for me to slow my movements and withdraw into myself. I might do some light reading, and if I’m feeling drowsy (as I have done several times this week) I will go have a nap. I’ve also taken some time to have warm baths to ease my throat.

This period of illness has also allowed me to get my bearings after a month filled with travel. I can take a step back from the hustle and bustle to find more peace and tranquility.

Although it might sound odd, we can choose to enjoy our day, even when we are ill. The pain of a headache may not be pleasant, but it does pass. And we can use it as an opportunity to be grateful for the times when we do not have negative ailments. Our bodies do so much for us, and it’s only when we are ill that we take a moment to notice it.

The funny thing is that everything has gone completely smoothly whilst I’ve been ill, both in work and my personal life. The world doesn’t stop just because I’m not participating. It can be a helpful reminder for ourselves (and our own ego) that the earth doesn’t stop rotating because we take some days off work.

So this article is an invitation to you that life may actually be giving us a gift when you are ill.

We can choose how we want to view it. If we see it as an annoying burden we will feel frustrated. But if we choose to see it as a helpful moment to pause and reflect, the whole experience is much more pleasant.

Sickness is a part of life, and we’re going to be sick every now and then, so why not enjoy it?

An invitation to try less hard in your life

This is the first weekend I’ve spent at home in Brussels in over a month. The last four weekends I’ve been away, on a mix of travels through India and successive trips to the UK.

And you know what? I’m tired. Not because of any overt travel fatigue, but because I’ve felt like life has been a consistent set of new hurdles. The irony is that the only person who fundamentally has been placing these hurdles is myself.

In January, I visited my hometown for the first time in five years. In February, I went on a 10 day solo voyage through India. In March, I attended a 3 day intensive in London, which took place last weekend. I’ve also had a whole bunch of other things come up in the last few months, some of which I’ve written about, others that I haven’t. Even without going into the details, I’ve experienced a lot in an incredibly short amount of time.

When I was in India, I crossed path with a fellow coach who was also on their route to the Ultimate Event in Mumbai. She was particularly adept at numerology, and based upon my birth date found that 2022 was Saturns Return – a year of ends. She also mentioned that this first year in the new cycle (i.e. 2023) will feel like I’m swimming upstream, and it will take more effort than it would normally feel like to get what I wanted.

Now I don’t expect everyone to believe in the world of numerology or astronomy. Yet there was something poignant about hearing something that felt like it connected somehow. I actually felt something quite relieving in hearing these words; it allayed some concerns that I wasn’t trying hard enough.

Along the way of my travels in India, I also ended up going to an astrologer. Although I don’t see myself as someone that bases their life on horoscopes, I also find myself being far more open to life beyond the western, rationalist way of looking at the world. This is especially the case since I’ve seen the benefits of looking towards a more spiritual approach in my life. Apparently he was a gold-medalist one too, so why not?

This astrologist talked about how I had a very high level of intelligence, and would write books. He also spoke about me living in European countries, and not live in the country of my birth. So quite a few things that certainly chimed – considering I’ve written a book, and currently live in Belgium when I was born in the UK. When he looked at my palm, he told me quite point-blank that I was not earning as much as I deserved. He also saw some work for me to do on my health.

There’s a whole bunch of information there, and I can choose how I want to interpret it. But there is a message here that I’ve also heard of in other settings. Another phrase that has a similar meaning is the idea of ‘slowing down’ and ‘surrender’ – both of which have come up in my yoga sessions and through the books I read. It’s also something I’ve been speaking to my coach about fairly frequently as well.

I wrote an article a few weeks ago about the feeling I had of overdoing my own personal development. I felt a little overwhelmed with the amount I was committing. Having now got through a lot of courses and personal adventures, I’m feeling quite worn out. I’m really glad I did these things, but I’m also conscious at how hard I have been pushing myself. Do I really need to live life as if I don’t have time to breath?

Thursday was the first day I had a free evening without plans, and that was only because of a cancellation. I genuinely found it difficult to even know what to do with a free evening because I’ve gotten so used to not having one.

As I settle down into a period of relative geographical stability, I realise that I don’t have to live in such an intense way. I can make strides towards the things that I want to do. But I can do that whilst also having time for myself. No doubt when I actually slow down and start enjoying life more, things will also feel a lot easier. I know that this will actually help me reach my goals faster too. Rather than swimming upstream, I can let the current guide me to where I am meant to go.

This is my own personal experience, but I also know that it is the case for many people. I don’t doubt that you have had similar experiences as well.

So this is an invitation for you to not try so hard. We have more time than we think we do, and life wasn’t created just for us to squeeze more productivity into our 24 hours in a day.

When we can feel light and free, we are far more likely to make the impact we want. We will also enjoy life far more along the way.

How much is your word worth when you commit?

I am attending a three-day intensive in London. This will go deep into our Being – how we can choose to be in our lives. We’ll spend time looking at how we can shift our mindset to live life in a more fulfilling and graceful way.

A big part of living the life we want is around commitment. We can only achieve the things we want by seriously committing to them. And whilst this may sound obvious, the reality is that we tend to be far less committed to the things we say we will do than we think.

A high level executive thought that he kept his word around 90% of the time. When he actually started counting, the actual percentage is lower to 20%. This is probably the case for most of us as well.

Think about the times that you have casually told someone that you’d love to catch up with them, or that you’ll drop them an email. How many times do you actually do it? Once you start counting them, chances are that the number will add up incredibly quickly.

At its more extreme, we can see this behaviour in the workplace when we are frequently missing deadlines, or not showing up to meetings. I read once that a coach was working with an executive who would accept 3 meetings at the same time and just decide on the day which one he would show up to. How are you meant to build trust with that attitude?

One of the biggest shifts in my life has been going deeper into my commitments. I am not perfect, but I am far more consistent than I used to be. Generally, if you drop me a message, or ask something from me and I say I will do it, I make it happen.

This has had a profound impact on my relationships both in work and in my personal life. People actually see me as authentic and reliable, rather than simply someone who promises then never delivers.

Life has a way of testing us, and this week has been the test of my commitment to commitments.

I had committed to attending this intensive. On Wednesday I learnt my Eurostar to travel to London was cancelled due to strikes in France, and I couldn’t change it until next week.

But maybe these are the challenges we’re meant to face. I could have chosen to cry woe into the world, or I could choose to figure out a way to deal with it.

I checked out flights, and it was possible for me to fly Friday morning at 4am and arrive at 6am to Heathrow. Although technically feasible, I’d rather not arrive with a dishevelled amount of sleep if I could avoid it. It was also 200 euros which is rather pricey. But at least it was an option. Plus there’s another strike on Belgium on Friday (welcome to continental Europe- how fun!) so it would probably be complicated to get to Brussels Airport.

So instead I found a coach, which would be a 10 hour ride. It wasn’t ideal, but I could make it work. I decided to go on Wednesday night to give me some rest on Thursday before attending the intensive. Getting to the station was a bit of an ordeal as the metro in Brussels was with reduced service, but I made it. I then proceeded to wait. First I waited 30 minutes, then 60. The coach didn’t come. A fellow traveller called the bus company, and they could not locate the bus. The only solution that they gave was to wait another few hours for the next bus at 3am and staying overnight in Lille.

I decided to book a new coach for the next day and head back home in Brussels. The travel home took longer than normal, and I got home at midnight with the same suitcase and backpack I had left with a few hours before.

On Thursday evening, I repeated the wait for the bus. It didn’t arrive at the scheduled hour of 10:35pm which led to a few concerns when I let my mind wonder, but it did eventually came 20 minutes later.

I am now writing this around Victoria Station at 7am. The Intensive starts at 8:15, and the venue is very close by. I got some hours of sleep on the coach, but we had to get out of the coach for passport control and when taking the ferry from Calais to Dover. So I’ve had around 4 hours of interrupted sleep.

In a funny way, this experience has been perfect. It has been the ideal test of my new way of living – genuinely committing to something and making it happen, whatever issues arise. There is something really powerful to know that I can deal with a situation like this now that I have dealt with it here. It shows me the power in committing, and the power of myself.

As I dealt with the situation, I had three reflections:

  1. I’m choosing how I responded to this situation. Rather than getting caught up in angst or frustration, I can simply accept and move on. Even now, I can spend time thinking about how this is even more travel in a fortnight where I’ve probably spent 20+ hours on flights/trains, or I can just accept it and get on with life.
  2. When I did not buy into the panicked mind, it allowed me to settle and assess my options. Within a few minutes I came up with alternative solutions to the cancelled train – planes, coaches, blablacars etc. When we focus, we can figure things out quite quickly. I was also decisive in my actions to ensure I didn’t miss out on the coach ticket (I wasn’t the only one who was on the cancelled train now looking for a way to London).
  3. I understand the importance of being my commitments. I committed to this intensive, and so I will be there. If things come in my way, I will find another way. Being my word has been a complete gamechanger for me, and the more I lean into it, the more benefits I will gain.

Now my adventure makes for a nice tale. But I invite you to read it for yourself – what can you see about how committed you are (or not) around the things in life?

Many people I get in contact with around coaching want change in their lives, but often they are plagued with uncertainty or let other things take precedence. This can be things like work and family, or it can simply be that people are not feeling like doing the thing they have to do to change their life.

When we truly commit, we carve the space out to do what we need to do. We also don’t let our temporary feelings get in the way or wait until we feel ‘motivated’. From this space, we act, and we can create incredible, beautiful things. We can have whatever it is that we want in life.

This is the power of commitment. And it is available to you, if you are willing to commit to it.

‘Being’​ and the power of coming from the heart rather than the mind

Sahara Star Hotel, India

Last week, I attended the Ultimate Experience in India. The event was a gathering around ‘Being’, the way in which we choose to ‘be’ in our lives.

The idea is very simple. Our Being sets the foundation of how we show up in the world. We can choose to be loving and kind. We can choose to be the best mother, father, actor or production manager.

It sounds simple enough, to the point where it can sound like a deceptively shallow philosophy. I can declare out into the world that I am fulfilled, content and happy. But in of itself, this does not change anything.

The point here is that when we choose to be happy, we then live our life in a way that we are happy. It shifts our behaviour because we want to act in a way that we feel happy. The point of Being is not to manifest or declare something out into the world in the hope it will come towards us. It is the opposite – it is about where we are coming from as our base state.

The mistake we often make in life is that we think that when we accomplish a task, we become that thing. Often we think that we will be happy once we get that job, only to find that getting the job doesn’t actually change much. This is because it is actually the other way around. We can choose to be happy. From there, we’re actually far more likely to get the job anyway, because we are not bogged down with doubts caused by our unhappiness.

To take a practical example, I state that I am a writer. I choose this for myself. And what does a writer do? They write. So here I am, writing an article.

I chose to be an author, so I wrote my book. But if I told myself that I only am an author when I have written a book, I quickly get caught up in the idea that I am not worthy enough – so I never would have written it!

I previously attended the Ultimate Experience in London that took place last year. So this is not my first foray into Being. Yet back then, I found it powerful but confusing. I spent so much time trying to intellectualise the idea – I was mentally processing it all which left me exhausted. I got so much from that event, and yet the place I was coming from was one in which my mind had to understand it all. Unsurprisingly I felt overwhelmed and confused.

This time, the content flowed much deeper and seamlessly into me. I heard so many pieces of wisdom which were really useful. But most importantly, I had a transformative experience where I had profound insights on how I can live life more deeply.

Recently I have been working on tackling false humility that I carried around – it was holding me back to seeing my own greatness. I’ve learnt to both acknowledge and value the brilliance of my own mind. This has unlocked many doors where I am no longer doubting myself in the way I would previously.

And yet, this has also put all the attention to my intellectual processing power. Attending The Miracle in Mumbai demonstrated another side of me that is equally powerful and has been lying dormant within me.

The key speaker, Steve Hardison talked about the fact that when we come from love, all we can do is serve. This was a really powerful statement. Mixed in with conversations I had with other participants, it made me shift the whole paradigm in how I live.

Without realising it, I would often start doing things based upon the thinking of my mind. I would later then connect this to why it felt right. In other words, I would connect my doing to my heart almost as an after-thought.

But our wisdom starts from our heart. When we recognise that our deeper knowing comes from there, it changes things dramatically. Now, I start from a place of love. The heart gives the framework for the mind to operate in. Coming from love and being in service is a central principle of what I do, rather than an after-thought.

What I have realised is that I am a far more emotional and sensitive human than I ever really thought. Now when I look back on it, I was rather sensitive when I was younger, but somewhere along the way I had learnt to push that behaviour away. Perhaps because they were not particularly manly traits.

But reconnecting to that side of me has been a beautiful experience. I’ve found that when I start from a heart-centred space, it is much easier to create in a way that genuinely helps people. Let’s take the example of writing this article. It’s not dramatically different from the ones I’ve written before, and yet, by coming from a place of service, I am write it with a much clearer idea of how I can tailor my message to help people. When my mind dominates my Being, I will instead focus more around what I want to talk about because it pleases me.

Coming from the heart also negates so many of the pitfalls that we face. When we are always coming from the mind, we are overusing the powerful but limited tool of our brains.

We are asking it questions that it is not designed to answer – the meaning of existence, dealing with uncertainty, how to navigate moral issues and so on. When we over employ our mind, we fall into anxiety, overthink and stress. We can fall into unhappiness from being in a constant state of these feelings. Unfortunately, we see all these things in the people all around us, and you as the reader is probably experiencing this too.

The best bit is that coming from the heart doesn’t suddenly mean we have to abandon our work plans or ambitions. Instead, it gives them the moral compass they so desperately need. We benefit from the double-whammy of a clearer sense of direction and not being bogged down by our conflicting thoughts.

Since returning back from India, I have had one of the most intense few days of work I’ve ever had. I was jetlagged and still had a somewhat dodgy stomach. I returned to a few hundred emails and a lot of deadlines. I presented at a working group on Wednesday. On Thursday, I took a train from Brussels to Cambridge and presented to a group of start-up/SMEs. On Friday I held a 90 minute ways of working session and a bunch of other meetings plus more travel.

By coming from a heart centred space, I could glide through these activities in a way that meant I completed my tasks, but also did so in a loving and kind way. A past version of me would have been tired and stressed. I probably would have crashed either during or after, (and spent more time complaining about it too!). But I am seeing that the lightness I now employ lets me be incredibly efficient and effective in my life too.

If you are interested in learning more about how you can make a shift towards a more loving, heart-centred way of living, drop me a message.

Who are you Being in your life?