
We all want to belong. Even the most reclusive, Grinch-like people we know deep down desire it.
The modern day message is that when we do not belong, we should simply move on. The magical land of belonging is just beyond the hill, over the rainbow.
Yet what if searching for such sense of belonging is just but a fool’s dream?
For many of us coming from marginalised communities, the sense of rejection can stir our sense of venture. We gravitate towards people who we think might fill this need, through a common identity, characteristic or set of beliefs.
But I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the wrong approach. When we retreat to the people ‘like us’ we often end up secluding ourselves even further. Both from the world, and also from our true selves.
Now don’t get me wrong, there is benefit in connecting with people who have similarities with us. It can be a space to learn more about our own beliefs and cultures. But the issue is when we go too far, and this becomes the basis of our identity. We turn ourselves into a caricature of what we think we are meant to be, based upon this new groups ideals. We end up eradicating the beautiful uniqueness that led us to strive for that belonging in the first place.
I spent the last week at a retreat with the basis of bringing people together from similar identities. On paper, it felt like a great way to connect with people like me. But in practice, my experience was mixed.
I definitely had moments which I valued – learning more about how people similar to me see the world, as well as about different people and cultures. The time in nature also did wonders as a reset to my bodily fatigue and sense of entrapment.
Yet I also left disappointed. The dynamics of the group become ever-more cliquey and inwards looking. I don’t think I’ve had as many judgey glares in the last decade as I did at this retreat. There were particular things people did which were just impolite and mean, yet in the space of the retreat were tolerated. This was best summed up when I dropped a message to a friend explaining an interaction I had and the first response I got was a big ‘WTF’.
I started to question whether I was too much and too opinionated. It was a little weird – I had been in so many other retreat spaces which actually uplifted my uniqueness and valued it. So this feeling caught me by surprise. Yet I’m glad that I had the self-awareness to not take it to heart, though I was also very much glad to escape when the retreat was over.
There’s quite a lot to unpack with such an experience. Firstly, It’s worth mentioning that many people seemingly enjoyed it a lot more than I did. Labelling it as a terrible creation would be simplistic and unfair. Yet I also believe it was good it did not go on longer. I saw a dynamic that would have evolved into worse behaviour as time went on.
Ultimately, the responsibility is upon each of us as participants in such a space. Yet, I do think it could have been curated in a much more inclusive way, which would have helped a lot. I think we fell into the trap of what I call the ‘we’re all adults’ fallacy.
Essentially, the fallacy believes that simply bringing together ‘people like us/’good’ people’ means that we are bringing together people that automatically ‘get it’. There isn’t a need to set ground rules. After all, we’re all nice people right?
The problem is that this ends up replicating the same issues that we bemoan in society. Prejudices and biases runs free. One person wasn’t as sociable as they were meant to be. I was too opinionated. Another person too loud.
Belonging does not magically appear. It is built, crafted, and curated. When we go chasing a sense of belonging, we are only ever going to be disappointed.
But first, we need to see ourselves as beings that belong. In our space, in our community, in our world. If we do not come from this starting point, we are doomed to constantly chase for this feeling that no one can actually give to us, apart from ourselves.
The negative experiences I had actually helped me realise how much belonging I already have in the communities around me. The funny thing about a bad experience is that it can put in perspective how many other positive things we do have in our life.
So rather than focussing on what is lacking in the communities I’m already a part of, I am instead far more focussed on appreciating on what they already give.
I can see that I already belong.