I was at a work party once a number of years ago. We were speaking about ourselves, so cue a moment of self-effacing humour.
I uttered the words ‘I think people like me, until they get to know me’.
Although I’ve left the UK, one thing that will never leave me is my dry British humour. It can be a little funny when this takes people by surprise, particularly now living in the continent.
Yet no joke is funny unless it has some level of truth hidden underneath.
I’ll be starting a new role in September. It draws a line under a rather chaotic period in my life.
What started off getting signed off for a week of sick leave in February 2024 turned into an 18 month descent into executive dysfunction and existential crises. It wasn’t all bad, but it was pretty rough.
Honestly, the toughest part was having nothing to do. The emptiness during the day has felt harrowing. People I know are working. Most social activities happen during the evening. So what do I do for the next 8 hours, sitting here, all alone?
I woke up a few days ago. But when I got out of bed, I had a shot of pain. Putting weight on my right foot hurt a lot. I could barely step without wincing.
What caused this grand injury? I’m not actually really sure.
The night before, I did a dance class and walked around without problem. Before going to bed, I had zero pains.
I’m feeling quite bitter about this. I feel like I’ve done nothing to really provoke such an injury.
How often are you feeling anxious during the day?
For me, that number has turned out to be a lot higher than I realised.
I came back to Brussels on Monday after a visit to my parents in London. When I’m with my parents, a lot of my daily responsibilities are put on hold. I’m privileged to have a space where I don’t have to cook or clean.
But I had a slight anxiety attack the moment I came back into Brussels. On the floor, I saw a letter in my name, without any obvious sender. Cue a sense of panic.
I’m back for a visit in London. I’m here to see my parents. Partly to do my familial duties. Partly to get a free birthday meal. Partly to get the rest of my mum’s cooking back to Brussels.
I noticed myself getting into a spiral where I felt quite sour around the idea of coming back. I’d remark of returning to the ‘sinking island’. I’m totally justified in having such an opinion. Indeed, we’re all entitled to one.
Yet what I need to be careful of is falling into the negative spiral of seeing everything so negatively. If I’m not careful, it will turn any trip I have here into one of misery and anger.
Each year, I write a reflective post around the time of my birthday.
This year, I’m not really sure what to say. It is as if my mind has become even more fogged in confusion than ever before.
One of the ironies of life is that the more we learn, the less we seem to understand.
I feel better equipped than ever to explain the phenomena that I see. I’ve observed, learnt, studied. And yet, I seem less about to comprehend it than ever.
I’ve noticed recently that my life has been lacking pleasure. I don’t really seem to be having much fun. That’s not to say that I don’t have access to fun things. It’s more that I don’t end up feeling like I am enjoying myself. And over time, I’ve lost the desire to even try. Since […]
The stage is set. The audience is waiting. It’s time for you to step up. No person was simply destined for greatness. It is honed, cultivated and created. ‘But who am I to make a change?’ You have a deeper reservoir of power than you ever even realised. This I know, I see it time […]
Since April, I feel like I’m making progress. I’m putting in effort, and I’m seeing results.
This is in stark contrast to the last twelve months. Things have felt a struggle. There was a constant sense of ‘two steps forward, one step back’. I wasn’t in control of my body. My energy levels felt like a daily roll of the dice. I wasn’t clear with where I was going.
Right now, I feel like being in flow with life. Before, I felt like I was a boat paddling against the currents of the river. Now, I feel like I’m paddling with it.
So what changed?
How many times have you felt wronged by someone? Feeling the anger seeth through you, you feel the need to argue what the other person did was wrong. And if they don’t understand, you think about how they should pay for their actions.
I’ve felt conflicted for a long time on how we deal with people who are doing bad things. On the one hand, I want to practice the art of forgiveness, demonstrating that I am not holding a grudge. This is particularly the case when the slight is small – forgetting to thank me for something, or being a bit rude in the morning.
But on the other hand, I wonder whether I am being complicit in their actions. Should I not make it known that what they have done is wrong?